Mommies Here!

Over the weekend, Nadia and I previewed Off and Running: An American Coming of Age Story, a documentary film about a young African American girl who was raised by her Jewish adoptive moms, Tova and Travis.

The film is excellent.   I first heard about the film from Mother Issues  and I’m thrilled that I got to see it for myself. Not only does it do a great job of depicting the complexities involved in transracial adoption, but it also adeptly demonstrates the trials and tribulations that parents face when dealing with any young adult who is coming of age.

 Avery was adopted by Travis while she was an infant. Travis then met and married Tova, who also had an adopted son, Rafi. Tova and Travis later adopted another child, Zay-Zay. The Klein-Cloud children are African American (Avery), biracial (Samuel) and Korean (Zay-Zay). The family practices Jewish traditions, while living in Brooklyn.

The film has a warm, intimate feeling.  Shot with an intelligent and insightful eye, Off and Running does not take the easy route, by casting  anyone in the role of the villain, which I found refreshing.

When Avery turns eighteen, she feels compelled to communicate with her Texan birth mom, “K”, assisted with the help of her adoption agency. To her disappointment, she receives a rather lukewarm response from “K”.  

During this excruciatingly slow “snail mail” exchange, Avery’s adoptive moms, Tova and Travis, become frustrated with Avery. They don’t understand why their daughter feels the need to connect with her birth mom. They appear threatened and, at times, downright angry that she continues to talk about and agonize over her lack of connection to her birth mom and her four siblings.

At one point, Avery says to her birth moms, “I just want to know who I am.”

And Tova responds, “You take after me.”

During the midst of this growing conflict with her adoptive moms,  Avery begins to experience an identity crisis, which causes her to skip school, move out, risk her track career and, ultimately,  her ticket to college.

 Understandably, Avery’s adoptive moms are completely flabbergasted by her behavior; however, they don’t seem to grasp how difficult it is for Avery to not really know where she comes from.

At one point, Travis says, “It’s like something really traumatic happened to her, but I don’t think it did.” 

I think that Avery’s loss is compounded by her lack of African American role models.  One day while walking down the street, Avery says to Tova, “I want to get my hair braided.”  Tova responds, “Well Travis always braided your hair,” but it seems as if the motivation behind Avery’s desire for braids (braided extensions, really) is more significant than Avery’s moms realize.

Later in the film, Avery confides to a counselor that she doesn’t “know how to be black.”

Frankly, I don’t think that her insecurity is only due to the fact that she was raised by white Jewish lesbians because I was grew up with two Caribbean (black) parents in a white neighborhood and I remember feeling insecure about my blackness as a teenager. There is something very distinct about the African American experience that any parent of an African American child needs to acknowledge and pro-actively address.

Ultimately, the love that Avery receives from her adoptive moms, provides her with tools she needs to find her way.

I really admire the courage of everyone involved in making Off and Running, including the entire family, the film maker, Nicole Opper, and especially young Avery, who, in addition to being the central character in the film, is listed as one of the films co-authors. The film has a raw honestly, which makes it empathize with all of the characters.

I highly recommend this film. It was great to watch with Nadia because it  got us to talk about how we would deal with a transracial adoption. We also talked about how we will deal with the racial issues that are bound to emerge in our transracial, alternative, adoptive family.

Off and Running will air on POV, on PBS on September 7th along with some other documentaries on adoption:

Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy (Aug 31), about a Chinese adoption and In the Matter of Cha Jung Hi (Sep 14), which deals with Korean adoption.

Check out the POV website for more details. And I will post another update closer to the viewing date.

This was also posted today at “Two Brides, One Adoption Story”, my new blog at the Adoptive Families Circle (AFC).  I will post there once a week.

*****

Mom was born in the Caribbean during the Great Depression. She loved the pomp and circumstance of weddings, celebrating the birth of babies, and dancing to Calypso. Mom loved life.

I am, Eva, my mother’s daughter.

