Fortnately, we didn’t hear from the birth mom yesterday so Baby Jay is officially ours! We are thrilled! The finalization process will actually take several months but for all practical purposes he is ours.
Finally, the Happy Dance for me!
When I was trying to get pregnant, I was always waiting. Waiting to start a cycle, waiting to trigger my ovulation, for insemination, waiting to do a pregnancy test, waiting for the doctor to call with lab results. It was excruciating and one of the things that I liked about getting off of the trying to conceive train (TTC) train was the fact that I wouldn’t have to do any of that crap any more.
So then, I started the adoption process and I started another wait. Instead of waiting for my body to do something, I was often waiting on someone else. First and foremost was the paper wait. i spent a lot ot time waiting for paper to be sent, filled out, filed, and approved.
Then, I launched my ad campaign and started waiting for the phone to ring! Every day, I would wait by the phone and that was a different shade of hell. It was more externalized, less personalized, and gave me a little distance from the voices in my head that beat me up when I’m under stress, but I still heard voices.
This is never going to work. You are never going to be a mom. You’ve made another mistake.
Luckily, after three years, we finally turned a corner.
Okay, now that we have our precious Baby Jay, I feel like I am running the last leg of a marathon. I am almost there, tired, and out of breathe, but I see the finish line.
Jay’s birth mom has until Friday to change her mind. After Friday, in the court’s mind, she would have relinquished any of her rights to Baby Jay and we will be free to more towards adoption finalization. Friday, June 18th, represents a crossing over of sorts for me and it makes this wait all the more difficult.
This time, I have the baby. I know his smile, his smell, his likes and dislikes. I am no longer living in the realm of fantasy. This is real. Jay is my son. When I hold him in my arms, when I am burping him, for example, it couldn’t be more real. I know his cries: hungry, gassy, and tired. It would be beyond words devastating if Baby Jay’s birth mom were to call before Friday. Even though it hasn’t even been a month since I met him, I can’t even imagine my life without him. Nadia is counting down the days and has been since we brought him home. I am not and I’m not quite sure why.
I have been thinking, Friday will come and go and he will be ours. But as Friday nears, I keep thinking about what his birth mom could be going through. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? Has she thought about picking up the phone? She has our 1-800# and my email; I gave them to her. She could call me or the agency at any time. Does she have regrets? Or is she is fiendishly trying to put the whole thing behind her and move on with her life?
I guess I will never know. But what I do know is that whatever she thinks and doesn’t think, I will forever be in her debt because she gave me a perfect gift; she gave me this moment. I am Jay’s mom. The is what I have been waiting for: the here and the now with my son.
Since we brought Baby Jay home on Thursday, my days have been filled with feedings, burbings and diaper changing! Even our cat, Remi, has been completely captivatated by the little on as you can see from this photo
Nadia and I are loving every minute of it.
He is scrumptious!
Unfortunately, I can’t post any identifying photos for at least 30 days. His birth mom has until Friday, June 18th to change her mind. After that time, we work with the agency to finalize the adoption.
I’ll write more when I can.
Where to start?
We met the birth mom, Martine, yesterday and the most beautiful baby boy in the world. She was incredibly sweet, poised and loving. When we walked into the hospital room, she gave us both big hugs!
We picked up the baby a few minutes later and he is an absolute dream. I could have stayed there all afternoon just looking at him. What a site! I didn’t want to let him go.
The night before Nadia and I had a little tiff over the baby’s name because I didn’t want to be presumptuous and pick out a name before Martine surrendered him to us. Nadia, on the other hand, thought that it would be important for our bonding to pick out a name. So we did, though I was a little pissy about it.
And I’m so glad we did.
Martine let us name the baby for the official birth certificate. From now on, I will call him Baby Jay! We gave him a first and last name. Martine will get the official birth certificate with his first and second names as well as her last name and then we will have a new one reissued in 3 to 6 months with our last names.
How exciting!
We asked Martine how she was feeling. She looked great for someone who had just had a c-section 2 days ago. I had some pictures to show her of our family and she showed me a picture of her three year old daughter, who is absolutely gorgeous!
She asked us if we felt we were ready for this and we kind of stammered through that answer.
Nadia said, “Well, um, we wanted to be parents for many years but…”
Martine, ” Well, I hope I am not causing too much trouble…”
”Not at all, ” I piped in, “we are very excited! We just have a lot to learn.”
