Mommies Here!

Today is the 10th anniversary of my 29th birthday. Well, okay, so I turn 39 today. As painful as it is to write in some ways, it is also quite an accomplishment.

I remember when I turned 29. It was a tumultuous time in my life. I was coming out and breaking up with my boyfriend of six years. At one point I thougtht I was going to marry him and six years into it I had no job or place to live at 29. I didn’t know what my thirties would bring and I was scared sh*tless. I sort of feel like that now, although I have so much more going for me now than I did then.

I met Nadia a few days before I turned 30 and it has made all of the difference in my life. I navigated my thirties with such a wonderful, loving partner, the years just flew right by. Now I’m approaching 40 and trying to make a little one. Speaking of the TTC..

 I had an FSH test last week and I almost chewed my nails off waiting for the results. I had some how  convinced myself that I was pre-menopausal ( I think because of the looming birthday) and that my chances of getting pregnant were zero to none. So I waited and waited and waited for the test results–two whole days! I couldn’t even write about it because I was so nervous, flittering between denial and despair. Well, anyhoo, I got the results back and my FSH is 5.9. Yes, you and and Nadia know full well, I can be a bit neurotic and crazy. That is a perfectly fine fsh level.

My other big test was an HSG test to see if my tubes were blocked. My doctor was convinced that my tubes were blocked because of my fibroid surgery and we both thought that would help with my insurance appeal. So I had that test yesterday. And, in sharp contrast, I was cool as a cucumber. Well, I failed that test miserably. LOL

Turns out my tubes are in perfect shape! I could have skipped the entire ordeal. Anyway, I will submit my appeal either today (not likely since it’s my birthday) or tomorrow to my insurance company and the state’s insurance commissioner. So far the letter has a lot of anti-discrimination language and it chronicles the entire sordid tale. I’ll find out the verdict three weeks after I submit.

But regardless of their decision Nadia and I will move forward with my pre-IVF estrogen priming cycle by the end of this month. I don’t want to put this off any longer even if I have to pay for it. Ouch! Even though I’m nervous and scared about getting old. I feel as if I’m approaching a new dawn. I’ll become a mother in this decade one way or the other.

I’ve been pinching myself ever since I got a wonderful surprise from Kymberli over at I Am A Smart One! A few weeks ago, I asked her how she keeps it all together. I was feeling like crap and unsure about my future. This about a weak after I heard the news about Nadia’s cancer.

If you read her blog, you know that she’s been through a lot herself–infertilty, a beloved husband with MS, and now the ups and down of surrogacy– but she always seems so upbeat, friendly, and, well, you know, so damn smart! So one day, I just had to ask,  “girl, how do you do it?”

To be brutally hontest when I first discovered her blog, I didn’t fully understand why she needed the cape  but once I got to reading,  and discovered her wit and good humor in spite of it all, I started craving her mojo. I wanted a cape for myself.

Thankfully for me, my timid inquiry about her strength,  and her cape, inspired The Red Cape Award. I’m so very honored to have this distinction. I’ve been walking on air since I heard the news.

Anyhoo, I have to hand out some Hero Awards of my own, which I will do, as soon as I return back to earth. Thanks again, Kym, you really made me smile, and you will never really know much I really needed that.

As many of you know, Louise Brown, the first test-tub baby, turns 30 today. Even though I was only eight when she was born, I remember the controversy. My  mother, a deeply religious woman who had three children of her own the old-fashioned way, was a bit shocked. She thought it was unnatural and that it messed with the natural order of things. At the same time, she understood how heart breaking it would be for a woman who could not get pregnant naturally. She loved being a mom.

I also remember watching a Phil Donahue show on test tub babies, where many in the audience expressed their outrage about the use of such complex technology to aid conception. I didn’t know what to make of it because I was so young. I barely understood human anatomy and reproduction, let alone the contraversy around egg retrival and in-vitro, but nevertheless, Louise’s birth story it did leave an impression on me.

Today, as you know, many of the issues and ethical questions remain the same but I’m not going to go into all of that here. Personally, I’m still in shock about the fact that I’m close to starting my own IVF cycle (1 month, 1 week, and 5 days, but whose counting?). Even though, I’ve done medicated IUI cycles before, IVF strikes me as the final frontier.  The procedures are more invasive and there are more medications involved, not to mention needles and the price tag. I never imagined I would be here. I’m scared.

But I keep reminding myself that 3 million IVF babies have been born since Louise, 500,000 of which were born in the USA.   If I am not mistaken, at 38 I have a 40% chance of success per cycle. And I guess that’s something to celebrate.

Happy Turkey Day!

I am doing the Happy Dance for oneofhismoms who is now pregnant. If you hve not done so already, please visit her blog and show her some love. She was one of the first TTC blogs that I discovered and she introduced me to a whole new universe.Thanks for your early support, oneofhismoms. And Congratulations!