But, to the naked eye, we seem very different. First and foremost, Mom could pass for white. I can’t. I am identifiably black. Mom was straight, married to dad for over 25 years and I’m not. About 10 years ago, I fell madly in love with Nadia and, after a seven-year courtship, we eloped to Canada–no pomp and circumstance for me.

Mom was fertile and I’m not. She gave birth to three kids, while, for three years, I struggled with infertility. That hell ended last year with one final, abysmal in vitro cycle.

Mom never told me that growing up could bring so much heartache but maybe she ran out of time. We lost her to breast cancer more than 16 years ago, when I was in my early 20s.

What Mom did tell me was how much she absolutely loved being a mother. She said that giving birth to me and my brothers was the greatest experience of her life, and she prayed that I would be able to experience that one day. Unfortunately, giving birth wasn’t in my stars, but I know that I will love being a mom, just like she did. I’ve dreamt about it for many years and I’m thrilled to have the chance to become a mother through domestic infant adoption.

My wife, Nadia, is South American with a heart made of gold. When we met, it was practically love at first site. She loves kids of all ages and can’t wait to be a mom. She’s my soul mate. Unlike me, she never wanted to give birth. This difference caused some tension between us, but it also made our marriage stronger. Because we are a same-sex couple in a transracial relationship, the adoption professionals have made it clear that, in their vernacular, we are considered an “alternative family.”

But this is not my first experience being in an “alternative family.”

Dad was visibly black and, as I said before, Mom could pass. Given the racial realities back in the 70s,  when I grew up, we were alternative, too. Our neighborhood was overtly hostile to black or “mixed” families. It was tough going on many occasions and there were times when we were called derogatory names or physically threatened.

When something like that did happened, we would always go to Mom. She had a way of making us feel better no matter what was going on. Looking back on it now, I realize that she carried many of our fears and anxieties inside of her and her resolve still carries me through the hard times, even to this day. I hear her  voice sometimes, telling me I can overcome anything. I hope to be that kind of mom to my kids.

Throughout my childhood, one thing I learned from Mom was to never give up on a dream.  Her uncompromising spirit served to anchor us inside the home, no matter what was going on outside. The  lessons that I learned from her  have carried me through many challenges, and I know I will draw on those lessons as we wait to adopt an infant through domestic adoption. We’ve submitted all of our paperwork to the court, put the finishing touches on our adoption profile, and we were recently certified by the court. Nadia and I have crossed over to the “expecting” category and “the wait” has officially begun.

So this post is dedicated to Mom, but also to the little one waiting in the wings, who will one day grace our home. I’ve dreamt of you, “Little Wing,” for so long and Nadia and I can’t wait to meet you, adopt you, and bring you home.

When we started the adoption process last year after my last IVF failure, Nadia and I thought that working with a private attorney would be our best option. We would be able to interview birth moms and make an informed and empowering decision, while saving on agency fees. Unfortunately, things haven’t turned out exactly as we thought they would.

We are currently speaking with a birth mom but we’re unsure if that situation will work out. I was feeling anxious about things so I talked Nadia into attending an adoption agency orientation this past weekend.

This is the second one I’ve been to. All of the agencies I’ve “interviewed” present  unique challenges. First, and foremost, we need to work with an agency that is more than just tolerant of gay families. Some agencies will accept an application from a gay or lesbian couple but they may not show our profile to a birth mom. So, when I was doing research last year, I identified three agencies that would pro-actively work with us: Agency A, Agency B, and Agency C.

Agency A was recommended by my lawyer, Britney. They have a good reputation with lesbian and gay adoption and they are one of the leaders of the open adoption movement. Open adoption is now an industry standard  but Agency A  was at the forefront of the movement. Needless to say,  I was really excited to call them. When I called, I explained to them that my partner and I were interested in adoption and that I wanted to know about their process. The social worker responded with, “I’m sorry but we’ve reached our quota for gay couples.”

 I was a little shocked.

“Your quota?” I responded.

“Yes, she replied,” we’ve found that it’s not good for us or you, for that matter, to have more than a certain number of gay couples on our books for too long. If you are interested in working with us, I can take down your information and get back to you in about six months.”

