The Egg Drop Post

Writing about my parental leave situation is  tricky because I don’t want to seem ungrateful, especially in light of the fact that I start a  four month parental leave next Wednesday. And I realize that I also run the risk of casting my employer in a negative light, if I say too much, which is the last thing I would like to do. Also, now that I’ve shown my face around here a few times, I feel weird letting it all hang out, but I’ll get used to it. 

I think it’s important that I  share a little bit about my experience  because it’s a huge  issue for all families and, hopefully, you will share too.

 From the moment I told my colleagues at work that Nadia and I  got “the call” about Baby Jay’s birth, everyone at my job has been extremely supportive. Let’s face it, the whole situation, could have led to some very awkward moments because no one at my  job knew that we were trying to adopt a baby; it just seemed to happen out of the blue. Fortunately for me, my job allows for 3 months paid parental leave for pregnant women, their spouses, and adoptive parents, which I know is extremely rare in this country, so it’s kind of perfect.

Even though I was dying to be with Baby Jay, I didn’t take my leave right away because  two weeks before Baby Jay’s birth, I was given some “very important” extra responsibilities for the summer and I knew that leaving abruptly would not be viewed favorably. Additionally, after looking into her leave policy, Nadia learned that she would be able to take some time off to spend with our son, so I knew that he would be in excellent hands–eventually.

 Given the emergency nature of the placement, Baby Jay, spent his first month with us with a beloved baby sitter  during the working hours. She has taken care of several children in our building over the years.  But, no matter who it is, it’s hard to leave your child with someone else, when you want to be on The One taking care of his every need. Obviously, in many respects, the care giving situation was less than ideal during that firts month, but Nadia and I muddled through the unexpectedly delightful first months of mommy hood, as sleep deprived as we are were.  

When I finally broached the subject of my leave with one of  supervisors, imagine my surprise when he told me that he would like me to consider delaying my leave a little further–like six weeks further–when my son would be about 5 months old. 

Huh?

Was this because my son was adopted? or because he has two moms? or was it just work -life politics circa 2010? Who knows? And, ultimately, who cares. I didn’t think about this one long enough to turn it into an adoption teachable moment.

Dear readers, you will be happy to know that with the backing of human resources, my wife, and many of my colleagues, I politely demurred. I will be on parental leave with Baby Jay from September 1 until January. Yes, my three months leave was extened to four months due vacation time  accrued and holiday office closings. 

 So, I am thrilled to have the time off to finally bond with my son after so many years of waiting for this miracle, but if I hadn’t stood my ground, it was have started after Baby Jay’s 5-month birthday. Even though I have ‘great benefits” my experience has made me curious about other people’s family leave experiences.

So leave a comment to let me know how about your family leave experience. I would love to hear how the initial ‘conversation’ went with your supervisor. Was s/he supportive? or did s/he fake a smile? Also, were you made to feel guilty for taking the time you need? If you are a non-bio parent, were you able to take any time? And, if you are an adoptive parent, how did/does your employer handle parental leave?

One of the all time highlights of my BlogHer’10 experience was meeting Pam Spaulding of Pam’s House Blend. I have admired her work for many years. I visit her site several times a day for updates on the state of LGBT America from a progressive point of view. Pam is an African-American lesbian who is really rocking the blogosphere. And I’m one of many people who think the world of her.

As stated on her website, she launched Pam’s House Blend in July 2004 as a personal response to the anti-gay state of the political landscape. Her website now averages 120,000 visitors a month (you go girl!).

Pam’s House Blend is ranked in the top 50 progressive political blogs. Michael Rogers, editor and publisher of gay blog PageOneQ.com: “Pam is certainly the most important lesbian blogger in America. She’s a lesbian in a gay blogging world that is overwhelmingly gay men. She’s a blogger as a woman in an overwhelmingly male-dominated world and she’s of color and the internet is so skewed to the privileged.” So what is not to love?

She has provided commentary on CNN during the 2008 presidential election cycle, and contributed to and participated in a gazillion progressive political forums. Let’s face it, she is seriously impressive.

