The Egg Drop Post

I’m baaack! after a little hiatus. The time off was good. I needed a break. I felt that I was really at the precipice of something and I needed to pull back. I skipped one cycle after the Tougher than Tina Cycle went bust. I took some time to regroup.

If it meant to be who are you to change it? It’s time to believe it.

Nadia sent me a bouquet of you can do it flowers, so I am feeling much better today.

Besides, I had my first visit with my new acupuncturist today and she seemed to know the ins and outs of the in/fertility treatment world here in New York City.

I liked her because she was unassuming yet informed. I don’t ever see her mixing up IVF with IUI like my former acu. In fact when I told her that my former acu used to get confused, she seemed appalled. She has a calming way about her.

I feel like I can do this.

So I took a cue from Creating Motherhood today and asked the same question of the Universe via The Glastonbury Tarot . I asked whether or not I would get pregnant in December. I was never one to temp fate, but I was inspired to take the plunge today.

The results were surprisingly positive. I don’t really know how to interpret a tarot card reading but the highlights include:

THE CHARIOT symbolizes the ability for you exercise control by focusing on what you want in your life. There is a sense of increasing confidence, and this will attract success into your life. The Chariot indicates positive change.

NINE OF SWORDS indicates that it is time to allow yourself to grieve for what has been lost in the past. Through this, healing can be facilitated. It is important that you receive any support that is offered to you.

The final card, the card that represents the outcome, was the best:

TWO OF STAFFS - The Gateway. You are standing on the threshold of new experience. Give thanks for what you have learned, and for any gifts which have transpired from that. You can then move towards the new opportunities which are being offered.

So I took this as a good sign.

In other news, I think I am going to take a break from the flaky acupuncturist that I have been seeing since August. Not only was I annoyed when he asked me why I was in a rush to get pregnant, he doesn’t seem to remember the specifics of my case. Our interactions go something like this…

Flakey: You were on Lupron before your surgery, right?

Lupron is a drug used to shrink large fibroids before a myomectomy.

Me: Remember, I told you that fibroids were so small that I did not need to take it?

Flakey: Oh, oh, okay.

Also, he keeps talking to me about my imaginary IVF treatments.

Flakey: So, when are you going to start your next round of IVF?

Me: No, remember, I am not doing IVF but injectable IUI cycles?

Dr. Flakey: Oh, oh, that’s the same thing.

No, actually it’s not! Can’t he at least read my chart before he calls me into his office and pretend to understand what is going on with my Qi!?!

So, yesterday I got a recommendation for a new accupuncturist from Thwarted Repeatedly and I called immediately. I explained that I was looking for someone to help me recover from surgery and with fertility treatments. I also told the new accupuncturist that I would probably start an injectible in December and she immediately said, “Oh, so you are doing injectible IUI cycles?”

And at that moment, I knew that all was right in the Universe.

I feel down right now but not completey out. My RE told me today that he strongly recommends surgery to remove my fibroids. He basically said that they could affect my fertility and that they could increase my chance of miscarriage. And of course no one wants that. Dr Feelgood said that it wasn’t so much the size of the fibroids but their location; I have two grape-sized fibroids lodged in the muscles of my uterus.

I am not a happy camper right now but my RE seems to think that this procedure ill increase my chances of getting pregnant and giving birth.The surgery is cheduled for mid-October. The recovery time is 2 to 4 weeks. I have to wait three cycles until I can TTC again.

So we are looking at an October birth, if everything works out.

I know this is a bit corny, but as a child I really loved Orphan Annie. “Tomorrow” was also one of my favorite songs when I was around 8 or 9 years old. I think it was the first Broadway play my Mom took me to and the memory has stuck with me all of these years.

This week I indulged in a bit of a pity party but today I picked myself up off of the floor.

Tomorrow, I am going to see an acupuncturist about my fibroid/fertility issues. And I am actually excited. My hope is that this acupuncturist will be able to work with dr. feelgood, my fertility specialist, and that the three of us (plus Nadia, of course) will be able to make a baby.

Next week I meet with my RE to find out if I need surgery to remove my fibroid or not.

Wish me luck!

