The Egg Drop Post

And may you find peace and happiness in a little wrapped box.

Please show my friend, Sarah, at Dreams and False Alarms some love. She needs lots of hugs!

As planned, Nadia and I went to the doctor last Friday. I’m still trying to process it and figure out what it all means.

But anyhoo, he said that the fact that I made 18 eggs this time means that I’m not a ‘poor responder’ and that I should definitely try it again. As soon as he said that, I heard a cash register in my head. He said that at my age and with that kind of response, my chances of getting pregnant were about 50%.

According to Dr. Yoda, there are many reasons why this cycle may have failed:

1. Bad eggs

2. Bad sperm

3. Just plain ol’ bad luck

He said that we could start again as early as next month with the estrogen and co-culture stuff. He would do the same protocol but maybe start with a lower dosage. The fact that I had 18 eggs, but 10 immature suggests, according to him, that I should have been on meds for a couple more days.

 I don’t know. I’m happy that he said my chances are 50-50 but psychologically I feel very depleted.

I’m am very torn and grateful that Nadia decided to wait one month from my BFN to make any decisions.

Last Sunday, Nadia and I went to a picnic for pre- and post- adoptive parents. We have a friend who adopted an incredible little girl 5 years ago whom we both adore. Our friend has been encouraging us to adopt an infant for some time; it’s almost to the point of being annoying! But given my recent failed cycle, we agreed to join her at the picnic.
 
The whole affair was pretty low stress and, let’s face it, last Sunday was an absolutely perfect day weather wise. Everyone was very friendly and it was an incredibly diverse environment, queers, straights and some instances of children of color with white adoptive parents, needless to say, Nadia and I felt very comfortable.
 
Nadia kept checking in on me to see how I was feeling. I have to admit that, surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to break down, though contemplating the reality that I may  not be able to have my own biological child does make me very sad. I think a lot of my sadness stems from the fact that I lost my mother when i was 23 and I have no nieces or nephews. I was really looking forward to having that biological connection with her. Well, frankly, ladies, it’s looking less and less like that will ever happen. I’m in mourning but exploring my options; and keeping myself in motion helps a lot.
 
In other news, tomorrow morning is my appointment with my RE and here are the questions I have for him:

1. WTF?

2. Why didn’t any of my 8 mature eggs fertilize? How common is that? 

3. Does that mean that my eggs are just “too old”?

4. If we were to do this again, how would you change the protocol?

5. Given my history, what are my chances of success?

6. At what point do you recommend that patients throw in the towel and explore donor egg or adoption?

This is where I need your help….What else do you think I should ask? What would you ask if you were me?
 
Thanks!

I came by this story today and it made me smile.

According to the AP, two male penguins are cautiously guarding the entrence to their cave in Northern Germany where they are fostering a six weeks old penguin chick. After a penguin egg had been abandoned by its biological parents. The two male penguins adopted it, carefully nurturing it so it could hatch.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something?

I have been trying to explore my options and be open to whatever comes next.

Nadia and I have an appointment with my RE next Friday to see if he can tell me why this last IVF cycle did not work. Unless, he can tell me why my 8 mature eggs did not fertlize, I can’t see why I would do IVF again.

So maybe, we’ll become a couple of penguins?

Sara at The Egg Dancenominatd me for this award and I’m thrilled. Thanks, Sara! Now I get to  hand some out. I have to admit it’s been tough just narrowing down all of the blogs that I love to a mere seven because I love the blogosphere so much and I adore all of you but here goes.

1. I Am the Smart One. I love Kymberli’s writing and content. She has a fascinating blog about her family, her love, and her life as a gestational surrogate.  Oh, yeah, and she is really smart.

2. OneofhisMoms. This is one of my old favorites. This is, believe it or not, one of the first queer TTC blogs I ever read and I’m completed addicted. I’m also delighted that she has her newborn, Trucker with her at long last.

3.L.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n Theory. This is a smart, well-written inspirational blog about the TTC when your partner is already knocked up.

4. Specific Destiny. This is the partner site to L.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n Theory. Yippee! Giggleblue is preggo and blogging all the way. You go girl!

5.Twin Cycles. This is Gia and Ki’s blog about the incredible adventures of two girls trying to get preggo at the same time.  Ki recently got her BFP and they have quite a story to tell.

