The Egg Drop Post

In 2007, The Egg Drop Post started as a blog about my TTC (trying to conceive) journey. “The Post” was intended to chronicle my monthly cycles and every bio-twinge I experienced on my journey to conceive and give birth to my baby. It was a beautiful dream, filled with family reconciliations, new friends, and lots of poopy diapers, but  I’m learning what happens to a dream deferred. After 13 failed cycles, my partner and I have decided to pursue domestic adoption.

So, who am I anyway?

I’m a woman who fell in love with a woman 10 years ago. I’m a feminist who never valued tradition. I’m a child of Caribbean immigrants who never believed in the American Dream. I’m also a daughter who never wanted to be a mother, until I was hit with baby lust, an incurable longing for a child, in 2007 at age 37.  In particular, I wanted to give birth as a way of connecting with my dear mother, who passed away from breast cancer over 15 years ago. I think of her every day and really wanted to have a little one with her genes and her smile.

About three years  ago, Nadia and I had our first visit with a reproductive endocrinologist. Since then I’ve experienced 2 fertility clinics,  1  surgery, 3 failed IVFs, among many, many failed IUIs, and 1 huge fight with my insurance company. Nadia, in turn, has experienced one bought with cancer and many, many sleepless nights, worrying about my physical health, my sanity, and our future as a couple. After many tears, many fights and many dollars flushed down the toilet, Nadia and I  finally gave up. We are self-proclaimed infertility veterans.

So, in recent months, this blog has become The Egg Drop Post, an adoption story. Together, Nadia and I are creating a new master track about adopting after infertility.   I write about the struggle to re-establish my own self worth, shattered by the wasteland of infertility. I write from the no-mans-land where nothing grows , where eggs shatter, and where dreams die, while I struggle to dispel the sacred notion that all women’s bodies must bear fruit. In this leg of the journey, I  am embracing the darkness, keeping in my mind that after the darkness, must come the light.

Since beginning this journey three years ago, I have become a Reiki practitioner and joined the seminary. In a few years, I will become an ordained minister. The TTC led me to ministry. And given what Nadia and I endured during the ttc, I plan to write about my desperate craving to maintain my inner balance with mindful intention. Nadia and I  know there will more tears and tense moments along the way, but  this time, we plan to laugh, love, and make time to dance to the beat.