Anyway, I knew that she was going to be at the conference but since I had never been, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if I would get the chance to meet her. I mean before the conference began I asked myslef: would all of the speakers be cordoned off in an exclusive green room? or would they be separated from the blogosphere minions, like me, by a velvet rope?

Imagine my surprise when I ran into Pam Spaulding exiting the exhibit hall. I am not exactly shy, so I ran up to her and said, “OMIGOD, I am one of your biggest fans! I go to your website several time a day.” And then I thought to myself, “okay, that was stupdi, Eva. Here we go…”

But she turned out to be one of the nicest, sweetest, most down to earth people that I have ever met. She was warm and supportive. When I told her about my infertility, my blog, and my adopted son, she encouraged me to keep blogging to tell my story. She said that I had an important perspective, as a lesbian, to share with the world.

“You think so?” I said in the midst of about 2400 other bloggers who also consider their stories important.

“Yes,” she replied.

And that ‘yes’, really made my day!

I told her that I wrote anonymously and that I was nervous about showing my face on my blog and she encouraged me to take my time but that it would be valuable if I could be more visible. So she empowered me to  take a picture with her to post on my site.  And  if you see any additional  pictures of me on this site, it’s thanks to Pam (thanks, Pam!)

I also asked her what strategies she used to build her site in such a competitive environment and she gave me some tips, encouragement, and an wonderful opportunity.

She encouraged me to create a diary on her site  in which I would write about infertility and adoption from a lesbian perspective and boy do I have lot of material, starting with some of my experiences  with wacky doctors ,my crazy insurance fights, and some never disclosed adoption teachable moments. She said she would promote it  (fist pumps!) So I have been reflecting on my experience , and thinking about what fresh stories I want to tell about my life as a lesiban infertile and adoptive mom. That series will start soon, so stay tuned.

At any rate, I just wanted to reiterate something that I’ve been saying for a long time about this community. The blogosphere, with all of his drawbacks, is a great place. For example, I’ve cried over the life stories of people that I’ve never met; shared information about the intimate details of my reproductive organs that I would never even share with members of my own family; and I’ve found my “voice”– something that I struggled to find for many years.

It also provides opportunities to meet incredible people.  It is always a thrill to meet a blogger, particuarly, one whose blog you’ve followed for years, who really exceeds your  in real life expectations; and that was certainly the case for me when I met Pam Spaulding.

I feel as if it has been ages and ages since I sat down and really did a ‘real’ blog post that was longer and more thoughtful than a drive by. Since Baby Jay came our way, I have been playing catch up. God added water and we became instant parents. Baby Jay is nothing but a pure blessing from heaven but he came to us so quickly that I barely had time to get the right size diapers let alone the accompanying accouterments.

 Nadia and I are just getting around to putting his nursery together—2 months after his birth– and we are slowly starting to exhale.  I still feel overwhelmed when I go into a baby store but it’s getting better and that’s thanks, in large part, to many of you.

 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 Nadia and I are completely in love with Baby Jay. We are awe struck, really.

 But in the midst of my reverie, I feel compelled to share another teachable moment. Just this weekend, Nadia and I were getting ready to go on a picnic with one of my BFFs and her son, M, who is 4. We were in a corner deli often referred to as a ‘Bodega’ here in the city, getting food and drink for the afternoon outing.

 As background, just in case you didn’t know, Nadia and I live in upper Manhattan, which is not known for being ‘gay-friendly’. On the other hand, I have never experienced any outright discrimination in my neighborhood and I know a lot (!) of queer people who here so I walk very confidently around ‘hood. I never really think about what people are thinking of me so in some ways, I am a little oblivious, but happy.

 Anyhoo, this weekend we were all standing around the Bodega counter, when older black woman said to no one in particular “whose boy is this,” referring to Baby Jay. She looked at Nadia, my BFF and me and I looked back at her  a little sheepishly and she said to me, “Oh, this is your son. You can’t deny it. He looks just like you.” And I said, “well…” and Nadia gave me a look which seemed to say “don’t.”  