6.Queerstork.North of the border, Queerstork is on the TTC hamster wheel with me. Her blog is witty and fun.

7. The Family O. Always fun, always witty, this is the story of their two mom family: Lo, Co and their son, Jo.

Okay, gals, now it’s your turn:

1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs.
4. Add links to those blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.

I always loved playing blackjack as a kid. I was pretty good at it but I what I liked the most was the thrill of the chase. Vingt et un is still one of my favorite games to this day. I love looking into my opponent’s eyes and trying to guess if he or she is at the breaking point but, most importantly, I love to win.

So I pretty much have 21 days left until I start my IVF cycle and I’m trying to figure out what it all means. I’ve gotten wrapped up in numbers before; specifically, cycle 7 and before that cycle 5. I’m a pseudo-numerologist in training. Right now with 21 days to go it’s too early to discern the meaning of this  cycle but I am starting to feel the exhilaration and thrill that only comes when you’re pacing on uncharted terrain waiting for something big to come along. 

 I’m nervous, excited, thrilled, and scared. I’m trying to keep my wits about me and remember my ability to stay cool under pressure. They say that winning at cards is less about luck and more about tenacity and skill. I feel like I’ve been through the TTC boot camp and I’ve paid my dues. Now I’m just waiting for 21.

Okay, so I said that I was grateful for the healthcare that I have (and I am) and that I wasn’t going to write anymore posts like this where I completely ravish the U.S. healthcare system, but I think I was a bit premature. And here’s why…

I got a call from a former colleague of mine who is doing some research on lesbians and health care. She says she wants to draw attention to the disparities of healthcare access between het and queer women, her ultimate goal is to provide community-based solutions to a documented problem, so she contacted me for advice (don’t ask me why). Ironically, her inquiry sent me into a tailspin. I think I’m dealing with some PTSD, not be confused with my oncoming PMS. Her inquiry triggered a lot of painful memories that I suppressed during the last year and a half.

It all started when I was speaking to the nurse practitioner at my doctor’s office. I told her that I was 36 and wanted to start seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. She asked me if I had been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for one full year—well, not exactly, I said, “I’m a lesbian and after speaking with my gyno, my partner and I decided that I need to get aggressive and meet with an RE as soon as possible”.  “Well”, she sighed it’s going to be a bit challenging because I can’t put lesbian down as a diagnosis”. So that is how I became an “infertile”. It  turns out that the diagnosis was somewhat accurate but  the exchange still stung at the time.  I understand that the nurse practitioner was a bit player in an very lucrative medical drama aka U.S. healthcare, but she definitely made me feel like there was something wrong with me and that I was trying to get away with something.  However, my gyno advised me to get that referral based on my age—not my sexual orientation.

Fast forward to  my 5^th IUI’s and my encounter with Dr. Killjoy—not my normal RE– who after seeing my ripe-sized follicles told me that I should “come in the next day for an IUI and have intercourse with my husband that night just in case”. I gasped. Naked from the pants down, I was feeling very vulnerable, and just incredulous that I had been going to that office for at least seven months and yet he knew nothing about my lesbian identity.  I felt completely invisible. You should read the entire post here to get the full effect of the maddness. He’s the kind of doctor that doesn’t want to answer any questions and makes a lot of cultural assumptions.  Eventually, we worked it out for that cycle—“Obviously I can’t have sex with my husband, Dr. Killjoy so do you want to take two aspirin, think about the proper case of treatment in this situation and call me in the morning?” Needless to say, that experience made me doubt myself and my place on the TTC hamster wheel. “Should I really be doing this,” I asked myself as I looked at the stirrups, feeling invisible. I mean, who do I think I am to be messing with nature? I’m generally very vocal, but not typically when I’m half naked.

And then there are just the countless times that the nurses forget and ask me if my husband has “deposited his specimen”; or the times that I’m called to the examining room, and Nadia and I both get up and everyone looks at us and hush falls over the room. It’s disappointing because I’ve been told that this practice has a 30% lesbian clientele yet they have 10% sensitivity to the issues and that’s based on personality not on any kind of formal training or mandate, at least not that I can see. So, it’s been hard. Crazy-making. Difficult. And it adds an extra dimension to the gut wrenching nature of the TTC experience.