I have been trying to figure out how my mom would feel about my adventures with bio-tech aka “freaky science” . My mother died of breast cancer 15 years ago and some might say that her death was a result of a profound distrust of “freaky science.”

When my mother first discovered a pink discoloration on her left breast, she really thought nothing of it. She did eventually go to her dr who really did not seem alarmed. But the pink spot kept growing.

Eventually, my aunt, who is a nurse, caught glimpse of it in a department store dressing room and ordered my mom to get a biopsy. When she learned that she had to consent to a mastectomy if the area proved cancerous, she refused.

After months of searching, she found a doctor who would do a hairline biopsy. After the test was done, she was told that she had cancer and that he needed a mastectomy and high doses of chemotherapy.

She refused.

She refused to have her breast removed and she refused chemo. Even though I provided her with stats, articles, and support group information, she refused. She had seen an uncle shrivel and die due to chemotherapy. And she swore to herself that she would not be another chemo casualty. Instead she chose to consult a traditional medicine woman from ‘back home’ in the Caribbean who suggested an herb regimen.

When those treatments didn’t work, Mom tried Dr. Akins’ alternative cancer therapies which were expensive and also ineffective. Eventually, as the cancer grew, she tried radiation and finally, she consented to light doses of chemotherapy. But it was too late.

About two years after spotting the breast discoloration, she succumbed to cancer. And throughout the whole ordeal I was very angry with her choices, but I understood that she had a contempt for western medicine, which is not uncommon in black or immigrant communities.

In fact, I hold that contempt whenever I go to the doctor, get a prescription filled or hear about anyone’s surgery. Let’s face it, medicine in this country is big business and we have heard stories about the casualties of the medical industrial complex. Immigrants and blacks have a history of being used as guinea pigs in this country, so I think it makes sense to be a little paranoid. Additionally, I have also heard first hand stories about the wonders of herbalists, so I get it.

But I still get angry when I think about how she died. I still get angry when I think about how she could have made different choices and lived longer. And, most importantly, I still miss her every single day.

The circumstances around my mother’s death serve as the back drop to my story. Nadia may or may not completely understand the depth of my conflict with bio-tech aka “freaky science”. I definitely feel ambivalent about all of this medication I’m on. On the one hand, I feel self-indulgent and spoiled. On the other hand, I feel like this is my only shot (no pun intented).This is my only road to conception, pregnancy and birth. And I really want to have that biological connection to my child and to my mom.

So even though I know my mom would be completely repelled by the whole egg drop drama, I am convinced that she would be psyched for me to give birth.

And I think that that’s what keeps me going.

Six months ago, some of my family members googled me and discovered I was a lesbian. They then began to have a global internet discussion about me without my knowledge. The conversation lasted for several months, spanning several countries from the Caribbean, United States, Canada and, possibily, England. One of my aunts told me about it recently Since then I have had a few brief discussions with some of them about their shame and complete and total disappointment in my “lifestyle”.

Even though I am taking time off from ‘the process’, I still think about it all of the time. What would it be like for me to have a baby? Can I handle it? Do I have the patience? Will I have the money? Will I have the support of friends and family? Will my child feel loved?

It is strange to think that I am 37 years old and yet I feel like a child. On days like today, I feel as if I’ve made many mistakes; taken so many bad turns; let many loved ones slip out of my orbit.

What kind of role model will I be for my child?

And am I making another bad decision?

I feel guilty, for example, that I am a lesbian using a sperm donor. I can hear my grandmother telling me how unnatural it is, “that is just unGodly,” she would say. It’s not just that I am going to a fertility specialist, for Grandmum it is the idea that two women would have the hubris to think that they could raise a normal, healthy, child.

And yet,in my heart of hearts, as a Christian I don’t believe that there is only one truth and that there is only one path. I don’t believe my life is wrong, just out of sync with what the majority thinks it should be.

But my opposition could be a good thing. When I think of Jesus Christ and his opposition to the norms of the day, I am inspired to let my light shine in the only way I know how.

I want to pass on the love I received from my grandmother, aunts and mother to my child, so that the circle of life continues on. I believe that in queering the norms of the day, we create a universe for all God’s children.