 I was about to say, “Well, he’s our son” but Nadia stopped me. Why? What was she thinking? Was she thinking, like I often do, that she didn’t want to deal with any “negative reactions.” Often times, I don’t come out to people I don’t know, not because I’m ashamed of who I am, but simply because I am just tired of dealing with other people’s bull. It can be exhausting to have to defend my life, when I’m really just trying to get a sandwich, you know?

 The woman went on to say, “You can’t deny your blood. He looks just like you. And they say that’s good luck when a boy resembles his mother.” After that we paid for our sandwiches and left.

 So that whole left me with a lot of mixed feelings.

 At first, I was really at a loss for words. Part of me was secretly thrilled that she thought he looked like me. Many people have said Baby Jay and I resemble one another and there is a part of me that experiences that as a badge of honor. I wanted to give birth to my own child for so long and now I have Jay and it just thrills me on some level that he is so gorgeous and wonderful and that looks like he could be my biological son.

 However, when we left the store, I heard Nadia say to Baby Jay, “you are my son too, don’t forget that.” And I felt horrible. I said to her “are you okay?”

 And she replied, “I don’t really care about what that woman said, but I’m worried about what will happen when Baby Jay get’s older. What will happen when he understands that he is adopted and how will he feel during those kinds of exchanges?”  

 Neither one of us wants him to feel ashamed of the fact that he has two moms and, of course, we don’t want him to feel shame about his adoption, so we do need to figure out what we are going to say to folks.

 It’s tricky because people really don’t have a right to know anything about my personal life; on the other hand, I want Baby Jay to be proud of who he is.

 What would you do?

Fortnately, we didn’t hear from the birth mom yesterday so Baby Jay is officially ours! We are thrilled! The finalization process will actually take several months but for all practical purposes he is ours.

Finally, the Happy Dance for me!

When I was trying to get pregnant, I was always waiting. Waiting to start a cycle, waiting to trigger my ovulation, for insemination, waiting to do a pregnancy test, waiting for the doctor to call with lab results. It was excruciating and one of the things that I liked about getting off of the trying to conceive train (TTC) train was the fact that I wouldn’t have to do any of that crap any more.

So then, I started the adoption process and I started another wait. Instead of waiting for my body to do something, I was often waiting on someone else. First and foremost was the paper wait. i spent a lot ot time waiting for paper to be sent, filled out, filed, and approved.

Then, I launched my ad campaign and started waiting for the phone to ring! Every day, I would wait by the phone and that was a different shade of hell. It was more externalized, less personalized, and gave me a little distance from the voices in my head that beat me up when I’m under stress, but I still heard voices.

This is never going to work. You are never going to be a mom. You’ve made another mistake.

Luckily,  after three years, we finally turned a corner.

Okay, now that we have our precious Baby Jay, I feel like I am running the last leg of a marathon. I am almost there, tired, and out of breathe, but I see the finish line.

 Jay’s birth mom has until Friday to change her mind. After Friday, in the court’s mind, she would have relinquished any of her rights to Baby Jay and we will be free to more towards adoption finalization. Friday, June 18th, represents a crossing over of sorts for me and it makes this wait all the more difficult.

This time, I have the baby. I know his smile, his smell, his likes and dislikes. I am no longer living in the realm of fantasy. This is real. Jay is my son. When I hold him in my arms, when I am burping him, for example,  it couldn’t be more real. I know his cries: hungry, gassy, and tired. It would be beyond words devastating if Baby Jay’s birth mom were to call before Friday. Even though it hasn’t even been a month since I met him, I can’t even imagine my life without him. Nadia is counting down the days and has been since we brought him home. I am not and I’m not quite sure why.

I have been thinking, Friday will come and go and he will be ours. But as Friday nears, I keep thinking about what his birth mom could be going through. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? Has she thought about picking up the phone? She has our 1-800# and my email; I gave them to her. She could call me or the agency at any time. Does she have regrets? Or is she is fiendishly trying to put the whole thing behind her and move on with her life?

I guess I will never know. But what I do know is that whatever she thinks and doesn’t think, I will forever be in her debt because she gave me a perfect gift; she gave me this moment. I am Jay’s mom. The is what I have been waiting for: the here and the now with my son.

