Mommies Here!

Writing about my parental leave situation is  tricky because I don’t want to seem ungrateful, especially in light of the fact that I start a  four month parental leave next Wednesday. And I realize that I also run the risk of casting my employer in a negative light, if I say too much, which is the last thing I would like to do. Also, now that I’ve shown my face around here a few times, I feel weird letting it all hang out, but I’ll get used to it. 

I think it’s important that I  share a little bit about my experience  because it’s a huge  issue for all families and, hopefully, you will share too.

 From the moment I told my colleagues at work that Nadia and I  got “the call” about Baby Jay’s birth, everyone at my job has been extremely supportive. Let’s face it, the whole situation, could have led to some very awkward moments because no one at my  job knew that we were trying to adopt a baby; it just seemed to happen out of the blue. Fortunately for me, my job allows for 3 months paid parental leave for pregnant women, their spouses, and adoptive parents, which I know is extremely rare in this country, so it’s kind of perfect.

Even though I was dying to be with Baby Jay, I didn’t take my leave right away because  two weeks before Baby Jay’s birth, I was given some “very important” extra responsibilities for the summer and I knew that leaving abruptly would not be viewed favorably. Additionally, after looking into her leave policy, Nadia learned that she would be able to take some time off to spend with our son, so I knew that he would be in excellent hands–eventually.

 Given the emergency nature of the placement, Baby Jay, spent his first month with us with a beloved baby sitter  during the working hours. She has taken care of several children in our building over the years.  But, no matter who it is, it’s hard to leave your child with someone else, when you want to be on The One taking care of his every need. Obviously, in many respects, the care giving situation was less than ideal during that firts month, but Nadia and I muddled through the unexpectedly delightful first months of mommy hood, as sleep deprived as we are were.  

When I finally broached the subject of my leave with one of  supervisors, imagine my surprise when he told me that he would like me to consider delaying my leave a little further–like six weeks further–when my son would be about 5 months old. 

Huh?

Was this because my son was adopted? or because he has two moms? or was it just work -life politics circa 2010? Who knows? And, ultimately, who cares. I didn’t think about this one long enough to turn it into an adoption teachable moment.

Dear readers, you will be happy to know that with the backing of human resources, my wife, and many of my colleagues, I politely demurred. I will be on parental leave with Baby Jay from September 1 until January. Yes, my three months leave was extened to four months due vacation time  accrued and holiday office closings. 

 So, I am thrilled to have the time off to finally bond with my son after so many years of waiting for this miracle, but if I hadn’t stood my ground, it was have started after Baby Jay’s 5-month birthday. Even though I have ‘great benefits” my experience has made me curious about other people’s family leave experiences.

So leave a comment to let me know how about your family leave experience. I would love to hear how the initial ‘conversation’ went with your supervisor. Was s/he supportive? or did s/he fake a smile? Also, were you made to feel guilty for taking the time you need? If you are a non-bio parent, were you able to take any time? And, if you are an adoptive parent, how did/does your employer handle parental leave?

Welcome to The Egg Drop Post, where I write about life with my wife, Nadia, and the joys of motherhood.

 After three years of trying to get pregnant, three months ago, I  became a mom  through the miracle of domestic adoption. 

This week will be an exciting one. I promise the first Egg Drop Post give away, surveys, interviews, and much, much more.

I am looking forward to reconnecting with many of you and meeting many more.

I feel as if it has been ages and ages since I sat down and really did a ‘real’ blog post that was longer and more thoughtful than a drive by. Since Baby Jay came our way, I have been playing catch up. God added water and we became instant parents. Baby Jay is nothing but a pure blessing from heaven but he came to us so quickly that I barely had time to get the right size diapers let alone the accompanying accouterments.

 Nadia and I are just getting around to putting his nursery together—2 months after his birth– and we are slowly starting to exhale.  I still feel overwhelmed when I go into a baby store but it’s getting better and that’s thanks, in large part, to many of you.

 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 Nadia and I are completely in love with Baby Jay. We are awe struck, really.

 But in the midst of my reverie, I feel compelled to share another teachable moment. Just this weekend, Nadia and I were getting ready to go on a picnic with one of my BFFs and her son, M, who is 4. We were in a corner deli often referred to as a ‘Bodega’ here in the city, getting food and drink for the afternoon outing.

 As background, just in case you didn’t know, Nadia and I live in upper Manhattan, which is not known for being ‘gay-friendly’. On the other hand, I have never experienced any outright discrimination in my neighborhood and I know a lot (!) of queer people who here so I walk very confidently around ‘hood. I never really think about what people are thinking of me so in some ways, I am a little oblivious, but happy.