And she smiled warmly.
If all goes well today, we will bring him home later this afternoon. I can’t believe it!
In preparation for the arrival of our little miracle, I compiled a list of your suggestions and we visited Tar.get last night. When we got to the baby section, I thought my head would explode(!) so we just bought the basics. There is a lot to learn. Especially for me. I’ve fantasized about being a mom for several years, but I’ve had no ‘real time’ to plan. Needless to say, it’s all overwhelming yet very welcome!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR HELP!
Over the weekend, Nadia and I previewed Off and Running: An American Coming of Age Story, a documentary film about a young African American girl who was raised by her Jewish adoptive moms, Tova and Travis.
The film is excellent. I first heard about the film from Mother Issues and I’m thrilled that I got to see it for myself. Not only does it do a great job of depicting the complexities involved in transracial adoption, but it also adeptly demonstrates the trials and tribulations that parents face when dealing with any young adult who is coming of age.
Avery was adopted by Travis while she was an infant. Travis then met and married Tova, who also had an adopted son, Rafi. Tova and Travis later adopted another child, Zay-Zay. The Klein-Cloud children are African American (Avery), biracial (Samuel) and Korean (Zay-Zay). The family practices Jewish traditions, while living in Brooklyn.
The film has a warm, intimate feeling. Shot with an intelligent and insightful eye, Off and Running does not take the easy route, by casting anyone in the role of the villain, which I found refreshing.
When Avery turns eighteen, she feels compelled to communicate with her Texan birth mom, “K”, assisted with the help of her adoption agency. To her disappointment, she receives a rather lukewarm response from “K”.
During this excruciatingly slow “snail mail” exchange, Avery’s adoptive moms, Tova and Travis, become frustrated with Avery. They don’t understand why their daughter feels the need to connect with her birth mom. They appear threatened and, at times, downright angry that she continues to talk about and agonize over her lack of connection to her birth mom and her four siblings.
At one point, Avery says to her birth moms, “I just want to know who I am.”
And Tova responds, “You take after me.”
During the midst of this growing conflict with her adoptive moms, Avery begins to experience an identity crisis, which causes her to skip school, move out, risk her track career and, ultimately, her ticket to college.
Understandably, Avery’s adoptive moms are completely flabbergasted by her behavior; however, they don’t seem to grasp how difficult it is for Avery to not really know where she comes from.
At one point, Travis says, “It’s like something really traumatic happened to her, but I don’t think it did.”
I think that Avery’s loss is compounded by her lack of African American role models. One day while walking down the street, Avery says to Tova, “I want to get my hair braided.” Tova responds, “Well Travis always braided your hair,” but it seems as if the motivation behind Avery’s desire for braids (braided extensions, really) is more significant than Avery’s moms realize.
Later in the film, Avery confides to a counselor that she doesn’t “know how to be black.”
Frankly, I don’t think that her insecurity is only due to the fact that she was raised by white Jewish lesbians because I was grew up with two Caribbean (black) parents in a white neighborhood and I remember feeling insecure about my blackness as a teenager. There is something very distinct about the African American experience that any parent of an African American child needs to acknowledge and pro-actively address.
Ultimately, the love that Avery receives from her adoptive moms, provides her with tools she needs to find her way.
I really admire the courage of everyone involved in making Off and Running, including the entire family, the film maker, Nicole Opper, and especially young Avery, who, in addition to being the central character in the film, is listed as one of the films co-authors. The film has a raw honestly, which makes it empathize with all of the characters.
I highly recommend this film. It was great to watch with Nadia because it got us to talk about how we would deal with a transracial adoption. We also talked about how we will deal with the racial issues that are bound to emerge in our transracial, alternative, adoptive family.
Off and Running will air on POV, on PBS on September 7th along with some other documentaries on adoption:
Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy (Aug 31), about a Chinese adoption and In the Matter of Cha Jung Hi (Sep 14), which deals with Korean adoption.
Check out the POV website for more details. And I will post another update closer to the viewing date.
When we started the adoption process last year after my last IVF failure, Nadia and I thought that working with a private attorney would be our best option. We would be able to interview birth moms and make an informed and empowering decision, while saving on agency fees. Unfortunately, things haven’t turned out exactly as we thought they would.
We are currently speaking with a birth mom but we’re unsure if that situation will work out. I was feeling anxious about things so I talked Nadia into attending an adoption agency orientation this past weekend.
