Mommies Here!

My friend Sarah, over at Dreams and False Alarms posted a comment, asking me “Eva, where are you hiding?” Well, Sarah, I’ve been hiding under my bed for the last week or so. When I get overwhelmed sometimes, I hide under my bed with the dust mites and boxes. It’s been a world wind of a week. It was the best of times and the worst of times…

1. 1. November 2, 2008: IUI # 8. My eighth IUI was uneventful. The new facility is state of the art and it went with out a hitch. My donor numbers were impressive:53% motility and the doctor said they look for 40% in frozen sperm. Also they put back 40 million little guys and typically they look for 25 million, so that’s pretty good. After the procedure, I didn’t feel rushed. I felt the love, girls! The only challenge was getting back home during the NYC Marathon. I’m more than halfway through my TWW.
2. 2. November 4, 2008: Mr. President. I felt exhilarated after the election. What a thrill. For the past 22 months, Nadia and I followed the election like two crack heads. I clicked on several left-leaning political websites a gazillion times per day. I couldn’t get enough of it.  What a story and what a country. When I think about everything he overcame to win the Presidency, I feel truly inspired. His win is definitely one of the highlights of my life.

3. November 5, 2008: Not so Funny. A few months back, I wrote a post called, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To… and it was about how Nadia’s sister become pregnant after knowing the baby’s father for a few months. Of course, I wished her well, but I was jealous. Well, unfortunately, the baby was born on November 5^th at 22 weeks, weighing 2lbs. Ouch! The baby has and 80% chance of survival and a 50% chance of having developmental delays. I feel awful. Nadia went to see her sister and the baby. She says the baby is doing okay and that she measures about 13 inches in height. This brought up so many emotions in me: fear, sadness, and extreme guilt.

4.November 6, 2008: Prop 8: It took a couple of days for all of the votes to be counted but by last Thursday we knew that Prop 8 had passed. Same-sex marriage was effectively banned in the state of California, which totally sucks. And to add insult to injury they saying that 70% of African-American voters who came out in support of Mr. O, voted for the measure. It’s very hard to be a black queer sometimes, well all of the time, but I feel really hurt by this. At the same time, I was very impressed when I received an email from a leading LGBT civil rights group, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, encouraging togetherness and community. This is not the time to point fingers. Unfortunately, there are some pretty hateful things being said to African-American’s at Prop 8 protest rallies, so there is a lot of work to be done in both communities as much as there is a need for a deeper analysis of what really happened there.Pam Spaudling writes a great article about this at the Huffington Post.

5. The C –Word: No date. It looms large in my consciousness and I can’t stop thinking about it. It has made the ttc less relevant for me. Nadia, however, keeps asking me what I’m so worried about and just wants me to proceed as normal. We’ve had a many arguments about the ttc timing. Ugh.

6. The photo: This is a photo of a carving of a wooden hand holding an egg that Mr. O keeps son his desk. It is a Kenyan symbol of the fragility of life. Life is fragile indeed.

Okay, so Nadia and I have a had seen at least three doctors together in the two weeks. I think that we both missed our callings and that at least one of us should have been in a medical professional.  We’ve gotten so good at seeing doctors because of the whole TTC thing, and now with Nadia’s cancer diagnosis it’s gotten to the point where we are telling the nurses and doctors what do to. Oh, well.

 Last week we went to see the second of two surgeons who specialize in the treatment of thyroid cancer. This guy, Dr. Yes We Can, even told us that she may not have to have radiation after the surgery, depending on the pathology.  This was definitely more than we hoped for. I mean, who wants to become radioactive if they don’t have to?

We scheduled her surgery for Thanksgiving week. She will only have to stay in the hospital overnight. Whew! He also reiterated what the first doctor said–she should make a complete recovery because the cancer was found at such an early stage.  We are thrilled. He said that she could return to work whenever she felt ready, but I am hoping that she takes at least two weeks off.  If nothing else, this will give us something more to fight about during our downtime… there is never a dull moment at our house.