 Anyhoo, this weekend we were all standing around the Bodega counter, when older black woman said to no one in particular “whose boy is this,” referring to Baby Jay. She looked at Nadia, my BFF and me and I looked back at her  a little sheepishly and she said to me, “Oh, this is your son. You can’t deny it. He looks just like you.” And I said, “well…” and Nadia gave me a look which seemed to say “don’t.”  

 I was about to say, “Well, he’s our son” but Nadia stopped me. Why? What was she thinking? Was she thinking, like I often do, that she didn’t want to deal with any “negative reactions.” Often times, I don’t come out to people I don’t know, not because I’m ashamed of who I am, but simply because I am just tired of dealing with other people’s bull. It can be exhausting to have to defend my life, when I’m really just trying to get a sandwich, you know?

 The woman went on to say, “You can’t deny your blood. He looks just like you. And they say that’s good luck when a boy resembles his mother.” After that we paid for our sandwiches and left.

 So that whole left me with a lot of mixed feelings.

 At first, I was really at a loss for words. Part of me was secretly thrilled that she thought he looked like me. Many people have said Baby Jay and I resemble one another and there is a part of me that experiences that as a badge of honor. I wanted to give birth to my own child for so long and now I have Jay and it just thrills me on some level that he is so gorgeous and wonderful and that looks like he could be my biological son.

 However, when we left the store, I heard Nadia say to Baby Jay, “you are my son too, don’t forget that.” And I felt horrible. I said to her “are you okay?”

 And she replied, “I don’t really care about what that woman said, but I’m worried about what will happen when Baby Jay get’s older. What will happen when he understands that he is adopted and how will he feel during those kinds of exchanges?”  

 Neither one of us wants him to feel ashamed of the fact that he has two moms and, of course, we don’t want him to feel shame about his adoption, so we do need to figure out what we are going to say to folks.

 It’s tricky because people really don’t have a right to know anything about my personal life; on the other hand, I want Baby Jay to be proud of who he is.

 What would you do?

When I was trying to get pregnant, I was always waiting. Waiting to start a cycle, waiting to trigger my ovulation, for insemination, waiting to do a pregnancy test, waiting for the doctor to call with lab results. It was excruciating and one of the things that I liked about getting off of the trying to conceive train (TTC) train was the fact that I wouldn’t have to do any of that crap any more.

So then, I started the adoption process and I started another wait. Instead of waiting for my body to do something, I was often waiting on someone else. First and foremost was the paper wait. i spent a lot ot time waiting for paper to be sent, filled out, filed, and approved.

Then, I launched my ad campaign and started waiting for the phone to ring! Every day, I would wait by the phone and that was a different shade of hell. It was more externalized, less personalized, and gave me a little distance from the voices in my head that beat me up when I’m under stress, but I still heard voices.

This is never going to work. You are never going to be a mom. You’ve made another mistake.

Luckily,  after three years, we finally turned a corner.

Okay, now that we have our precious Baby Jay, I feel like I am running the last leg of a marathon. I am almost there, tired, and out of breathe, but I see the finish line.

 Jay’s birth mom has until Friday to change her mind. After Friday, in the court’s mind, she would have relinquished any of her rights to Baby Jay and we will be free to more towards adoption finalization. Friday, June 18th, represents a crossing over of sorts for me and it makes this wait all the more difficult.

This time, I have the baby. I know his smile, his smell, his likes and dislikes. I am no longer living in the realm of fantasy. This is real. Jay is my son. When I hold him in my arms, when I am burping him, for example,  it couldn’t be more real. I know his cries: hungry, gassy, and tired. It would be beyond words devastating if Baby Jay’s birth mom were to call before Friday. Even though it hasn’t even been a month since I met him, I can’t even imagine my life without him. Nadia is counting down the days and has been since we brought him home. I am not and I’m not quite sure why.

I have been thinking, Friday will come and go and he will be ours. But as Friday nears, I keep thinking about what his birth mom could be going through. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? Has she thought about picking up the phone? She has our 1-800# and my email; I gave them to her. She could call me or the agency at any time. Does she have regrets? Or is she is fiendishly trying to put the whole thing behind her and move on with her life?

I guess I will never know. But what I do know is that whatever she thinks and doesn’t think, I will forever be in her debt because she gave me a perfect gift; she gave me this moment. I am Jay’s mom. The is what I have been waiting for: the here and the now with my son.

Where to start?

We met the birth mom, Martine,  yesterday and the most beautiful baby boy in the world. She was incredibly sweet, poised and loving. When we walked into the hospital room, she gave us both big hugs!

