Mommies Here!

When we started the adoption process last year after my last IVF failure, Nadia and I thought that working with a private attorney would be our best option. We would be able to interview birth moms and make an informed and empowering decision, while saving on agency fees. Unfortunately, things haven’t turned out exactly as we thought they would.

We are currently speaking with a birth mom but we’re unsure if that situation will work out. I was feeling anxious about things so I talked Nadia into attending an adoption agency orientation this past weekend.

This is the second one I’ve been to. All of the agencies I’ve “interviewed” present  unique challenges. First, and foremost, we need to work with an agency that is more than just tolerant of gay families. Some agencies will accept an application from a gay or lesbian couple but they may not show our profile to a birth mom. So, when I was doing research last year, I identified three agencies that would pro-actively work with us: Agency A, Agency B, and Agency C.

Agency A was recommended by my lawyer, Britney. They have a good reputation with lesbian and gay adoption and they are one of the leaders of the open adoption movement. Open adoption is now an industry standard  but Agency A  was at the forefront of the movement. Needless to say,  I was really excited to call them. When I called, I explained to them that my partner and I were interested in adoption and that I wanted to know about their process. The social worker responded with, “I’m sorry but we’ve reached our quota for gay couples.”

 I was a little shocked.

“Your quota?” I responded.

“Yes, she replied,” we’ve found that it’s not good for us or you, for that matter, to have more than a certain number of gay couples on our books for too long. If you are interested in working with us, I can take down your information and get back to you in about six months.”

 ”No thanks, I replied.”

When I  told my lawyer, Britney, about the exchange,  she said, “Well, we have spoken to them about that policy in the past, but the fact of the matter is that they have certain business realities that we just need to accept.  The fact that you are African American and Nadia is Latina may make a difference, though.”

Nadia and I decided to pass on that agency.

Agency B had an orientation for their African American and Latino program right here in the Big Apple. The room was packed with about 100 people and the energy in the room was really charged. The presenters were nice, but they laid out ‘their philosophy,” which included extensive paperwork and mandatory onsite meetings with our  ’cohort’, which I think I could deal with. One of their rules, though, turned out to be deal breaker for both me and Nadia.

Agency B does not allow adoptive families to take the baby directly home from the hospital. After the baby is born she lives with a temporary family for about six weeks. The adoptive family is not allowed to see the baby during that time. They were very adamant about not even sharing any pictures before placement. Once the parental rights are terminated, the adoptive  parents meet the baby, knowing that the baby is theirs forever.

Nadia is completely against this. When I explained their policy to her, she said, “No way!”  If possible, we would both like to be present when the baby is born and, we would like to take the baby home from the hospital. We know that we may not have any control in the matter because babies come when they come, but we don’t want to work with an agency with a policy that won’t allow us to be there for the baby’s birth under any circumstances.

Since the orientation, Agency B has had adoptive parents  call us,  encouraging us to apply but Nadia is adamant about not working with them.   So we moved on.

Both agency A and B would cost us about the same price. Agency C is a different story…

Nadia and I drove two and half hours this weekend to go to Agency  C’s orientation. Last year, we met the agency’s social worker at the Adoption Conference held here in New York City and  we really liked her a lot. They also do a lot of outreach to gay and lesbian couples and families, which we really appreciate.

Nadia and I were a little late because we got lost on the way there, but we weren’t too late. When we arrived, we joined about 20 people. The social worker was talking about home studies, going over the basics:

“No we don’t do white glove inspections.

No we don’t look in your kitchen cabinets.

Yes, you can have pets.

Yes, you can have guns in your home but you need to show us your gun license.”

I sort of tuned her out, because we had already completed our home study and, in fact, we’ve have been certified by the  state of New York, so I had a little bit of a “I’m at the head of the class attitude” but I quickly got over that. There’s always something to learn.

This agency is based in six states: Connecticut, Virginia, New Jersey, Delaware and  good ‘ol New York, so the proximity is awesome. We can drive to meet the birth mom. This agency does allow adoptive parents to bring babies home from the hospital and that makes us very, very happy.  So, we can drive to the hospital to pick up the baby and drive the baby home. No trains, planes or road trips with this option!

Every year they have an annual picnic to bring together birth families and adoptive families together, and Nadia and I really like that. We see this as a great opportunity to connect with birth parents and to have a community of adoptive parents and children we can socialize with on a regular basis.

We love the social worker, we love the proximity, we love their outreach to gay and lesbian couples, we love their policy on open adoption, we love the fact that they would let us bring the baby home from the hospital.

So, what’s their problem?

One thing that I have issues with is the African American/Biracial program has a unique fee schedule. It differs from their  White/Hispanic program by about $6000. It will cost us $6000 less to adopt an African American or biracial baby than it would cost my white counterpart to adopt a white or Hispanic baby.

This is something that really bothers me because it seems to put a different value on the lives of African American and Biracial children. Nadia and I have been talking about this for months. And we’ve looked at it from different angles. And I’ve decided that of all of the three agencies that seem open to gay adoption, this one fits the best.

The good news is that if we do go with them, we can jump right in. They will accept our home study and our profile, so we can be listed on their books in a relatively short period of time.

We are waiting and closely watching our current birth mom situation and if that falls through, we will probably sign up with agency C.