As for the TTC, Nadia and I met a new RE this week. Originally, after my failed IVF, I was planning to interview several doctors, to get a sense of my options, but after I learned of Nadia’s diagnosis, I canceled some of those appointments, and just kept the one with the guy who was the most highly recommended. So this week we met Him, the doctor that I have been hearing about since I started my TTC journey.

So did he live up to the hype? Does anyone ever live up to the hype?

Well, before I answer that question, let me tell you about the medical facility. It is the most beautiful, pristine medical facility I have ever seen, and I’m sorry to say that I have seen quite a few in my lifetime. When I entered the building my eyes were drawn to a waterfall and I immediately felt soothed.

When I reached the reproductive endocrinology floor, I thought I heard harps playing in the background. It was very surreal. Everyone was so nice and everything was so organized. While waiting to see the doctor, I totally understood why everyone raved about the place. And I need to add that we only waited about 20 minutes, which included filling out the requisite paper work. At my former RE’s shop, we would wait at least an hour to see him– not including the paper work–even when we had an appointment.

Anyway, when we finally sat down to meet him, Dr. Yoda, he was very pleasant and quiet. I didn’t hear any bells or whistels going off during the consult, but I also didn’t hear him say, my old RE’s refrain, “Well, you are 38 and your eggs are old so…well, what can I say?” This guy was more optimistic and suggested some new approaches including estrogen priming and autologous endometrial co-culture (say that 10x fast!). Estrogen priming involves wearing an estrogen patch the cycle before you start to help with the upcoming protocol. I think it is sometimes used to help (ahem) older women with their egg production. The endometrial co-culture thingy involves growing a patient’s embryos on a layer of her own uterine line, which helps unexplained IVF failures and poor embryo quality in a previous IVF cycle, so this seems like something that would definitely help me–the one only produced one 5-cell embryo her last cycle, but I digress!

Anway, he definitely gave me hope and even Nadia was hopeful and kinda into it. I told him about my insurance nightmare (well, not the whole long boring story but the abbreviated kind, the kind you tell during a 15-minute consultation) and the fact that I needed to do two more natural cycle IUIs so that those bastards at my insurance company would finally pay for the IVF. In response, he suggested that I start right away and do an IUI this weekend.

Huh?

When he said that, I looked at Nadia and told him that she had thyroid cancer, which meant that we were putting all of our energy into her healing process, that the TTC was off for now, and before I could say any thing more, Nadia looked at me like I was crazy and said, “you should totally do it this weekend.”

Huh?

So I cleared my throat and told that doctor that we had to discuss it. But since we left his office, Nadia has been pushing me to do the IUI this weekend. Finally last night, I said, “why do you want me to do this now given everything we are dealing with?” And she said, “well, the sooner you do the IUI’s the sooner you can do IVF.”

Huh?

I have to admit that I don’t understand her. Sometimes I swear she just contradicts herself just to keep me on my toes. I thought she wanted me to table the TTC so we coud focus on her cancer, upcoming surgery, and healing, but I guess I was wrong–again. She said to me, “just because I want to be a priority (when was she not a priority?) doesn’t mean everything has to stop.

Huh?

I love her to pieces, contradictions and all. She is my infuriating angel, sent from heaven just to drive me batty.  I do love her and the fact that she wants me to do an IUI this weekend. I have to admit that am a bit weary of jumping on the ttc hampster wheel so soon after my failed IVF, but the truth of the matter is that this IUI should be pretty low stres–it’s a natural cycle afterall, this is the equivalent of a straight woman going bear back with her husband, except there are about 10 more people involved, including nurses, embryologists and doctors, and lots of cold sterilized instruments, but you know what I mean.  This IUI will give me an opportunity to learn more about this new doctor and new facility.

So it looks like I will be doing an IUI this weekend. And it all starts tomorrow morning with a 7 AM appointment for an ultrasound.