We picked up the baby a few minutes later and he is an absolute dream. I could have stayed there all afternoon just looking at him. What a site! I didn’t want to let him go.

The night before Nadia and I had a little tiff over the baby’s name because I didn’t want to be presumptuous and pick out a name before Martine surrendered him to us. Nadia, on the other hand, thought that it would be important for our bonding to pick out a name. So we did, though I was  a little pissy about it.

And I’m so glad we did. 

Martine let us name the baby for the official birth certificate. From now on, I will call him Baby Jay! We gave him a first and last name. Martine will get the official birth certificate with his first and second names as well as her last name and then we will have a new one reissued in 3 to 6 months with our last names.

How exciting!

We asked Martine how she was feeling. She looked great for someone who had just had a c-section 2 days ago. I had some pictures to show her of our family and she showed me a picture of her three year old daughter, who is absolutely gorgeous!

She asked us if we felt we were ready for this and we kind of stammered through that answer.

Nadia said, “Well, um, we wanted to be parents for  many years but…”

Martine, ” Well, I hope I am not causing too much trouble…”

 ”Not at all, ” I piped in, “we are very excited! We just have a lot to learn.”

And she smiled warmly.

If all goes well today, we will bring him home later this afternoon. I can’t believe it!

In preparation for the arrival of our little miracle, I compiled a list of your suggestions and we visited Tar.get last night.  When we got to the baby section, I thought my head would explode(!)  so we just bought the basics. There is a lot to learn. Especially for me. I’ve fantasized about being a mom for several years, but I’ve  had no ‘real time’ to plan. Needless to say, it’s all overwhelming yet very welcome!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR HELP!

Okay, so we have a bit of a situation…

I got a call this morning regarding a birth mom, who gave birth to a baby boy last night. I will write more details in a password post later. For now, I can say that we are meeting her tomorrow and it is possible that we may have a baby by the end of the week.

Needless to say, this has caught us a bit off guard. We are happy yet scared to pieces!

What should we say to her?

And, how should we prepare for a newborn?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!

I know that I haven’t blogged in a while but there is actually too much to say.

 Have you ever started to write a post and then stopped? Well, that’s happened to me about a gazillion times in the last few weeks.

 My head is on over loaded again so let’s see if I can do this justice…

 Okay, the situation with the birth mom I wrote about fell through. Thanks to all of you who took the time to read those posts and to comment and email me. I really, really appreciate it.

 I may write about that in another post at some point in the future but for now let’s just say that it was a bust and let’s move on.

 Since then Nadia and I decided to work with an agency–agency C. They already have our  home study.  And I  we filled out a whole mess of paper work, signed it, sealed it,  and it’s ready to be delivered.

 But for some reason I haven’t been able to mail the paperwork. It’s been sitting on my desk for over a week. Something about Agency C’s matching process has not been sitting well with me.

 One piece of paper stands out a part from the rest. It’s the form that lets them know what kinds of ’situations’ we are open to, i.e.: birth mom with mild drug use in first trimester, birth mom who engaged in serious drug use throughout the entire pregnancy,  birthfather with serious mental illness, or birthfather unknown, etc.

 After that paperwork is filled out, it goes into their central registry, which is accessed by their offices in several states, and the social workers match us with a birth mom based on the info in that registry. Based on that paperwork, our profile is shown to birth moms who fit our profile.  So in other words, after that paperwork is mailed, unlike all of the other agencies we’ve considered, we will never again get to weigh in on the selection of the birth mom. That paper, defines our fate, so to speak.

 And I guess I was hoping to be more involved in the process, even  after we made the shift to an agency.  Other agencies may call a prospective adoptive parent to say ” a birth mom has selected you and three other families. Here is everything we know about her. Would you like us to show her your larger profile? Would you like to move forward with her based on what we know so far?”  And, at that point, we would have the opportunity to think about it and  say, ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ I think my control issues are bubbling up again and I’m feeling very anxious about this whole adoption thing.

 As you know, I’ve been working on the transition from the ttc to adoption and damnit, I feel as if I’m made a huge amount of progress since my colossal IVF cycle failure in Nov.

 One thing I’ve thought about is how this kind of transition is cyclical, like the stages of any grieving process.

 Now, I’m at a point where I need to make the transition from fantasizing about what my biological child would look like, and all of their other genetic traits– based on my gene pool and that of my sperm donor–  to just being open to various situations, shapes, sizes and shades.

 And, let me tell you something ladies, it’s a little hard.

