Mommies Here!

Shout out to Puffer of Puffer and the Baby Fishies! And all the moms who have to deal with newborn sleep dilemmas.

Today we had our 2 month check up with the pediatrician and everything is going great. Baby Jay is 15.lbs! He is in the 97%, which means he is huge (!) for his age. I look at him and sometimes I want to cry because he is growing so fast. It was just yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital, weighing 8 lbs. I am very thankful that he is healthy and strong (!!!) but time is sure flying by too fast!

 Anyway, the doctor, who I really used to like until this visit, asked us how sleep was going. We told her that he wakes up every two and a half hours or so. And she said, “Well, a baby of his size is definitely ready to sleep through the night.”

Huh?

I know this may sound crazy but I have been enjoying our middle of the night feedings. Since I am still working full time, I really see that as our alone time and I actually look forward to it, though I am sleep deprived. Nadia, on the other hand, poor thing, is really suffering from lack of sleep. She is unable to concentrate and, at times unable to form a coherent sentence. I have been doing most of the sleep duty but that still doesn’t help her. So I am trying not to be too selfish with my desire to keep the night feedings going for a little longer.

Anyhoo, Dr. Preggo (’cause she is so preggo right now!) told us that this was the perfect time to start sleep training. “Just just put him down in his crib– in his own room– before he gets tired and let him discover how soothe himself to sleep.

She said, “babies don’t sleep through the night but they can learn to self soothe.”

Nadia asked, “well, won’t he be hungry?”

“Well, we are all hungry at night,” Dr. Preggo said, “but we learn to sleep through it. Once they learn how to self-soothe, they will be happy. You don’t’ want your 2 year old waking you up in the middle of the night do you?”

“Well, no,” I thought, “but isn’t there any middle ground between 2 months and 2 years?”

“So, while your training,” she said “no matter what you hear, you should be prepared to just leave him alone and let him cry until he learns how to self-soothe,” she said. She said that we will probably have three rough nights and then it will be smooth sailing.

“Smooth sailing? Who can live through three nights of Baby Jay’s crying? He is only two months old,” I thought.

While listening to her, I really felt like I was going to cry. This may sound crazy, but the thought of putting him in his own room at two months nearly sent me over the edge. I waited three years to have a baby and now it feels as if he is almost grown. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but  Baby Jay still sleeps in a bassinet in our room, though, to be honest; this is a bit ridiculous because I think that the max weight limit for a bassinet is– you guessed it–15lbs, so we have to do something.

Hence my dilemna: he is too big for a bassinet and, in my opinion, too big for a crib in his own room, far away from me.

Thankfully, this past weekend, my BFF gave us this really cool co-sleeper which will accommodate a boy of his size and beyond. While Dr. Preggo was sharing some of her ‘helpful suggestions’ about sleep training, she mentioned that even she didn’t put her baby in another room when they were doing sleep training; so why should we?

Anyhoo, Nadia noticed that I was really, really, really sulking quiet after that visit and she concurred that putting him in his own room right now was not ideal. But she said that “sleeping through the night is one thing I am really looking forward to.” She promised to look at the instructions for building the co-sleeper and that we ease into the sleep training this Friday.

Whew!

 I still have a few days to get used to the idea.

I feel as if it has been ages and ages since I sat down and really did a ‘real’ blog post that was longer and more thoughtful than a drive by. Since Baby Jay came our way, I have been playing catch up. God added water and we became instant parents. Baby Jay is nothing but a pure blessing from heaven but he came to us so quickly that I barely had time to get the right size diapers let alone the accompanying accouterments.

 Nadia and I are just getting around to putting his nursery together—2 months after his birth– and we are slowly starting to exhale.  I still feel overwhelmed when I go into a baby store but it’s getting better and that’s thanks, in large part, to many of you.

 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 Nadia and I are completely in love with Baby Jay. We are awe struck, really.

 But in the midst of my reverie, I feel compelled to share another teachable moment. Just this weekend, Nadia and I were getting ready to go on a picnic with one of my BFFs and her son, M, who is 4. We were in a corner deli often referred to as a ‘Bodega’ here in the city, getting food and drink for the afternoon outing.

 As background, just in case you didn’t know, Nadia and I live in upper Manhattan, which is not known for being ‘gay-friendly’. On the other hand, I have never experienced any outright discrimination in my neighborhood and I know a lot (!) of queer people who here so I walk very confidently around ‘hood. I never really think about what people are thinking of me so in some ways, I am a little oblivious, but happy.

