Mommies Here!

I always loved playing blackjack as a kid. I was pretty good at it but I what I liked the most was the thrill of the chase. Vingt et un is still one of my favorite games to this day. I love looking into my opponent’s eyes and trying to guess if he or she is at the breaking point but, most importantly, I love to win.

So I pretty much have 21 days left until I start my IVF cycle and I’m trying to figure out what it all means. I’ve gotten wrapped up in numbers before; specifically, cycle 7 and before that cycle 5. I’m a pseudo-numerologist in training. Right now with 21 days to go it’s too early to discern the meaning of this  cycle but I am starting to feel the exhilaration and thrill that only comes when you’re pacing on uncharted terrain waiting for something big to come along. 

 I’m nervous, excited, thrilled, and scared. I’m trying to keep my wits about me and remember my ability to stay cool under pressure. They say that winning at cards is less about luck and more about tenacity and skill. I feel like I’ve been through the TTC boot camp and I’ve paid my dues. Now I’m just waiting for 21.

As many of you know, Louise Brown, the first test-tub baby, turns 30 today. Even though I was only eight when she was born, I remember the controversy. My  mother, a deeply religious woman who had three children of her own the old-fashioned way, was a bit shocked. She thought it was unnatural and that it messed with the natural order of things. At the same time, she understood how heart breaking it would be for a woman who could not get pregnant naturally. She loved being a mom.

I also remember watching a Phil Donahue show on test tub babies, where many in the audience expressed their outrage about the use of such complex technology to aid conception. I didn’t know what to make of it because I was so young. I barely understood human anatomy and reproduction, let alone the contraversy around egg retrival and in-vitro, but nevertheless, Louise’s birth story it did leave an impression on me.

Today, as you know, many of the issues and ethical questions remain the same but I’m not going to go into all of that here. Personally, I’m still in shock about the fact that I’m close to starting my own IVF cycle (1 month, 1 week, and 5 days, but whose counting?). Even though, I’ve done medicated IUI cycles before, IVF strikes me as the final frontier.  The procedures are more invasive and there are more medications involved, not to mention needles and the price tag. I never imagined I would be here. I’m scared.

But I keep reminding myself that 3 million IVF babies have been born since Louise, 500,000 of which were born in the USA.   If I am not mistaken, at 38 I have a 40% chance of success per cycle. And I guess that’s something to celebrate.

Okay, how many times has this happened to you?

I was minding my own business last night when I overheard a message from Nadia’s sister, who is a few months older than me. She said something like ‘please call me back, I have some good news.’ When I told Nadia about the message , we guessed that she was either getting married or pregnant.

Well, it turns out that she is pregnant. And, guess what? She met the baby daddy five months ago. Did you hear me? She met him five months ago.

I am happy for her, she is a decent person and thank God she doesn’t know about this blog. My reaction has nothing to do with her as a person. I just feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. It just hurts sometimes when someone comes along and annouces their success with relative ease, especially since I  feel like a complete failure right about now as I wait for my IVF cycle.

Don’t get me wrong, 99.9% of the time, I feel nothing but pure joy for women who are able to achieve their goals, especially those that over 35 and are of (ahem) advanced maternal age. Unfortunately, right now, I am feeling that less than .01%.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor for what I thought would be a routine sonogram and confirmation. I was expecting my doctor, Dr. Feelgood, to confirm what he had already told me on Saturday—that I everything was fine and that I would have my IUIs on Wednesday and Thursday.

When I arrived there, things didn’t go according to my plan. Firstly, I discovered that my doctor, Dr. Feelgood was off and that I would have to contend with his partner, Dr. No-Bedside-Manner, who will henceforth be referred as Dr. Killjoy. Needless to say, he is very cold and condescending as usual. When I am being examined by him I feel very vulnerable and I don’t feel as if I can ask question and when I do, it’s just not that helpful.

