Mommies Here!

So I’ve settled into my boring work routine and am just wanted to checklist off everything on my ivf prep checklist. Even though, I’ve only been back for a short week, I’ve done pretty well so far:

1.  Saline Sonogram–check
2.  SIS or sounding–to measure the transfer  etc.–check
3. Insurance Authorization–stil waiting on pins and needles
4.  Surge monitoring–check, started on Saturday
5.  Endo-metrial co-culture (scheduled after my ovulation/positive surge on test)
6.  Estrogren priming–will begin after my surge
7.  Ganirlix-a day after I start estrogen.
And then the wait for my period followed by a day 2 blast off to the IVF drug haze. 

 
The two procedures, I had last week were painless and I was out of the office in half an  hour. The last time I did a saline sonogram, I waited two hours suffered through what seemed like an endless procedure and then went straight to bed with excruciating cramps. In previous posts I named the saline sonogram the no-pain-no-gain exam because I hated it so much and thought it was going to kill me. My former RE, the doctor formerly known as Dr. Feelgood scared the beejesus out of me by stating “my uterus was stil distorted after the surgery”. And when I asked him what that meant, he said, “I don’t know,” which put me in a panic. But yesterday my new RE, Dr. Yoda, said that everything looked good. There was no mention of scaring or weird uterine formations.
 
So I’m waiting for insurance authorization and feeling an odd sense of calm.

I am ecstatic after my conversation with Dr. Feelgood today. I had to stalk him a little bit because the receptionist did not want to connect me. In fact, she told me that I may have to come back in for a consultation to get my questions answered. I politely explained to her that he suggested we communicate via email; however, I was still waiting to hear back from him.

I actually had two questions. One was about the importance of CMV status when choosing a donor and the other was about my uterus.

After putting me on hold for several minutes—several times–she told me to wait one more minute. Tic, toc…tick toc. Then, I found myself on the phone with Dr. Feelgood. I made some pleasantries and then asked him to clarify his thoughts on my uterus. At first, he didn’t remember our last conversation or my exam, so I had to walk him through the “no pain, no gain’ exam, his drawing of my distorted uterus, and his statement about how he did not know what it all meant.

“Did I really say that”, he said.

“Ummm, yeah! Well, anyway, I’m wondering if you think that the distortion will affect my ability to get pregnant?”

Pause

Drum roll please…

“Um, no I don’t think so, I don’t think it will have an effect but of course it is hard to say for certain.”

Score!

I think that is the best I can hope for. And, even though this is excellent news, it pains me a little to admit Nadia that was right.

So, it’s official! I will start the hampster wheel, TTC, eggdropdrama, injectible cycle again at the end of this month.

Thank you, Jesus!

Okay, so I went to my acupuncturist today and I told her about my doctor visit. And I got to say, I felt good when she was less than impressed by the doctor formerly known as Dr. Feelgood. She couldn’t believe that he ‘did not know’ what to make of his little diagram. She said that she was not comfortable with how he left things and that I should follow up.

I told her that I had actually emailed my doctor and was waiting to hear back from him. I know, I know, he is a busy man and I may never hear from him again.

Then again, there is Nadia’s question: Will hearing a response from him really make me feel better?

No, it won’t.

I have to keep reminding myself that there is something magical and mysterious about about conception and birth so maybe a little mystery is–excuse this horrible pun–just what the doctor ordered?

I hope so.

What a roller coaster ride!

So I had my saline sonogram, aka my “no pain no gain exam” and it hurt like hell, but I got through it by gritting my teeth and holding Nadia’s hand. After the torture was over, I was expecting my doctor to say, ‘Congratulations, the surgery was a major success and you are all set to go!” In retrospect maybe I was a little naïve.

He told me that my uterus ‘looked good’ that there were no longer any masses or major distortions. However, he did take the time to draw me a picture so that I could see what he saw.

Apparently, because of the surgery, my uterus is still slightly distorted, though far better than it was before. I looked at him with a kind of WTF face and he said, ‘what does this mean? Well, I don’t know.” I wanted to say, ‘You don’t know? You mean to tell me that I have endured major abdominal surgery, two weeks of excruciating pain followed by four weeks of manageable pain and discomfort and at the end of all of that, you don’t know how to interpret this very costly picture of my uterus? WTF?!?” That was what I wanted to say, but the reality is that I was feeling too vulnerable to say anything. I know that there are no guarantees in life, but since he encouraged me to have the surgery, I was hoping for a more positive result. I really was.

We agreed that I would call him when Auntie Flow paid a visit and that I would start the next injectible cycle later this month.

After the visit, I was not a happy camper. In fact, I will confess that I was on the verge of tears when Nadia—the eternal pessimist—showed me some sunshine.

She said that she heard things differently. She said that she thought he seemed very positive. She reminded me that doctors rarely commit to anything. She told me that I should take what he said in stride and not allow myself to think negatively. She said she felt good about the visit and that she was excited to start trying again.

I’m glad that she was there to lead me out of the darkness.

I don’t understand myself.

So we went to the RE today and I guess he gave me some good news. He said that I could start next month. The back drop to this is, of course, the fact that I was scared sh*tless and all stressed out about seeing him today because I thought he might tell me that I had to wait, but when he said that I could start ASAP, I got even more nervous.

WTF?

I guess I have a love/hate relationship with the egg drop drama. It’s one of those sick relationships where you can’t get enough of it but you hate the fact that you are even in it, if you know what I mean.

Even though I’ve been ready to have a baby for a long time, the idea of starting those injectibles again does not make me happy. I hate the hormones, the needles and the effect on my body. On the other hand, this forced break has caused me to think about nothing else but hormones, needles, and my body. I think about it all of the time, even when I am not thinking about it.

I know I am not making any sense, but the question looming in the back of my head is: what if I start this crap over again and it does not work? It’s hard not to go there, but at the same time I have to remain positive, right?

And the last thing my doctor said was that I have to have another Saline Hystereosonogram to see if I have any adhesions in my uterus now that I’ve had the myomectomy, which sucks because that test really, really hurts.

Damn!

Have you ever had a mammogram?

A mammogram is like a right of passage into middle age, right? Well today was my first one. What else do I have to look forward to.

I gotta say: THAT SUCKED!

Basically, the technician twisted me into the shape of a pretzel and then tried to flatten my boobs into a pancakes one at a time, so she could take a pictures. Ouch! I told the technician that it was painful through gritted teeth and white knuckles. She responded with, “really?”

When it was over, I told her I was traumatized.

And I thought I had been through enough with all of the fertility testing I’ve endured.

When I told Nadia about it she said that she never found them to be painful, but she has a high threshold for pain.

I don’t want to do that again.