We will meet with the judge to finalize Baby Jay’s adoption, witnessed by family and friends, on Wednesday, December 15th. We are thrilled to pieces; we can hardly contain ourselves.

Of course, I will blog all about it.

In other news, Baby Jay has his first tooth. It is a lower middle tooth and it popped out just in time for Thanksgiving!  He didn’t really fuss or cry too much but, of course, there was a lot of drooling. He didn’t have turkey for Thanksgiving, but he sure will have a taste on Christmas day.

So we got two early Christmas gifts. Keep ‘em coming!

Baby Jay loves to dance, and by dancing I mean that he loves to hop up and down (with assistance, of course) to the rhythm of a good beat. Among of his favorites are MJ’s Thriller and Baby Loves Jazz.

In addition to hopping, he has started to scoot on his belly-backwards–like a squid–which I’ve heard is a precursor to crawling. It’s very cute, and I’m not just saying that because I’m his Mama.

He also loves to eat.  In addition to his baby formula, he eats pureed carrots, squash, and peas. Yummy! After our doctor’s visit next week, we may introduce the sippy cup. Can you believe it?

All in all, my parental leave has been wonderful and I am dreading the day that I have to go back to work in early January, but I still have some time before I really need to deal with that, so I will put that post off until another day.

Baby Jay is still not technically “ours”. We have all of our paperwork into the court,  and our adoption agency has done their part, but we are still waiting for a court day. Until then, he is still technically, a ward of our adoption agency; they are still legally responsible for him. My lawyer thinks that the court may be able to schedule us by the end of the year, but today is November 17th,  and I’m starting to think that our ”end of the year finalization chances” are a little slim. As many of you know, I do believe in miracles, and it would be great to finalize before Baby Jay’s first Christmas, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

Obviously,  I would like to finalize as soon as possible. I have  my reasons. First and foremost, I crave the emotional relief of knowing that Baby Jay is truly ours in the eyes of the court.  It would be such a relief, so comforting, really a dream come true. Also, I would love to be able to file for the adoption tax credit next year. That refund check will definitely come in handy.

Lastly, I look forward to the day, when I will no longer have to schedule visits with our social workers. My wife is a social worker so, of course, I love social workers, but these visits are exhausting and a bit awkward, to say the least. After six months, it’s hard to submit an check up from a third party evaluator, no matter who ‘nice’ they are. Intellectually, I know that the court requires us to be monitored but, emotionally, it feels a little invasive. I don’t know how people deal with it.

Anyway, I guess dealing with these visits are a small price to pay for my precious prince, Baby Jay!

If you don’t get to see it tonight, you can watch it online until December 7, 2010 at pbs.org.

Okay, more to come later this week.

I think it’s important that I  share a little bit about my experience  because it’s a huge  issue for all families and, hopefully, you will share too.

 From the moment I told my colleagues at work that Nadia and I  got “the call” about Baby Jay’s birth, everyone at my job has been extremely supportive. Let’s face it, the whole situation, could have led to some very awkward moments because no one at my  job knew that we were trying to adopt a baby; it just seemed to happen out of the blue. Fortunately for me, my job allows for 3 months paid parental leave for pregnant women, their spouses, and adoptive parents, which I know is extremely rare in this country, so it’s kind of perfect.

Even though I was dying to be with Baby Jay, I didn’t take my leave right away because  two weeks before Baby Jay’s birth, I was given some “very important” extra responsibilities for the summer and I knew that leaving abruptly would not be viewed favorably. Additionally, after looking into her leave policy, Nadia learned that she would be able to take some time off to spend with our son, so I knew that he would be in excellent hands–eventually.

 Given the emergency nature of the placement, Baby Jay, spent his first month with us with a beloved baby sitter  during the working hours. She has taken care of several children in our building over the years.  But, no matter who it is, it’s hard to leave your child with someone else, when you want to be on The One taking care of his every need. Obviously, in many respects, the care giving situation was less than ideal during that firts month, but Nadia and I muddled through the unexpectedly delightful first months of mommy hood, as sleep deprived as we are were.  