 Anyhoo, this weekend we were all standing around the Bodega counter, when older black woman said to no one in particular “whose boy is this,” referring to Baby Jay. She looked at Nadia, my BFF and me and I looked back at her  a little sheepishly and she said to me, “Oh, this is your son. You can’t deny it. He looks just like you.” And I said, “well…” and Nadia gave me a look which seemed to say “don’t.”  

 I was about to say, “Well, he’s our son” but Nadia stopped me. Why? What was she thinking? Was she thinking, like I often do, that she didn’t want to deal with any “negative reactions.” Often times, I don’t come out to people I don’t know, not because I’m ashamed of who I am, but simply because I am just tired of dealing with other people’s bull. It can be exhausting to have to defend my life, when I’m really just trying to get a sandwich, you know?

 The woman went on to say, “You can’t deny your blood. He looks just like you. And they say that’s good luck when a boy resembles his mother.” After that we paid for our sandwiches and left.

 So that whole left me with a lot of mixed feelings.

 At first, I was really at a loss for words. Part of me was secretly thrilled that she thought he looked like me. Many people have said Baby Jay and I resemble one another and there is a part of me that experiences that as a badge of honor. I wanted to give birth to my own child for so long and now I have Jay and it just thrills me on some level that he is so gorgeous and wonderful and that looks like he could be my biological son.

 However, when we left the store, I heard Nadia say to Baby Jay, “you are my son too, don’t forget that.” And I felt horrible. I said to her “are you okay?”

 And she replied, “I don’t really care about what that woman said, but I’m worried about what will happen when Baby Jay get’s older. What will happen when he understands that he is adopted and how will he feel during those kinds of exchanges?”  

 Neither one of us wants him to feel ashamed of the fact that he has two moms and, of course, we don’t want him to feel shame about his adoption, so we do need to figure out what we are going to say to folks.

 It’s tricky because people really don’t have a right to know anything about my personal life; on the other hand, I want Baby Jay to be proud of who he is.

 What would you do?

When I was trying to get pregnant, I was always waiting. Waiting to start a cycle, waiting to trigger my ovulation, for insemination, waiting to do a pregnancy test, waiting for the doctor to call with lab results. It was excruciating and one of the things that I liked about getting off of the trying to conceive train (TTC) train was the fact that I wouldn’t have to do any of that crap any more.

So then, I started the adoption process and I started another wait. Instead of waiting for my body to do something, I was often waiting on someone else. First and foremost was the paper wait. i spent a lot ot time waiting for paper to be sent, filled out, filed, and approved.

Then, I launched my ad campaign and started waiting for the phone to ring! Every day, I would wait by the phone and that was a different shade of hell. It was more externalized, less personalized, and gave me a little distance from the voices in my head that beat me up when I’m under stress, but I still heard voices.

This is never going to work. You are never going to be a mom. You’ve made another mistake.

Luckily,  after three years, we finally turned a corner.

Okay, now that we have our precious Baby Jay, I feel like I am running the last leg of a marathon. I am almost there, tired, and out of breathe, but I see the finish line.

 Jay’s birth mom has until Friday to change her mind. After Friday, in the court’s mind, she would have relinquished any of her rights to Baby Jay and we will be free to more towards adoption finalization. Friday, June 18th, represents a crossing over of sorts for me and it makes this wait all the more difficult.

This time, I have the baby. I know his smile, his smell, his likes and dislikes. I am no longer living in the realm of fantasy. This is real. Jay is my son. When I hold him in my arms, when I am burping him, for example,  it couldn’t be more real. I know his cries: hungry, gassy, and tired. It would be beyond words devastating if Baby Jay’s birth mom were to call before Friday. Even though it hasn’t even been a month since I met him, I can’t even imagine my life without him. Nadia is counting down the days and has been since we brought him home. I am not and I’m not quite sure why.

I have been thinking, Friday will come and go and he will be ours. But as Friday nears, I keep thinking about what his birth mom could be going through. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? Has she thought about picking up the phone? She has our 1-800# and my email; I gave them to her. She could call me or the agency at any time. Does she have regrets? Or is she is fiendishly trying to put the whole thing behind her and move on with her life?

I guess I will never know. But what I do know is that whatever she thinks and doesn’t think, I will forever be in her debt because she gave me a perfect gift; she gave me this moment. I am Jay’s mom. The is what I have been waiting for: the here and the now with my son.