Where to start?

We met the birth mom, Martine,  yesterday and the most beautiful baby boy in the world. She was incredibly sweet, poised and loving. When we walked into the hospital room, she gave us both big hugs!

We picked up the baby a few minutes later and he is an absolute dream. I could have stayed there all afternoon just looking at him. What a site! I didn’t want to let him go.

The night before Nadia and I had a little tiff over the baby’s name because I didn’t want to be presumptuous and pick out a name before Martine surrendered him to us. Nadia, on the other hand, thought that it would be important for our bonding to pick out a name. So we did, though I was  a little pissy about it.

And I’m so glad we did. 

Martine let us name the baby for the official birth certificate. From now on, I will call him Baby Jay! We gave him a first and last name. Martine will get the official birth certificate with his first and second names as well as her last name and then we will have a new one reissued in 3 to 6 months with our last names.

How exciting!

We asked Martine how she was feeling. She looked great for someone who had just had a c-section 2 days ago. I had some pictures to show her of our family and she showed me a picture of her three year old daughter, who is absolutely gorgeous!

She asked us if we felt we were ready for this and we kind of stammered through that answer.

Nadia said, “Well, um, we wanted to be parents for  many years but…”

Martine, ” Well, I hope I am not causing too much trouble…”

 ”Not at all, ” I piped in, “we are very excited! We just have a lot to learn.”

And she smiled warmly.

If all goes well today, we will bring him home later this afternoon. I can’t believe it!

In preparation for the arrival of our little miracle, I compiled a list of your suggestions and we visited Tar.get last night.  When we got to the baby section, I thought my head would explode(!)  so we just bought the basics. There is a lot to learn. Especially for me. I’ve fantasized about being a mom for several years, but I’ve  had no ‘real time’ to plan. Needless to say, it’s all overwhelming yet very welcome!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR HELP!

Okay, so we have a bit of a situation…

I got a call this morning regarding a birth mom, who gave birth to a baby boy last night. I will write more details in a password post later. For now, I can say that we are meeting her tomorrow and it is possible that we may have a baby by the end of the week.

Needless to say, this has caught us a bit off guard. We are happy yet scared to pieces!

What should we say to her?

And, how should we prepare for a newborn?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!

I know that I haven’t blogged in a while but there is actually too much to say.

 Have you ever started to write a post and then stopped? Well, that’s happened to me about a gazillion times in the last few weeks.

 My head is on over loaded again so let’s see if I can do this justice…

 Okay, the situation with the birth mom I wrote about fell through. Thanks to all of you who took the time to read those posts and to comment and email me. I really, really appreciate it.

 I may write about that in another post at some point in the future but for now let’s just say that it was a bust and let’s move on.

 Since then Nadia and I decided to work with an agency–agency C. They already have our  home study.  And I  we filled out a whole mess of paper work, signed it, sealed it,  and it’s ready to be delivered.

 But for some reason I haven’t been able to mail the paperwork. It’s been sitting on my desk for over a week. Something about Agency C’s matching process has not been sitting well with me.

 One piece of paper stands out a part from the rest. It’s the form that lets them know what kinds of ’situations’ we are open to, i.e.: birth mom with mild drug use in first trimester, birth mom who engaged in serious drug use throughout the entire pregnancy,  birthfather with serious mental illness, or birthfather unknown, etc.

 After that paperwork is filled out, it goes into their central registry, which is accessed by their offices in several states, and the social workers match us with a birth mom based on the info in that registry. Based on that paperwork, our profile is shown to birth moms who fit our profile.  So in other words, after that paperwork is mailed, unlike all of the other agencies we’ve considered, we will never again get to weigh in on the selection of the birth mom. That paper, defines our fate, so to speak.

 And I guess I was hoping to be more involved in the process, even  after we made the shift to an agency.  Other agencies may call a prospective adoptive parent to say ” a birth mom has selected you and three other families. Here is everything we know about her. Would you like us to show her your larger profile? Would you like to move forward with her based on what we know so far?”  And, at that point, we would have the opportunity to think about it and  say, ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ I think my control issues are bubbling up again and I’m feeling very anxious about this whole adoption thing.