When I finally broached the subject of my leave with one of  supervisors, imagine my surprise when he told me that he would like me to consider delaying my leave a little further–like six weeks further–when my son would be about 5 months old. 

Huh?

Was this because my son was adopted? or because he has two moms? or was it just work -life politics circa 2010? Who knows? And, ultimately, who cares. I didn’t think about this one long enough to turn it into an adoption teachable moment.

Dear readers, you will be happy to know that with the backing of human resources, my wife, and many of my colleagues, I politely demurred. I will be on parental leave with Baby Jay from September 1 until January. Yes, my three months leave was extened to four months due vacation time  accrued and holiday office closings. 

 So, I am thrilled to have the time off to finally bond with my son after so many years of waiting for this miracle, but if I hadn’t stood my ground, it was have started after Baby Jay’s 5-month birthday. Even though I have ‘great benefits” my experience has made me curious about other people’s family leave experiences.

So leave a comment to let me know how about your family leave experience. I would love to hear how the initial ‘conversation’ went with your supervisor. Was s/he supportive? or did s/he fake a smile? Also, were you made to feel guilty for taking the time you need? If you are a non-bio parent, were you able to take any time? And, if you are an adoptive parent, how did/does your employer handle parental leave?

As stated on her website, she launched Pam’s House Blend in July 2004 as a personal response to the anti-gay state of the political landscape. Her website now averages 120,000 visitors a month (you go girl!).

Pam’s House Blend is ranked in the top 50 progressive political blogs. Michael Rogers, editor and publisher of gay blog PageOneQ.com: “Pam is certainly the most important lesbian blogger in America. She’s a lesbian in a gay blogging world that is overwhelmingly gay men. She’s a blogger as a woman in an overwhelmingly male-dominated world and she’s of color and the internet is so skewed to the privileged.” So what is not to love?

She has provided commentary on CNN during the 2008 presidential election cycle, and contributed to and participated in a gazillion progressive political forums. Let’s face it, she is seriously impressive.

Anyway, I knew that she was going to be at the conference but since I had never been, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if I would get the chance to meet her. I mean before the conference began I asked myslef: would all of the speakers be cordoned off in an exclusive green room? or would they be separated from the blogosphere minions, like me, by a velvet rope?

Imagine my surprise when I ran into Pam Spaulding exiting the exhibit hall. I am not exactly shy, so I ran up to her and said, “OMIGOD, I am one of your biggest fans! I go to your website several time a day.” And then I thought to myself, “okay, that was stupdi, Eva. Here we go…”

But she turned out to be one of the nicest, sweetest, most down to earth people that I have ever met. She was warm and supportive. When I told her about my infertility, my blog, and my adopted son, she encouraged me to keep blogging to tell my story. She said that I had an important perspective, as a lesbian, to share with the world.

“You think so?” I said in the midst of about 2400 other bloggers who also consider their stories important.

“Yes,” she replied.

And that ‘yes’, really made my day!

I told her that I wrote anonymously and that I was nervous about showing my face on my blog and she encouraged me to take my time but that it would be valuable if I could be more visible. So she empowered me to  take a picture with her to post on my site.  And  if you see any additional  pictures of me on this site, it’s thanks to Pam (thanks, Pam!)

I also asked her what strategies she used to build her site in such a competitive environment and she gave me some tips, encouragement, and an wonderful opportunity.

She encouraged me to create a diary on her site  in which I would write about infertility and adoption from a lesbian perspective and boy do I have lot of material, starting with some of my experiences  with wacky doctors ,my crazy insurance fights, and some never disclosed adoption teachable moments. She said she would promote it  (fist pumps!) So I have been reflecting on my experience , and thinking about what fresh stories I want to tell about my life as a lesiban infertile and adoptive mom. That series will start soon, so stay tuned.