This was also posted today at “Two Brides, One Adoption Story”, my new blog at the Adoptive Families Circle (AFC).  I will post there once a week.

*****

Mom was born in the Caribbean during the Great Depression. She loved the pomp and circumstance of weddings, celebrating the birth of babies, and dancing to Calypso. Mom loved life.

I am, Eva, my mother’s daughter.

But, to the naked eye, we seem very different. First and foremost, Mom could pass for white. I can’t. I am identifiably black. Mom was straight, married to dad for over 25 years and I’m not. About 10 years ago, I fell madly in love with Nadia and, after a seven-year courtship, we eloped to Canada–no pomp and circumstance for me.

Mom was fertile and I’m not. She gave birth to three kids, while, for three years, I struggled with infertility. That hell ended last year with one final, abysmal in vitro cycle.

Mom never told me that growing up could bring so much heartache but maybe she ran out of time. We lost her to breast cancer more than 16 years ago, when I was in my early 20s.

What Mom did tell me was how much she absolutely loved being a mother. She said that giving birth to me and my brothers was the greatest experience of her life, and she prayed that I would be able to experience that one day. Unfortunately, giving birth wasn’t in my stars, but I know that I will love being a mom, just like she did. I’ve dreamt about it for many years and I’m thrilled to have the chance to become a mother through domestic infant adoption.

My wife, Nadia, is South American with a heart made of gold. When we met, it was practically love at first site. She loves kids of all ages and can’t wait to be a mom. She’s my soul mate. Unlike me, she never wanted to give birth. This difference caused some tension between us, but it also made our marriage stronger. Because we are a same-sex couple in a transracial relationship, the adoption professionals have made it clear that, in their vernacular, we are considered an “alternative family.”

But this is not my first experience being in an “alternative family.”

Dad was visibly black and, as I said before, Mom could pass. Given the racial realities back in the 70s,  when I grew up, we were alternative, too. Our neighborhood was overtly hostile to black or “mixed” families. It was tough going on many occasions and there were times when we were called derogatory names or physically threatened.

When something like that did happened, we would always go to Mom. She had a way of making us feel better no matter what was going on. Looking back on it now, I realize that she carried many of our fears and anxieties inside of her and her resolve still carries me through the hard times, even to this day. I hear her  voice sometimes, telling me I can overcome anything. I hope to be that kind of mom to my kids.

Throughout my childhood, one thing I learned from Mom was to never give up on a dream.  Her uncompromising spirit served to anchor us inside the home, no matter what was going on outside. The  lessons that I learned from her  have carried me through many challenges, and I know I will draw on those lessons as we wait to adopt an infant through domestic adoption. We’ve submitted all of our paperwork to the court, put the finishing touches on our adoption profile, and we were recently certified by the court. Nadia and I have crossed over to the “expecting” category and “the wait” has officially begun.

So this post is dedicated to Mom, but also to the little one waiting in the wings, who will one day grace our home. I’ve dreamt of you, “Little Wing,” for so long and Nadia and I can’t wait to meet you, adopt you, and bring you home.

So Nadia was doing laundry and look what she found outside our laundry room…

A bassinet. An (almost) new bassinet that snaps into a stroller. It’s beautiful.

Nadia was actually quite excited to discover this treat, which is funny because she warned me against going out and spending what was left of our saving on baby items.  It’s nice to have in the house.

Now all I need is a matching stroller and, oh yeah,  a baby.

Well, that’s moving along. We had part deux of our homestudy. Chatty Cathy was not so chatty this time. She had several appointments scheduled on the day of her visit so she breezed right through. And yes, she did take a tour.

At one point, I said to her, “Well the house just isn’t as clean as it was the first day you came.” And she responded, “Good, you are more comfortable now. This is better.” So it was all good.

During the interview, she wanted to know more about our work history and relationships with our family. And that wasn’t such a big deal. Then, she asked, “So when did you decide that you no longer wanted to be with men?”

And I had to break it to her. “I didn’t decide, I just fell in love.”

We’re back from our South American Vacation and Nadia and I had a wonderful time. There was a lot of fun, family, beach, sand, sun, surf, beef, beef, beef and lots of love.  Nadia and I  were able to totally relax and enjoy one another. We connected in ways we hadn’t since we started the ttc, so the trip really did wonders for us.

We spent time with family for Christmas, then visited  some of the most beautiful beach towns I have ever seen and then we spent more time with family for New Years just before coming home.