 One of the ironies here is that my family’s gene pool isn’t so damn great. I mean we’ve got serious mental illness, alcoholism, cancer-almost any kind you can think of, just to name a few. But, somehow, turning the entire process over to another ‘entity’ has been really getting to me.

 In the midst of my paralysis around Agency C’s paper work, I discovered another option, Agency D.

 Agency D, is a teeny tiny agency here in New York. They don’t do many placements per year. They are extremely gay friendly, and have been for 23 years. In fact, many of their board members are members of the LGBT community. They don’t have price differentials between African American or white babies and our enrollment process would be relatively quick. They also feel very strongly about allowing adoptive families to take babies home from the hospital. Out of all of the agencies we’ve considered, Agency D is most aligned in terms of values and process, with Nadia and me. The only drawback is that their census is low relative to other agencies, which could prolong our wait. Ugh!

So this week, we  have appointments with Agency C or Agency D to discuss our concerns. Hopefully, we will make a decision by the end of the week.

This was also posted today at “Two Brides, One Adoption Story”, my new blog at the Adoptive Families Circle (AFC).  I will post there once a week.

*****

Mom was born in the Caribbean during the Great Depression. She loved the pomp and circumstance of weddings, celebrating the birth of babies, and dancing to Calypso. Mom loved life.

I am, Eva, my mother’s daughter.

But, to the naked eye, we seem very different. First and foremost, Mom could pass for white. I can’t. I am identifiably black. Mom was straight, married to dad for over 25 years and I’m not. About 10 years ago, I fell madly in love with Nadia and, after a seven-year courtship, we eloped to Canada–no pomp and circumstance for me.

Mom was fertile and I’m not. She gave birth to three kids, while, for three years, I struggled with infertility. That hell ended last year with one final, abysmal in vitro cycle.

Mom never told me that growing up could bring so much heartache but maybe she ran out of time. We lost her to breast cancer more than 16 years ago, when I was in my early 20s.

What Mom did tell me was how much she absolutely loved being a mother. She said that giving birth to me and my brothers was the greatest experience of her life, and she prayed that I would be able to experience that one day. Unfortunately, giving birth wasn’t in my stars, but I know that I will love being a mom, just like she did. I’ve dreamt about it for many years and I’m thrilled to have the chance to become a mother through domestic infant adoption.

My wife, Nadia, is South American with a heart made of gold. When we met, it was practically love at first site. She loves kids of all ages and can’t wait to be a mom. She’s my soul mate. Unlike me, she never wanted to give birth. This difference caused some tension between us, but it also made our marriage stronger. Because we are a same-sex couple in a transracial relationship, the adoption professionals have made it clear that, in their vernacular, we are considered an “alternative family.”

But this is not my first experience being in an “alternative family.”

Dad was visibly black and, as I said before, Mom could pass. Given the racial realities back in the 70s,  when I grew up, we were alternative, too. Our neighborhood was overtly hostile to black or “mixed” families. It was tough going on many occasions and there were times when we were called derogatory names or physically threatened.

When something like that did happened, we would always go to Mom. She had a way of making us feel better no matter what was going on. Looking back on it now, I realize that she carried many of our fears and anxieties inside of her and her resolve still carries me through the hard times, even to this day. I hear her  voice sometimes, telling me I can overcome anything. I hope to be that kind of mom to my kids.

Throughout my childhood, one thing I learned from Mom was to never give up on a dream.  Her uncompromising spirit served to anchor us inside the home, no matter what was going on outside. The  lessons that I learned from her  have carried me through many challenges, and I know I will draw on those lessons as we wait to adopt an infant through domestic adoption. We’ve submitted all of our paperwork to the court, put the finishing touches on our adoption profile, and we were recently certified by the court. Nadia and I have crossed over to the “expecting” category and “the wait” has officially begun.

So this post is dedicated to Mom, but also to the little one waiting in the wings, who will one day grace our home. I’ve dreamt of you, “Little Wing,” for so long and Nadia and I can’t wait to meet you, adopt you, and bring you home.

When we started the adoption process last year after my last IVF failure, Nadia and I thought that working with a private attorney would be our best option. We would be able to interview birth moms and make an informed and empowering decision, while saving on agency fees. Unfortunately, things haven’t turned out exactly as we thought they would.

We are currently speaking with a birth mom but we’re unsure if that situation will work out. I was feeling anxious about things so I talked Nadia into attending an adoption agency orientation this past weekend.

This is the second one I’ve been to. All of the agencies I’ve “interviewed” present  unique challenges. First, and foremost, we need to work with an agency that is more than just tolerant of gay families. Some agencies will accept an application from a gay or lesbian couple but they may not show our profile to a birth mom. So, when I was doing research last year, I identified three agencies that would pro-actively work with us: Agency A, Agency B, and Agency C.