 ”No thanks, I replied.”

When I  told my lawyer, Britney, about the exchange,  she said, “Well, we have spoken to them about that policy in the past, but the fact of the matter is that they have certain business realities that we just need to accept.  The fact that you are African American and Nadia is Latina may make a difference, though.”

Nadia and I decided to pass on that agency.

Agency B had an orientation for their African American and Latino program right here in the Big Apple. The room was packed with about 100 people and the energy in the room was really charged. The presenters were nice, but they laid out ‘their philosophy,” which included extensive paperwork and mandatory onsite meetings with our  ’cohort’, which I think I could deal with. One of their rules, though, turned out to be deal breaker for both me and Nadia.

Agency B does not allow adoptive families to take the baby directly home from the hospital. After the baby is born she lives with a temporary family for about six weeks. The adoptive family is not allowed to see the baby during that time. They were very adamant about not even sharing any pictures before placement. Once the parental rights are terminated, the adoptive  parents meet the baby, knowing that the baby is theirs forever.

Nadia is completely against this. When I explained their policy to her, she said, “No way!”  If possible, we would both like to be present when the baby is born and, we would like to take the baby home from the hospital. We know that we may not have any control in the matter because babies come when they come, but we don’t want to work with an agency with a policy that won’t allow us to be there for the baby’s birth under any circumstances.

Since the orientation, Agency B has had adoptive parents  call us,  encouraging us to apply but Nadia is adamant about not working with them.   So we moved on.

Both agency A and B would cost us about the same price. Agency C is a different story…

Nadia and I drove two and half hours this weekend to go to Agency  C’s orientation. Last year, we met the agency’s social worker at the Adoption Conference held here in New York City and  we really liked her a lot. They also do a lot of outreach to gay and lesbian couples and families, which we really appreciate.

Nadia and I were a little late because we got lost on the way there, but we weren’t too late. When we arrived, we joined about 20 people. The social worker was talking about home studies, going over the basics:

“No we don’t do white glove inspections.

No we don’t look in your kitchen cabinets.

Yes, you can have pets.

Yes, you can have guns in your home but you need to show us your gun license.”

I sort of tuned her out, because we had already completed our home study and, in fact, we’ve have been certified by the  state of New York, so I had a little bit of a “I’m at the head of the class attitude” but I quickly got over that. There’s always something to learn.

This agency is based in six states: Connecticut, Virginia, New Jersey, Delaware and  good ‘ol New York, so the proximity is awesome. We can drive to meet the birth mom. This agency does allow adoptive parents to bring babies home from the hospital and that makes us very, very happy.  So, we can drive to the hospital to pick up the baby and drive the baby home. No trains, planes or road trips with this option!

Every year they have an annual picnic to bring together birth families and adoptive families together, and Nadia and I really like that. We see this as a great opportunity to connect with birth parents and to have a community of adoptive parents and children we can socialize with on a regular basis.

We love the social worker, we love the proximity, we love their outreach to gay and lesbian couples, we love their policy on open adoption, we love the fact that they would let us bring the baby home from the hospital.

So, what’s their problem?

One thing that I have issues with is the African American/Biracial program has a unique fee schedule. It differs from their  White/Hispanic program by about $6000. It will cost us $6000 less to adopt an African American or biracial baby than it would cost my white counterpart to adopt a white or Hispanic baby.

This is something that really bothers me because it seems to put a different value on the lives of African American and Biracial children. Nadia and I have been talking about this for months. And we’ve looked at it from different angles. And I’ve decided that of all of the three agencies that seem open to gay adoption, this one fits the best.

The good news is that if we do go with them, we can jump right in. They will accept our home study and our profile, so we can be listed on their books in a relatively short period of time.

We are waiting and closely watching our current birth mom situation and if that falls through, we will probably sign up with agency C.

Okay, so I feel down the rabbit hole last week and I apologize. Right after my book club post,  Nadia and I were contacted by a birth mom and that has taken a lot of my energy and attention.

I will write more about it later this week but those posts will be password protected.

Let me know if you want the password.