Well, we got some good news last week. I am feeling relieved, though still stressed as hell about  Nadia’s cancer. I am over the shock and starting to feel a little bit pissed about the whole thing, but I am still functional.

Nadia remains completely functional  (almost hyper functional) and fearless or delusional, depending on how you look at it. The only reason why I say she might be sort of ‘delusional’ is because she doesn’t seem phased by it.I think that part of it is because she doesn’t have any symptoms. But, if it were me, I would be under my bed, with torn clothes, shaking and screaming ‘why?’ but she hasn’t done any of that. I think that she has the right attitude to beat this thing so I don’t want to bring her down, but I can’t exactly relate. Then again, maybe I don’t need to.

Anyhoo, we went to see a surgeon who told us that she would definitely recover from the c-word. She will have surgery next month and then radiation about two months later, but he was extremely positive and upbeat.  He was very soothing. We left his office feeling a bit high.

Whew!

I was feeling pretty good about what I had read online about papillatory thryoid cancer but, of course, nothing beats hearing a verdict from a seasoned medical professional. He spoke with confidence and looked her directly in the eye. We loved him but I also scheduled another consultation with another doctor tomorrow. I’ve been in love with doctor’s before. I need results. We need to have someone to compare him to. I wish I had done that when selecting an RE, instead of just following the suggstion of my gyno. But I need to move on…

The interview process will start all over again, when we have to select an endocrynologist to administer Nadia’s radiation treatment, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Needless to say, the TTC journey is on the back burner, indefinitely. But you know me. I have to keep the fire simmering. In the meantime and between time, I am seeing a new acupuncturist who is very sweet. I am also taking Chinese herbs twice a day–yuck. Dr. Sweet remmends that women work with her for three months before they try IVF again,  but that the woomen often choose to wait six months, so things might work out for me. I predict that it will take Nadia three to six months to recover completly, probably closer to three months from now, but we will see. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Next week, Nadia and I are going to see one fertility specialist but I certainly won’t have any inseminations– not even the two natural ones I need to pay for- until she is completely fine and we can start arguing about the whole things again. Those were the days…

I am going to change my blog a little to incorporate this new develompent in my life. I love my Nadia and can’t imagine life without her, thank God I don’t have to, but the c-word is definitely now a part of my life now. I intend to blog about it consitently, now that I am over the initial shock of this nightmare. 

Thanks again for all of your love and support. It means the world to me. 

Nadia’s father died of a heart attach about a year ago. Truth be told, they were never really close, but they did share a similiar sense of humor. When she was going through his things after his death, she found this Dilbert comic strip and passed it on to me as a momento.

I wouldn’t say that he approved of our relationship, but it also wouldn’t be fair to say that he disapproved. Frankly, he never really said much about our union, and that–in many ways–says it all.

Anyway, I came across this cartoon in my ‘favorite’ notebook today. I put it there a few years ago and forgot about it. Nadia gave it to me to remember her dad because it was a perfect ’screencap’ of my job at the time. I like to think that this cartoon is a private joke made only for the three of us, but I know that’s not true.

 When my father-in-law died, I was working for a non-profit with a wonderful mission but it also had an insane and unhealthy work ethic. My boss wanted to meet with me an average of 20 hours a week, and then had the nerve to be indignant when I told her it was hard for me to get my work done. Needless to say I worked very long hours, got into a few tiffs with the boss and often felt that I didn’t have time for me or my relationship.

 I can’t help but think that my time there impacted my ability to get pregnant, though I will never know for sure. I now work in a much calmer family-friendly environment and, even though it’s only been a few weeks, I already feel like things will work out for me when I start my IVF in September.  I sure hope so.

But right now, I’m sporting a wry smile  thinking about my father-in-law and Catbert.

So Nadia and I met our twins on Tuesday night. We went to a support group at my church. I’ve been to the group a couple times before. Nadia went once and really didn’t like it.