This is the second one I’ve been to. All of the agencies I’ve “interviewed” present unique challenges. First, and foremost, we need to work with an agency that is more than just tolerant of gay families. Some agencies will accept an application from a gay or lesbian couple but they may not show our profile to a birth mom. So, when I was doing research last year, I identified three agencies that would pro-actively work with us: Agency A, Agency B, and Agency C.
Agency A was recommended by my lawyer, Britney. They have a good reputation with lesbian and gay adoption and they are one of the leaders of the open adoption movement. Open adoption is now an industry standard but Agency A was at the forefront of the movement. Needless to say, I was really excited to call them. When I called, I explained to them that my partner and I were interested in adoption and that I wanted to know about their process. The social worker responded with, “I’m sorry but we’ve reached our quota for gay couples.”
I was a little shocked.
“Your quota?” I responded.
“Yes, she replied,” we’ve found that it’s not good for us or you, for that matter, to have more than a certain number of gay couples on our books for too long. If you are interested in working with us, I can take down your information and get back to you in about six months.”
”No thanks, I replied.”
When I told my lawyer, Britney, about the exchange, she said, “Well, we have spoken to them about that policy in the past, but the fact of the matter is that they have certain business realities that we just need to accept. The fact that you are African American and Nadia is Latina may make a difference, though.”
Nadia and I decided to pass on that agency.
Agency B had an orientation for their African American and Latino program right here in the Big Apple. The room was packed with about 100 people and the energy in the room was really charged. The presenters were nice, but they laid out ‘their philosophy,” which included extensive paperwork and mandatory onsite meetings with our ’cohort’, which I think I could deal with. One of their rules, though, turned out to be deal breaker for both me and Nadia.
Agency B does not allow adoptive families to take the baby directly home from the hospital. After the baby is born she lives with a temporary family for about six weeks. The adoptive family is not allowed to see the baby during that time. They were very adamant about not even sharing any pictures before placement. Once the parental rights are terminated, the adoptive parents meet the baby, knowing that the baby is theirs forever.
Nadia is completely against this. When I explained their policy to her, she said, “No way!” If possible, we would both like to be present when the baby is born and, we would like to take the baby home from the hospital. We know that we may not have any control in the matter because babies come when they come, but we don’t want to work with an agency with a policy that won’t allow us to be there for the baby’s birth under any circumstances.
Since the orientation, Agency B has had adoptive parents call us, encouraging us to apply but Nadia is adamant about not working with them. So we moved on.
Both agency A and B would cost us about the same price. Agency C is a different story…
Nadia and I drove two and half hours this weekend to go to Agency C’s orientation. Last year, we met the agency’s social worker at the Adoption Conference held here in New York City and we really liked her a lot. They also do a lot of outreach to gay and lesbian couples and families, which we really appreciate.
Nadia and I were a little late because we got lost on the way there, but we weren’t too late. When we arrived, we joined about 20 people. The social worker was talking about home studies, going over the basics:
“No we don’t do white glove inspections.
No we don’t look in your kitchen cabinets.
Yes, you can have pets.
Yes, you can have guns in your home but you need to show us your gun license.”
I sort of tuned her out, because we had already completed our home study and, in fact, we’ve have been certified by the state of New York, so I had a little bit of a “I’m at the head of the class attitude” but I quickly got over that. There’s always something to learn.
This agency is based in six states: Connecticut, Virginia, New Jersey, Delaware and good ‘ol New York, so the proximity is awesome. We can drive to meet the birth mom. This agency does allow adoptive parents to bring babies home from the hospital and that makes us very, very happy. So, we can drive to the hospital to pick up the baby and drive the baby home. No trains, planes or road trips with this option!
Every year they have an annual picnic to bring together birth families and adoptive families together, and Nadia and I really like that. We see this as a great opportunity to connect with birth parents and to have a community of adoptive parents and children we can socialize with on a regular basis.
We love the social worker, we love the proximity, we love their outreach to gay and lesbian couples, we love their policy on open adoption, we love the fact that they would let us bring the baby home from the hospital.
So, what’s their problem?
One thing that I have issues with is the African American/Biracial program has a unique fee schedule. It differs from their White/Hispanic program by about $6000. It will cost us $6000 less to adopt an African American or biracial baby than it would cost my white counterpart to adopt a white or Hispanic baby.