Thanks for hanging with me.

xo

 I was minding my own business on Friday night when I received a provocative email.

The subject line said, “Possible Situation” and when I saw  that the email was from my attorney, Britney, my heart skipped a beat.

Could this be it?

My hands were shaking as I opened.  This is what it said:

“Eva, take a look at the email below and let me know if you are interested.

Adoptive Family Wanted

• African American or Bi-racial family desired for a baby girl
• Single Mother or female same-sex couple acceptable.
• Christian (“God-believers”)
• Birthmother: AA, ,19 y/o– college student
• Birthfather:  AA, 24 y/o — 12th grade drop-out
• Good, early pre-natal care/ Insurance coverage
• Birthmother denies alcohol, drugs, history of anxiety disorders and asthma.
• Birthmother is receiving professional counseling.
• Birthparents are related.
• Family supports placement. 

Interested parties to send profiles by Feb. 2″

Okay, well, I saw some questionable elements in the profile, but I  immediately reached for the phone to call Nadia anyway. Her phone rang for a few minutes and then went to voice mail.  I, then, decided to text her, just in case, she was in a meeting and able to respond quickly but I didn’t hear back from her for at least 15 minutes.

So I decided to call my attorney. I was feeling a little apprehensive about the situation but  since it was Friday at 7PM, I thought it would be best to  get as much information as possible  before we started the weekend.  

When I called my attorney, she sounded really rushed. She has caller ID so she knew it was me, ” “Hi! I only have a few minutes, but did you get my email?”

“Okay, well,” I said, “I just wanted to ask you about that. I wanted to know if you had any more information about the birth parents relationship and…?

Britney cut me off.

“Well, if you are interested, we need to send the profiles to the attorney by February 2nd.

Well, that’s just it, the profiles says, February 2nd, but it’s March 26th, Britney.

“OMIGOD, OMIGOD, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” she stammered. “That was an old email and I really should not have sent that to you, but don’t worry, your baby is out there.”

“That’s okay, ” I said, a  little shell-shocked.

I hung up the phone, feeling relieved, sad, and a slightly pissed.

 This week, Nadia and I will enter into a sort of “extended two week wait.” All of our paperwork has been submitted to the courts, which means that we are free to begin advertising and networking. Last week, we received a copy of our homestudy, which was glowing. What a relief!

Tomorrow, I will send ‘final’ versions of our profile book to our attorney for one final review. This will be the document that the potential birth moms will sift through, among hundreds of others, so that she can decide whether or not she would like to meet us. Utlimately, she’s the one who decides if she will pick us or not.

 The back and forth of the editing process between me and our lawyers  hasn’t been too bad but I’m glad I see a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard to figure out what to say about yourself and it’s hard to figure out what picture to include in a profile of your life.  I mean it’s another round of: Does that picture make me look fat? too old? too young? bored? in love enough? etc. In other words, it’s another marketing project and it’s a little weird to ’sell yourself to a birthmom,’ but I haven’t allowed myself to analyze it too much. Anyway, another wait will soon begin.

Yet, this is not the kind of wait I’m used to. When I was actively trying to get pregnant, it was about monitoring every bodily twinge and all of my anxiety revolved around my bodily functions. This is different. This revolves around networking with other people and getting hand picked by someone else, so my anxiety is externalized in some ways, but it’s still there.

She’s baaaaaaaaaaack!

I’m scared.  Of course, I’m scared. Once Nadia and I put ourselves out there, who knows what we’ll get back?  Yes, I know, I know, it’s important to stay positive, but let’s face it, I’ve been waiting for a baby for a loooong time. I could see a lot of my feelings of inadequacy popping up if it begins to feel as if we are “waiting forever.”

On the other hand, I gotta say that the adoption process has been so much more user-friendly than the TTC process ever was, at least for me, anyway. I’ve felt support and love from everyone I’ve met, ranging from pre-adoptive parents, to adopted children, to parents, to lawyers and other professionals.  Oh, I still have flash backs about the fertilty clinics and those insensitive doctors. Of course, there have only been a few a-holes in the adoption mix, but that’s to be expected. Overall, it’s been nothing like my TTC hell.