Nadia is very close with her aunt, Chiquita who is 75. We spent as much time with her as we could because her health is deteriorating. She is a darling! She accepts me as Nadia’s wife and is really routing for us to have a baby. In fact for Christmas, she got me a flowered shirt “so that I can bloom”. It made me very emotional because we don’t have  a lot of support from Nadia’s family. Both of her parents died within the last three years.

 We also spent a lot of time with Nadia’s cousin, Mariella.  I love her to pieces! She is 39, recently married and on her own ttc journey. Needless to say, we’ve bonded around that. I will write more about her when I am less jet lagged; there is a three hour time difference, you know!

As you can see, the beach towns are gorgeous! It was summer down there but it wasn’t oppressively hot the way it gets in New York.

 It was a magical ttw and I actually convinced myself that I was pregnant, but I’m not. I celebrated New Year’s Day with Auntie Flo. Let’s face it, it would have been a great story, but it’s not my story.

IVF here I  come–again!

So we finally heard from Nadia’s doctor yesterday and she is totally fine. She doesn’t need any more treatment. No chemo. No radiation. So we are totally eggstatic!

What a relief. Now we can go back to fighting about the  ttc.

Seriously, I am going to do one more natural cycle IUI before the IVF insurance kicks so so  I’m going in next week for a day 11 ultrasound.

Yippee! 

Okay, so Nadia and I went to the doctor on Wednesday to get the results of the pathology report. In other words, we wanted to find out whether or not she is completely cured of thyroid cancer or if she has to have radiation treatment. So we waited, waited, and waited and guess what? We’re still waiting.

Apparently, the folks in the lab ate too much turkey so they weren’t able to get the labs done in time for our appointment. No, seriously, the doctor told us that they got backed up by holidays but that this was highly unusual. Normally, he has the labs well in advance of his requisite 10 day post-appointments. Unusual? Should I be worried?

I am trying to remain calm. Calm, I tell you! After all, if I’ve learned nothing else from this extended TTC journey, I’ve learned how to wait.

Hurmph!

I hope to hear something good first think Monday morning!

I went back to school this past week and I gotta admit that it was a lot of fun.  While Nadia was safely tucked at home recovering, I went to a mandatory IVF class at the new RE’s office. Of course, I still have one more natural IUI cycle to contend with before my insurance will pay for IVF and, hopefully, that natural IUI cycle will do the trick, but in case it doesn’t, I wanted to get the class out of the way.

One thing I never mentioned was that my new RE is in the same facility as Nadia’s oncologist. In fact, they are practically on the same floor. Something about their proximity makes me feel oddly comforted. So when I went to my class last week, I passed her doctor’s office en route to my clasroom.

 There were about seven women there, some with their husbands and some of them were flying solo like me. The nurses went over a 65 slide presentation, which reviewed such basics as:

a) What is IVF? b) What is considered day 1 of a women’s cycle? c) What are the side effects of fertility drugs?

And then they proceeded to go over specific procedures for day 3 IVF protocols, retrievals, and transfers. At the end of the class, they reviewed how to mix fertility drugs like menopur, how to prime pens like Gonal-F, and how to administer subcutaneous and intramuscular injections. After we watched a 15-minute video, they had each on of us “admininster” a progesterone shot on the rear end of a life-sized dummy.

Of course, the injection primer was just a review for me, but I have to admit that I really enjoyed the two hour class. It gave me confidence and hope. The nurses seemed like they really knew what they were doing. They were open to answering questions and even seemed as if they would be open to answering the same question twice–which is always a good sign. At the end of the class, I didn’t feel as if  I were too old for this, which is ususally how I felt when I left my old RE’s office.

After the class, I met with my IVF nurse, to review my IVF protocol. Let’s hope that  my upcoming natural IUI works and I  won’t have go on this protocol, but in case I do, I will give you a sneak peak. If it comes to this, I will probably begin in January after my holiday vacation in sunny South America.

Dr. Yoda’s IVF Protocol:

Ten days after I ovulate, I will start the estrogen patch. After starting  the estrogen, I begin three days of Ganirelix injections. On day 2 of my period, I will begin with 450 Gonal-F and 2 vials of Menopur. That’s when the daily monitoring begins. When my follicles are ready to pop, they will schedule the retrieval. More than likely, I will have a 3-day transfer.

I’m feeling hopeful. Nadia will have her post-op appointment on Wednesday, when we will learn if the cancer has spread. I have a good feelings about her appointment and our baby making journey.