This time around I didn’t even ask her if she wanted to go, I just sort of announced that I was going because I felt that I needed it. I’ve been feeling very anxious about my upcoming IVF cycle and I’m leaving no stone unturned when it comes to talking and writing about my fears and anxiety. With each passing day, I hear my bio clock’s tick tock and the sound is deafening. So I just said to Nadia, “I’m going to my group tonight” and she asked me if I wanted her to go. I said, ‘sure’ but deep down I kept thinking that she somehow wasn’t going to make it.

Normally, there are not many women there. I don’t think it’s because there isn’t a demand—there is.  I think the lack of attendance is because it’s a tough subject and if you trek yourself over there once and you don’t find many women there, it can be a challenge to return. I guess what I’m saying is that the group had never really found its rhythm.

Anyhoo, she did make it, albeit a half an hour late due to a crisis at work and to our surprise there were at least eight people there. The other surprising thing was that we met a couple that we might describe as our TTC twins.

For those of you who don’t know, Nadia feels very strongly about adoption. She is very open and, I would say, eager to adopt. She loves children and doesn’t feel the need to birth one or to have me do so. In fact, on Tuesday night she said, ‘getting pregnant is important to me because it’s important to Eva.’ She herself feels that there are many ‘perfectly good children out there’ that need homes and I completely agree with her—on an intellectual level, but I can’t quiet down the burning urge in my gut to give birth.

Needless to say, this ‘difference of opinion’ has been the source of countless arguments and lots of tension in our house for the past couple of years. I get really upset when Nadia is not as in to calculating my chances of getting pregnant every day of my cycle. It’s only been more recently, after a couple months of couple’s therapy, that I’ve been able to calm down and accept her position. Yet even though we’ve come to a bit of détente, I’ve always felt that we were an odd couple. I’ve never met a lesbian couple with this permanent tension around birth vs. adoption, especially in the middle of an arduous TTC journey, at least, not until Tuesday night.

One of the women has been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years. As you can imagine she is desperate to have her own child.  Her partner was not so in to the TTC thing. In fact, she introduced herself by saying ‘I’m not interested in hearing about anyone’s cycle…” She was very interested in exploring her feelings as someone whose partnered with a women who is trying to conceive. One thing she shared was that she ‘wasn’t born but was adopted’ and that it was hard for her to be around women who only talked about the bond between a mother and her biological child.

So it was really great to meet our twins, so to speak. It made me feel less freakish, if you can believe that. It made me breath a sigh of relief and appreciate  the human condition. Let’s face it, it’s complicated.

Okay, how many times has this happened to you?

I was minding my own business last night when I overheard a message from Nadia’s sister, who is a few months older than me. She said something like ‘please call me back, I have some good news.’ When I told Nadia about the message , we guessed that she was either getting married or pregnant.

Well, it turns out that she is pregnant. And, guess what? She met the baby daddy five months ago. Did you hear me? She met him five months ago.

I am happy for her, she is a decent person and thank God she doesn’t know about this blog. My reaction has nothing to do with her as a person. I just feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. It just hurts sometimes when someone comes along and annouces their success with relative ease, especially since I  feel like a complete failure right about now as I wait for my IVF cycle.

Don’t get me wrong, 99.9% of the time, I feel nothing but pure joy for women who are able to achieve their goals, especially those that over 35 and are of (ahem) advanced maternal age. Unfortunately, right now, I am feeling that less than .01%.

If you want to comprise the intimacy in your relationship and watch all romance fall by the wayside, embark on a TTC journey with your partner. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, and I know that I am not speaking for everyone out there, but this has been my experience.

You may remember that I was on birth control pills because I had had a cyst on my ovaries. Other than the occasional homicidal tendency, once I started the menopur injections, I was plugging along just fine on the way to my 7th IUI. Then, as the days progressed, Dr. Feelgood didn’t seem too optimistic for IUI cycle #7 (aka unlucky 7) because I wasn’t really responding well to the medication.