Anyway, here I go again! But, this time, I hope it will be more fruitful.

Please read this post until the end to get a gold star.

Generally, I stay away from politics. I don’t think that I’ve ever written an overtly political blog post, except the one time I went off on the United States healthcare system in the midst of my personal health care crisis but that was more of a rant than a call to action.

This week’s teachable moment is a cry for help because it’s about the projected ‘sunset’ of the federal adoption tax credit.

I know it sounds like an incredibly boring topic because anything with the word ‘tax’ in it is generally an invitation to start a snooze fest—at least for me– but if I haven’t lost you yet, I beg you to read on just a little bit further. I promise to keep this short.

The Federal Adoption Tax credit is $12,150 but the tax credit is set to sunset in December 2010 unless Congress votes to continue it.

 The reason why this concerns me is because adopting an infant can cost up to $30,000 (Yikes! )I mean, hopefully it won’t but I never thought I was spend as much as I did on fertility treatments, but I digress… This tax credit would give Nadia and I some relief and, hopefully, we will adopt by the end of the year and will be set.

But what if we don’t?

Given the small fortune that we spent on fertility treatments over the past three years, the idea that we could get some relief during the next leg of our journey has really kept me going. And then on the other hand, even if we do adopt and we get the tax credit what about all the men and women out there who are still in TTC hell and decide next year that they want to adopt. What then? Or what about the people who don’t even bother with the TTC and just decide next year  that they really, really want to adopt?  What about those people? Huh?

I mean, I hope that the Federal Government will realize that helping kids find permanent homes is a good thing and that they will automatically extend the tax credit. I wish I could say that this is a no brainer and that I don’t have anything to worry about but given the fact that the folks in Washington (no matter how much I may love some of them) can’t seem to get anything right this days, I don’t have a lot of faith.

I know this may sound a little cliche but it only takes a few minutes to write, call, or email your representatives. Please consider it.

Email Representative: https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml

Email Senator: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

And please, don’t take more word for it. If you want more info, please click here.

Okay, here’s your gold start. You made it to the end. You deserve it. xo

Okay, so I have another teachable moment to share this week.

Last week, I met with a dear friend who is fully up to date our adoption plans. She is someone who has been with me throughout every stage of this journey. While we were having coffee, she mentioned to me that she recently heard about several adoption reversals and that those stories made her worry about me.

Now, I know that adoption reversals are a very real fact of the adoption process. Many people have shared stories with me about birth moms who changed their minds about giving up their newborns. In most of the cases I’ve heard first hand, these adoptions were reversed before the adoptive families met the babies because they were pre-birth situations.

My friend, however, insisted that she saw some show (she couldn’t remember which talk show it was because they all seem to be the same) that this is a very real phenomenon and that I should be really, really cautious about the whole thing. She was referring to situations where the pre-adoptive parents had had a chance to take the baby home and spend several weeks with the kid only to learn that the birth mom wanted the baby back. And I know that those things do happen. I’m sure that it is absolutely heart-breaking, but given my friend’s advice, I wanted to get a sense some more information before I launch into hysteria mode.

So this week, I visited a leading adoption website. adopting.org and I learned a few things. According to this site, the vast majority, between 80 and 90%, of all adoptions are successful. However, when an adoption ends before it has been legally finalized in a courtroom, it is called a “disruption.”  

I also learned that “less than 1% of infant adoption are disrupted” but the older a child is, the higher the disruption rate can be, according to National Adoption Information Clearinghouse disruption rates can range from 3 to 53 percent.” Yikes!

I think that those stats, particularly the 53%, are horrible. And I can’t imagine being in that situation and I hope I won’t ever have to. But I also think that there is a lot of misinformation about adoption, promoted by the media, which winds up creating this air of suspicion about adoption and that pisses me off.

I don’t know. I’m still pretty green in this process. I am just trying to maintain my balance. And I desperately  need a balanced view of the adoption journey. These weekly columns help me  figure out where that balance is.