 As you know, I’ve been working on the transition from the ttc to adoption and damnit, I feel as if I’m made a huge amount of progress since my colossal IVF cycle failure in Nov.

 One thing I’ve thought about is how this kind of transition is cyclical, like the stages of any grieving process.

 Now, I’m at a point where I need to make the transition from fantasizing about what my biological child would look like, and all of their other genetic traits– based on my gene pool and that of my sperm donor–  to just being open to various situations, shapes, sizes and shades.

 And, let me tell you something ladies, it’s a little hard.

 One of the ironies here is that my family’s gene pool isn’t so damn great. I mean we’ve got serious mental illness, alcoholism, cancer-almost any kind you can think of, just to name a few. But, somehow, turning the entire process over to another ‘entity’ has been really getting to me.

 In the midst of my paralysis around Agency C’s paper work, I discovered another option, Agency D.

 Agency D, is a teeny tiny agency here in New York. They don’t do many placements per year. They are extremely gay friendly, and have been for 23 years. In fact, many of their board members are members of the LGBT community. They don’t have price differentials between African American or white babies and our enrollment process would be relatively quick. They also feel very strongly about allowing adoptive families to take babies home from the hospital. Out of all of the agencies we’ve considered, Agency D is most aligned in terms of values and process, with Nadia and me. The only drawback is that their census is low relative to other agencies, which could prolong our wait. Ugh!

So this week, we  have appointments with Agency C or Agency D to discuss our concerns. Hopefully, we will make a decision by the end of the week.

Over the weekend, Nadia and I previewed Off and Running: An American Coming of Age Story, a documentary film about a young African American girl who was raised by her Jewish adoptive moms, Tova and Travis.

The film is excellent.   I first heard about the film from Mother Issues  and I’m thrilled that I got to see it for myself. Not only does it do a great job of depicting the complexities involved in transracial adoption, but it also adeptly demonstrates the trials and tribulations that parents face when dealing with any young adult who is coming of age.

 Avery was adopted by Travis while she was an infant. Travis then met and married Tova, who also had an adopted son, Rafi. Tova and Travis later adopted another child, Zay-Zay. The Klein-Cloud children are African American (Avery), biracial (Samuel) and Korean (Zay-Zay). The family practices Jewish traditions, while living in Brooklyn.

The film has a warm, intimate feeling.  Shot with an intelligent and insightful eye, Off and Running does not take the easy route, by casting  anyone in the role of the villain, which I found refreshing.

When Avery turns eighteen, she feels compelled to communicate with her Texan birth mom, “K”, assisted with the help of her adoption agency. To her disappointment, she receives a rather lukewarm response from “K”.  

During this excruciatingly slow “snail mail” exchange, Avery’s adoptive moms, Tova and Travis, become frustrated with Avery. They don’t understand why their daughter feels the need to connect with her birth mom. They appear threatened and, at times, downright angry that she continues to talk about and agonize over her lack of connection to her birth mom and her four siblings.

At one point, Avery says to her birth moms, “I just want to know who I am.”

And Tova responds, “You take after me.”

During the midst of this growing conflict with her adoptive moms,  Avery begins to experience an identity crisis, which causes her to skip school, move out, risk her track career and, ultimately,  her ticket to college.

 Understandably, Avery’s adoptive moms are completely flabbergasted by her behavior; however, they don’t seem to grasp how difficult it is for Avery to not really know where she comes from.

At one point, Travis says, “It’s like something really traumatic happened to her, but I don’t think it did.” 

I think that Avery’s loss is compounded by her lack of African American role models.  One day while walking down the street, Avery says to Tova, “I want to get my hair braided.”  Tova responds, “Well Travis always braided your hair,” but it seems as if the motivation behind Avery’s desire for braids (braided extensions, really) is more significant than Avery’s moms realize.

Later in the film, Avery confides to a counselor that she doesn’t “know how to be black.”