It turns out that I have too many maturing follicles for an IUI cycle. In fact, I have 10. Dr. Killjoy cut my dosage of Menopur in half and told me to come back on Wednesday to see him since Dr. Feelgood would still be out. When I asked him when he thought I would be inseminated, he predicted Friday and Saturday, but emphasized the fact that he really couldn’t know for sure.

So we are now playing a game of wait and see. I do hope I will have my IUIs this week, but right now the risk of having multiples is a little scary.

I am trying to remain positive and embrace the fact that it’s a new year. A lot of wonderful things happened to me and all of you last year, so I am keeping the faith.

Tomorrow is another day….and the day that I will find out if and when I am going to have IUIs this cycle.

Thank you for all of your feedback on my apprehension of the TTC hamster wheel. I really am scared sh*tless. I am realizing that surgery leaves both physical and psychological scars. I feel like I am stretching my body to new limits and there’s a small part of me that really wants to give up even though I have come so far and gone through so much. And as many of you have said, the potential reward is so great.

I also know that the TTC really is a marathon, but if I knew how much farther I had to go, it would be easier to hunker down and push through to the finish line.

In the midst of my angst, I am trying to figure out if I have a fear of success or a fear of failure. I guess I will have something to talk to my therapist about when I see her next week.

I’ll keep you posted.

I don’t understand myself.

So we went to the RE today and I guess he gave me some good news. He said that I could start next month. The back drop to this is, of course, the fact that I was scared sh*tless and all stressed out about seeing him today because I thought he might tell me that I had to wait, but when he said that I could start ASAP, I got even more nervous.

WTF?

I guess I have a love/hate relationship with the egg drop drama. It’s one of those sick relationships where you can’t get enough of it but you hate the fact that you are even in it, if you know what I mean.

Even though I’ve been ready to have a baby for a long time, the idea of starting those injectibles again does not make me happy. I hate the hormones, the needles and the effect on my body. On the other hand, this forced break has caused me to think about nothing else but hormones, needles, and my body. I think about it all of the time, even when I am not thinking about it.

I know I am not making any sense, but the question looming in the back of my head is: what if I start this crap over again and it does not work? It’s hard not to go there, but at the same time I have to remain positive, right?

And the last thing my doctor said was that I have to have another Saline Hystereosonogram to see if I have any adhesions in my uterus now that I’ve had the myomectomy, which sucks because that test really, really hurts.

Damn!

Tomorrow Nadia and I are going to the RE so he can assess my healing and let me know when we can TTC again. I am excited, nervous, scared and, quite frankly, a little bored with the whole thing.

I wish I could disengage completely and have a rest from my egg drop neurosis. But, I can’t do that.

The fact of the matter is that as soon as I am able I will brave the elements at ungodly hours to endure countless sonograms, inject myself with fertility drugs and, ultimately, open myself to all of the vulnerabilty and anticipation that comes after every insemination.

I hope that tomorrow brings a new and improved TTC timeline.

I can’t think of a think to write, so I won’t bore you. I am not feeling very interesting today. It’s hard to feel interesting when all you are doing is waiting or thinking about the wait.

I can’t even make up a good egg drop drama. I just know that waiting sucks. And I am a bit tired of it but I have a few more months to go.

I am trying to get used to waiting.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my blog or getting pregnant, but my surgery is next week so I am keeping myself busy. I don’t even have the time to concentrate long enough to write a coherent entry.

Everyone keeps asking me how I feel about the upcoming surgery and I have to admit to them that I haven’t even thought about it.

I went to see my acupuncturist yesterday to talk to him about the taste of dirt. I told him that I did not like the herbs and asked him to remind me why I agreed to take them. He said that they would lift up my Qi (an important energy source that runs through the body), make me stronger, and help my reproductive system.

He said that the herbs he prescribed where a ‘classic formula’ and that they contained a mix between ‘the four gentlemen’ and ‘four things soup’.

I will let you know if I notice any improvement in my chi, or if the herbs start to taste any better.