At any rate, I just wanted to reiterate something that I’ve been saying for a long time about this community. The blogosphere, with all of his drawbacks, is a great place. For example, I’ve cried over the life stories of people that I’ve never met; shared information about the intimate details of my reproductive organs that I would never even share with members of my own family; and I’ve found my “voice”– something that I struggled to find for many years.

It also provides opportunities to meet incredible people.  It is always a thrill to meet a blogger, particuarly, one whose blog you’ve followed for years, who really exceeds your  in real life expectations; and that was certainly the case for me when I met Pam Spaulding.

I feel as if it has been ages and ages since I sat down and really did a ‘real’ blog post that was longer and more thoughtful than a drive by. Since Baby Jay came our way, I have been playing catch up. God added water and we became instant parents. Baby Jay is nothing but a pure blessing from heaven but he came to us so quickly that I barely had time to get the right size diapers let alone the accompanying accouterments.

 Nadia and I are just getting around to putting his nursery together—2 months after his birth– and we are slowly starting to exhale.  I still feel overwhelmed when I go into a baby store but it’s getting better and that’s thanks, in large part, to many of you.

 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 Nadia and I are completely in love with Baby Jay. We are awe struck, really.

 But in the midst of my reverie, I feel compelled to share another teachable moment. Just this weekend, Nadia and I were getting ready to go on a picnic with one of my BFFs and her son, M, who is 4. We were in a corner deli often referred to as a ‘Bodega’ here in the city, getting food and drink for the afternoon outing.

 As background, just in case you didn’t know, Nadia and I live in upper Manhattan, which is not known for being ‘gay-friendly’. On the other hand, I have never experienced any outright discrimination in my neighborhood and I know a lot (!) of queer people who here so I walk very confidently around ‘hood. I never really think about what people are thinking of me so in some ways, I am a little oblivious, but happy.

 Anyhoo, this weekend we were all standing around the Bodega counter, when older black woman said to no one in particular “whose boy is this,” referring to Baby Jay. She looked at Nadia, my BFF and me and I looked back at her  a little sheepishly and she said to me, “Oh, this is your son. You can’t deny it. He looks just like you.” And I said, “well…” and Nadia gave me a look which seemed to say “don’t.”  

 I was about to say, “Well, he’s our son” but Nadia stopped me. Why? What was she thinking? Was she thinking, like I often do, that she didn’t want to deal with any “negative reactions.” Often times, I don’t come out to people I don’t know, not because I’m ashamed of who I am, but simply because I am just tired of dealing with other people’s bull. It can be exhausting to have to defend my life, when I’m really just trying to get a sandwich, you know?

 The woman went on to say, “You can’t deny your blood. He looks just like you. And they say that’s good luck when a boy resembles his mother.” After that we paid for our sandwiches and left.

 So that whole left me with a lot of mixed feelings.

 At first, I was really at a loss for words. Part of me was secretly thrilled that she thought he looked like me. Many people have said Baby Jay and I resemble one another and there is a part of me that experiences that as a badge of honor. I wanted to give birth to my own child for so long and now I have Jay and it just thrills me on some level that he is so gorgeous and wonderful and that looks like he could be my biological son.

 However, when we left the store, I heard Nadia say to Baby Jay, “you are my son too, don’t forget that.” And I felt horrible. I said to her “are you okay?”

 And she replied, “I don’t really care about what that woman said, but I’m worried about what will happen when Baby Jay get’s older. What will happen when he understands that he is adopted and how will he feel during those kinds of exchanges?”  

 Neither one of us wants him to feel ashamed of the fact that he has two moms and, of course, we don’t want him to feel shame about his adoption, so we do need to figure out what we are going to say to folks.

 It’s tricky because people really don’t have a right to know anything about my personal life; on the other hand, I want Baby Jay to be proud of who he is.

 What would you do?

Finally, the Happy Dance for me!