This is something that really bothers me because it seems to put a different value on the lives of African American and Biracial children. Nadia and I have been talking about this for months. And we’ve looked at it from different angles. And I’ve decided that of all of the three agencies that seem open to gay adoption, this one fits the best.
The good news is that if we do go with them, we can jump right in. They will accept our home study and our profile, so we can be listed on their books in a relatively short period of time.
We are waiting and closely watching our current birth mom situation and if that falls through, we will probably sign up with agency C.
Okay, so I feel down the rabbit hole last week and I apologize. Right after my book club post, Nadia and I were contacted by a birth mom and that has taken a lot of my energy and attention.
I will write more about it later this week but those posts will be password protected.
Let me know if you want the password.
Thanks for hanging with me.
xo
I was minding my own business on Friday night when I received a provocative email.
The subject line said, “Possible Situation” and when I saw that the email was from my attorney, Britney, my heart skipped a beat.
Could this be it?
My hands were shaking as I opened. This is what it said:
“Eva, take a look at the email below and let me know if you are interested.
Adoptive Family Wanted
Interested parties to send profiles by Feb. 2″
Okay, well, I saw some questionable elements in the profile, but I immediately reached for the phone to call Nadia anyway. Her phone rang for a few minutes and then went to voice mail. I, then, decided to text her, just in case, she was in a meeting and able to respond quickly but I didn’t hear back from her for at least 15 minutes.
So I decided to call my attorney. I was feeling a little apprehensive about the situation but since it was Friday at 7PM, I thought it would be best to get as much information as possible before we started the weekend.
When I called my attorney, she sounded really rushed. She has caller ID so she knew it was me, ” “Hi! I only have a few minutes, but did you get my email?”
“Okay, well,” I said, “I just wanted to ask you about that. I wanted to know if you had any more information about the birth parents relationship and…?
Britney cut me off.
“Well, if you are interested, we need to send the profiles to the attorney by February 2nd.
Well, that’s just it, the profiles says, February 2nd, but it’s March 26th, Britney.
“OMIGOD, OMIGOD, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” she stammered. “That was an old email and I really should not have sent that to you, but don’t worry, your baby is out there.”
“That’s okay, ” I said, a little shell-shocked.
I hung up the phone, feeling relieved, sad, and a slightly pissed.
This week, Nadia and I will enter into a sort of “extended two week wait.” All of our paperwork has been submitted to the courts, which means that we are free to begin advertising and networking. Last week, we received a copy of our homestudy, which was glowing. What a relief!
Tomorrow, I will send ‘final’ versions of our profile book to our attorney for one final review. This will be the document that the potential birth moms will sift through, among hundreds of others, so that she can decide whether or not she would like to meet us. Utlimately, she’s the one who decides if she will pick us or not.
The back and forth of the editing process between me and our lawyers hasn’t been too bad but I’m glad I see a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard to figure out what to say about yourself and it’s hard to figure out what picture to include in a profile of your life. I mean it’s another round of: Does that picture make me look fat? too old? too young? bored? in love enough? etc. In other words, it’s another marketing project and it’s a little weird to ’sell yourself to a birthmom,’ but I haven’t allowed myself to analyze it too much. Anyway, another wait will soon begin.
Yet, this is not the kind of wait I’m used to. When I was actively trying to get pregnant, it was about monitoring every bodily twinge and all of my anxiety revolved around my bodily functions. This is different. This revolves around networking with other people and getting hand picked by someone else, so my anxiety is externalized in some ways, but it’s still there.
She’s baaaaaaaaaaack!
I’m scared. Of course, I’m scared. Once Nadia and I put ourselves out there, who knows what we’ll get back? Yes, I know, I know, it’s important to stay positive, but let’s face it, I’ve been waiting for a baby for a loooong time. I could see a lot of my feelings of inadequacy popping up if it begins to feel as if we are “waiting forever.”
On the other hand, I gotta say that the adoption process has been so much more user-friendly than the TTC process ever was, at least for me, anyway. I’ve felt support and love from everyone I’ve met, ranging from pre-adoptive parents, to adopted children, to parents, to lawyers and other professionals. Oh, I still have flash backs about the fertilty clinics and those insensitive doctors. Of course, there have only been a few a-holes in the adoption mix, but that’s to be expected. Overall, it’s been nothing like my TTC hell.
Anyway, here I go again! But, this time, I hope it will be more fruitful.