Frankly, I don’t think that her insecurity is only due to the fact that she was raised by white Jewish lesbians because I was grew up with two Caribbean (black) parents in a white neighborhood and I remember feeling insecure about my blackness as a teenager. There is something very distinct about the African American experience that any parent of an African American child needs to acknowledge and pro-actively address.

Ultimately, the love that Avery receives from her adoptive moms, provides her with tools she needs to find her way.

I really admire the courage of everyone involved in making Off and Running, including the entire family, the film maker, Nicole Opper, and especially young Avery, who, in addition to being the central character in the film, is listed as one of the films co-authors. The film has a raw honestly, which makes it empathize with all of the characters.

I highly recommend this film. It was great to watch with Nadia because it  got us to talk about how we would deal with a transracial adoption. We also talked about how we will deal with the racial issues that are bound to emerge in our transracial, alternative, adoptive family.

Off and Running will air on POV, on PBS on September 7th along with some other documentaries on adoption:

Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy (Aug 31), about a Chinese adoption and In the Matter of Cha Jung Hi (Sep 14), which deals with Korean adoption.

Check out the POV website for more details. And I will post another update closer to the viewing date.

This was also posted today at “Two Brides, One Adoption Story”, my new blog at the Adoptive Families Circle (AFC).  I will post there once a week.

*****

Mom was born in the Caribbean during the Great Depression. She loved the pomp and circumstance of weddings, celebrating the birth of babies, and dancing to Calypso. Mom loved life.

I am, Eva, my mother’s daughter.

But, to the naked eye, we seem very different. First and foremost, Mom could pass for white. I can’t. I am identifiably black. Mom was straight, married to dad for over 25 years and I’m not. About 10 years ago, I fell madly in love with Nadia and, after a seven-year courtship, we eloped to Canada–no pomp and circumstance for me.

Mom was fertile and I’m not. She gave birth to three kids, while, for three years, I struggled with infertility. That hell ended last year with one final, abysmal in vitro cycle.

Mom never told me that growing up could bring so much heartache but maybe she ran out of time. We lost her to breast cancer more than 16 years ago, when I was in my early 20s.

What Mom did tell me was how much she absolutely loved being a mother. She said that giving birth to me and my brothers was the greatest experience of her life, and she prayed that I would be able to experience that one day. Unfortunately, giving birth wasn’t in my stars, but I know that I will love being a mom, just like she did. I’ve dreamt about it for many years and I’m thrilled to have the chance to become a mother through domestic infant adoption.

My wife, Nadia, is South American with a heart made of gold. When we met, it was practically love at first site. She loves kids of all ages and can’t wait to be a mom. She’s my soul mate. Unlike me, she never wanted to give birth. This difference caused some tension between us, but it also made our marriage stronger. Because we are a same-sex couple in a transracial relationship, the adoption professionals have made it clear that, in their vernacular, we are considered an “alternative family.”

But this is not my first experience being in an “alternative family.”

Dad was visibly black and, as I said before, Mom could pass. Given the racial realities back in the 70s,  when I grew up, we were alternative, too. Our neighborhood was overtly hostile to black or “mixed” families. It was tough going on many occasions and there were times when we were called derogatory names or physically threatened.

When something like that did happened, we would always go to Mom. She had a way of making us feel better no matter what was going on. Looking back on it now, I realize that she carried many of our fears and anxieties inside of her and her resolve still carries me through the hard times, even to this day. I hear her  voice sometimes, telling me I can overcome anything. I hope to be that kind of mom to my kids.

Throughout my childhood, one thing I learned from Mom was to never give up on a dream.  Her uncompromising spirit served to anchor us inside the home, no matter what was going on outside. The  lessons that I learned from her  have carried me through many challenges, and I know I will draw on those lessons as we wait to adopt an infant through domestic adoption. We’ve submitted all of our paperwork to the court, put the finishing touches on our adoption profile, and we were recently certified by the court. Nadia and I have crossed over to the “expecting” category and “the wait” has officially begun.

So this post is dedicated to Mom, but also to the little one waiting in the wings, who will one day grace our home. I’ve dreamt of you, “Little Wing,” for so long and Nadia and I can’t wait to meet you, adopt you, and bring you home.