So then, I started the adoption process and I started another wait. Instead of waiting for my body to do something, I was often waiting on someone else. First and foremost was the paper wait. i spent a lot ot time waiting for paper to be sent, filled out, filed, and approved.

Then, I launched my ad campaign and started waiting for the phone to ring! Every day, I would wait by the phone and that was a different shade of hell. It was more externalized, less personalized, and gave me a little distance from the voices in my head that beat me up when I’m under stress, but I still heard voices.

This is never going to work. You are never going to be a mom. You’ve made another mistake.

Luckily,  after three years, we finally turned a corner.

Okay, now that we have our precious Baby Jay, I feel like I am running the last leg of a marathon. I am almost there, tired, and out of breathe, but I see the finish line.

 Jay’s birth mom has until Friday to change her mind. After Friday, in the court’s mind, she would have relinquished any of her rights to Baby Jay and we will be free to more towards adoption finalization. Friday, June 18th, represents a crossing over of sorts for me and it makes this wait all the more difficult.

This time, I have the baby. I know his smile, his smell, his likes and dislikes. I am no longer living in the realm of fantasy. This is real. Jay is my son. When I hold him in my arms, when I am burping him, for example,  it couldn’t be more real. I know his cries: hungry, gassy, and tired. It would be beyond words devastating if Baby Jay’s birth mom were to call before Friday. Even though it hasn’t even been a month since I met him, I can’t even imagine my life without him. Nadia is counting down the days and has been since we brought him home. I am not and I’m not quite sure why.

I have been thinking, Friday will come and go and he will be ours. But as Friday nears, I keep thinking about what his birth mom could be going through. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? Has she thought about picking up the phone? She has our 1-800# and my email; I gave them to her. She could call me or the agency at any time. Does she have regrets? Or is she is fiendishly trying to put the whole thing behind her and move on with her life?

I guess I will never know. But what I do know is that whatever she thinks and doesn’t think, I will forever be in her debt because she gave me a perfect gift; she gave me this moment. I am Jay’s mom. The is what I have been waiting for: the here and the now with my son.

We met the birth mom, Martine,  yesterday and the most beautiful baby boy in the world. She was incredibly sweet, poised and loving. When we walked into the hospital room, she gave us both big hugs!

We picked up the baby a few minutes later and he is an absolute dream. I could have stayed there all afternoon just looking at him. What a site! I didn’t want to let him go.

The night before Nadia and I had a little tiff over the baby’s name because I didn’t want to be presumptuous and pick out a name before Martine surrendered him to us. Nadia, on the other hand, thought that it would be important for our bonding to pick out a name. So we did, though I was  a little pissy about it.

And I’m so glad we did. 

Martine let us name the baby for the official birth certificate. From now on, I will call him Baby Jay! We gave him a first and last name. Martine will get the official birth certificate with his first and second names as well as her last name and then we will have a new one reissued in 3 to 6 months with our last names.

How exciting!

We asked Martine how she was feeling. She looked great for someone who had just had a c-section 2 days ago. I had some pictures to show her of our family and she showed me a picture of her three year old daughter, who is absolutely gorgeous!

She asked us if we felt we were ready for this and we kind of stammered through that answer.

Nadia said, “Well, um, we wanted to be parents for  many years but…”

Martine, ” Well, I hope I am not causing too much trouble…”

 ”Not at all, ” I piped in, “we are very excited! We just have a lot to learn.”

And she smiled warmly.

If all goes well today, we will bring him home later this afternoon. I can’t believe it!

In preparation for the arrival of our little miracle, I compiled a list of your suggestions and we visited Tar.get last night.  When we got to the baby section, I thought my head would explode(!)  so we just bought the basics. There is a lot to learn. Especially for me. I’ve fantasized about being a mom for several years, but I’ve  had no ‘real time’ to plan. Needless to say, it’s all overwhelming yet very welcome!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR HELP!