Agency A was recommended by my lawyer, Britney. They have a good reputation with lesbian and gay adoption and they are one of the leaders of the open adoption movement. Open adoption is now an industry standard  but Agency A  was at the forefront of the movement. Needless to say,  I was really excited to call them. When I called, I explained to them that my partner and I were interested in adoption and that I wanted to know about their process. The social worker responded with, “I’m sorry but we’ve reached our quota for gay couples.”

 I was a little shocked.

“Your quota?” I responded.

“Yes, she replied,” we’ve found that it’s not good for us or you, for that matter, to have more than a certain number of gay couples on our books for too long. If you are interested in working with us, I can take down your information and get back to you in about six months.”

 ”No thanks, I replied.”

When I  told my lawyer, Britney, about the exchange,  she said, “Well, we have spoken to them about that policy in the past, but the fact of the matter is that they have certain business realities that we just need to accept.  The fact that you are African American and Nadia is Latina may make a difference, though.”

Nadia and I decided to pass on that agency.

Agency B had an orientation for their African American and Latino program right here in the Big Apple. The room was packed with about 100 people and the energy in the room was really charged. The presenters were nice, but they laid out ‘their philosophy,” which included extensive paperwork and mandatory onsite meetings with our  ’cohort’, which I think I could deal with. One of their rules, though, turned out to be deal breaker for both me and Nadia.

Agency B does not allow adoptive families to take the baby directly home from the hospital. After the baby is born she lives with a temporary family for about six weeks. The adoptive family is not allowed to see the baby during that time. They were very adamant about not even sharing any pictures before placement. Once the parental rights are terminated, the adoptive  parents meet the baby, knowing that the baby is theirs forever.

Nadia is completely against this. When I explained their policy to her, she said, “No way!”  If possible, we would both like to be present when the baby is born and, we would like to take the baby home from the hospital. We know that we may not have any control in the matter because babies come when they come, but we don’t want to work with an agency with a policy that won’t allow us to be there for the baby’s birth under any circumstances.

Since the orientation, Agency B has had adoptive parents  call us,  encouraging us to apply but Nadia is adamant about not working with them.   So we moved on.

Both agency A and B would cost us about the same price. Agency C is a different story…

Nadia and I drove two and half hours this weekend to go to Agency  C’s orientation. Last year, we met the agency’s social worker at the Adoption Conference held here in New York City and  we really liked her a lot. They also do a lot of outreach to gay and lesbian couples and families, which we really appreciate.

Nadia and I were a little late because we got lost on the way there, but we weren’t too late. When we arrived, we joined about 20 people. The social worker was talking about home studies, going over the basics:

“No we don’t do white glove inspections.

No we don’t look in your kitchen cabinets.

Yes, you can have pets.

Yes, you can have guns in your home but you need to show us your gun license.”

I sort of tuned her out, because we had already completed our home study and, in fact, we’ve have been certified by the  state of New York, so I had a little bit of a “I’m at the head of the class attitude” but I quickly got over that. There’s always something to learn.

This agency is based in six states: Connecticut, Virginia, New Jersey, Delaware and  good ‘ol New York, so the proximity is awesome. We can drive to meet the birth mom. This agency does allow adoptive parents to bring babies home from the hospital and that makes us very, very happy.  So, we can drive to the hospital to pick up the baby and drive the baby home. No trains, planes or road trips with this option!

Every year they have an annual picnic to bring together birth families and adoptive families together, and Nadia and I really like that. We see this as a great opportunity to connect with birth parents and to have a community of adoptive parents and children we can socialize with on a regular basis.

We love the social worker, we love the proximity, we love their outreach to gay and lesbian couples, we love their policy on open adoption, we love the fact that they would let us bring the baby home from the hospital.

So, what’s their problem?

One thing that I have issues with is the African American/Biracial program has a unique fee schedule. It differs from their  White/Hispanic program by about $6000. It will cost us $6000 less to adopt an African American or biracial baby than it would cost my white counterpart to adopt a white or Hispanic baby.

This is something that really bothers me because it seems to put a different value on the lives of African American and Biracial children. Nadia and I have been talking about this for months. And we’ve looked at it from different angles. And I’ve decided that of all of the three agencies that seem open to gay adoption, this one fits the best.

The good news is that if we do go with them, we can jump right in. They will accept our home study and our profile, so we can be listed on their books in a relatively short period of time.

We are waiting and closely watching our current birth mom situation and if that falls through, we will probably sign up with agency C.