While on menopur, I only developed one viable egg. At the same time, he did not want to increase the dosage because he noticed some additional fluid that he said was being exacerbated by the medication. He said that the fluid pocket could be due to scarring from my surgery.

Needless to say, I am not a very happy camper.

Nadia and I talked about it—ad nauseum– and we decided to skip that cycle. I mean, why invest so much moula, energy, and time when there was only one egg in play? Dr. Feelgood totally agreed with our decision.

So now I am desperately waiting for Auntie Flo. But in my heart of hearts. I am trying to decide if I should do another round of IUIs—rounding out the number to numero 8– or if I should just wait until I get on Nadia’s insurance this summer. Should I skip go, the $200 and go straight to jail, I mean IVF?

IVF is scarey because for me it really represents the final frontier, a frontier that I really didn’t even want to consider a few months ago. But I am trying to get used to the idea and I am trying to convince myself that it represents a ray a hope.

Nadia keeps reminding me, ‘You are not out of the game yet, my dear, not yet.”

So, after getting the good news yesterday, Nadia and I spent a few hours last night selecting a new donor. All of the donors we previously selected have retired.

So let’s recap, shall we?

First there was the South American dreamboat we immediately fell in love with after listening to his audio interview for the first time. His pitch perfect voice was the perfect gift wrap to his comments on social justice and family. Then there was the African/Native American/German who was absolutely perfect except for his smoking which caused his sperm count to be respectable with ‘room for improvement’, according to Dr. Feelgood. Most recently, we used a French/English/Dutch donor who –according to the message boards anyway– was extremely fertile. But four unsuccessful rounds of IUIs later– unfortunately, or maybe fortunately– all of these lovely specimens are retired from the game.

I am not exactly sure why we feel we have to start from scratch evertime a donor retires but we do. So last night Nadia and I put all of our cards on the table–again–and (re)hashed out what we are looking for in a donor. Even though we know that there is no perfect donor, I guess we always worry that we’ve overlooked the One who will answer our prayers, get us pregnant, and make all of our dreams come true.

So starting from scratch meant thinking about what it is we really want in a donor. Do we want open donor? An ethnic donor? and if so, what ethnicity would we choose? African American? Latino? Mixed race?

We also talked about how important it is that our donors boys cans swim? Every cycle represents over a thousand dollars in sperm and shipping costs not to mention the emotional toll it takes.

Nadia was really concerned about whether or not Baby Godot would somehow resent us for not choosing an open donor. She works with adolescents and thinks that these type of decisions can come back to bite parents on the a**

I, on the other hand, was most concerned with choosing an ‘effective’ donor. Is there a definitive way of knowing how many offspring he has? Three donors into this, I also feel strongly about having someone who is Latino and, possibly, someone who looks like Nadia.

Well to make a long story short, we decided on a closed Latino donor who has a pregnancy track record.

We both feel good about the decision and even though I can honestly say that this journey has tested our relationship, it has also brought us closer together.

Even though I had some reservations about starting back on the fertility hamster wheel so close to my surgery, I can’t wait ’til this cycle begins.

Bring on Auntie Flo!

Okay, so I went to my acupuncturist today and I told her about my doctor visit. And I got to say, I felt good when she was less than impressed by the doctor formerly known as Dr. Feelgood. She couldn’t believe that he ‘did not know’ what to make of his little diagram. She said that she was not comfortable with how he left things and that I should follow up.

I told her that I had actually emailed my doctor and was waiting to hear back from him. I know, I know, he is a busy man and I may never hear from him again.

Then again, there is Nadia’s question: Will hearing a response from him really make me feel better?

No, it won’t.

I have to keep reminding myself that there is something magical and mysterious about about conception and birth so maybe a little mystery is–excuse this horrible pun–just what the doctor ordered?

I hope so.