I mean after a medicated IUI cycle, which for me goes something like this… ten visits to get my vjayjay wanded at 6am,  12 nights of  shots of menopur in the gut, one trigger shot, two IUI’s and then one  eviscerating visit from AF, it’s hard to think about getting up and going back to the RE the next day to get back on the TTC hamster wheel. That alone is hard enough. I shouldn’t have to worry about making folks cringe or ducking when they mess up and ask for my husband.  It’s uncomfortable and often painful.So I’ve suppressed a lot of this. And it wasn’t until I got that phone call that it  all came rushing to the surface. Ugh.

At the same time, I feel guilty for writing this. I’m spoiled because I have access to assisted reproductive technology and Dr. Killjoy and Dr. Feelgood are considered experts in the field. ART is a mind-blowing technology.  IVF  just gets better with age so I’m very lucky to have the chance to do it now and the fact that I have insurance to pay for it makes me one of a chosen few.

So the waiting, the hoping, the crying, and the raging is really hard.  I guess, in the face of so much uncertainty, the only thing I know for sure, is that this experience has altered me. And I will never be the same.

So Nadia and I met our twins on Tuesday night. We went to a support group at my church. I’ve been to the group a couple times before. Nadia went once and really didn’t like it.

This time around I didn’t even ask her if she wanted to go, I just sort of announced that I was going because I felt that I needed it. I’ve been feeling very anxious about my upcoming IVF cycle and I’m leaving no stone unturned when it comes to talking and writing about my fears and anxiety. With each passing day, I hear my bio clock’s tick tock and the sound is deafening. So I just said to Nadia, “I’m going to my group tonight” and she asked me if I wanted her to go. I said, ‘sure’ but deep down I kept thinking that she somehow wasn’t going to make it.

Normally, there are not many women there. I don’t think it’s because there isn’t a demand—there is.  I think the lack of attendance is because it’s a tough subject and if you trek yourself over there once and you don’t find many women there, it can be a challenge to return. I guess what I’m saying is that the group had never really found its rhythm.

Anyhoo, she did make it, albeit a half an hour late due to a crisis at work and to our surprise there were at least eight people there. The other surprising thing was that we met a couple that we might describe as our TTC twins.

For those of you who don’t know, Nadia feels very strongly about adoption. She is very open and, I would say, eager to adopt. She loves children and doesn’t feel the need to birth one or to have me do so. In fact, on Tuesday night she said, ‘getting pregnant is important to me because it’s important to Eva.’ She herself feels that there are many ‘perfectly good children out there’ that need homes and I completely agree with her—on an intellectual level, but I can’t quiet down the burning urge in my gut to give birth.

Needless to say, this ‘difference of opinion’ has been the source of countless arguments and lots of tension in our house for the past couple of years. I get really upset when Nadia is not as in to calculating my chances of getting pregnant every day of my cycle. It’s only been more recently, after a couple months of couple’s therapy, that I’ve been able to calm down and accept her position. Yet even though we’ve come to a bit of détente, I’ve always felt that we were an odd couple. I’ve never met a lesbian couple with this permanent tension around birth vs. adoption, especially in the middle of an arduous TTC journey, at least, not until Tuesday night.

One of the women has been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years. As you can imagine she is desperate to have her own child.  Her partner was not so in to the TTC thing. In fact, she introduced herself by saying ‘I’m not interested in hearing about anyone’s cycle…” She was very interested in exploring her feelings as someone whose partnered with a women who is trying to conceive. One thing she shared was that she ‘wasn’t born but was adopted’ and that it was hard for her to be around women who only talked about the bond between a mother and her biological child.

So it was really great to meet our twins, so to speak. It made me feel less freakish, if you can believe that. It made me breath a sigh of relief and appreciate  the human condition. Let’s face it, it’s complicated.

Okay so here is the last year a a half in a wordle. I first learned about this from Calli who learned of it from Kymberli. Given how long it takes me to get around to things,  I am just getting around to posting it now.

As you can see, it’s all I do it think about Nadia and the TTC. I guess it’s nice to have a picture of your obsessive compulsive behavior, right?