Last Wednesday, I learned that my little embie didn’t make it and that that cycle was a bust. It’s hard but Nadia and I have decided to move on to domestic adoption.
I’ll write more about it in the coming weeks.
Thanks so much for your support. It means a lot.
So I just had one genuine laugh for the day and I wanted to share it before my mood changed again.
I sent my dear friend, an eternal, lovable, optimist, a text this afternoon, letting her know the update from my doc. Here it is:
“So I have 1 viable embie and they will call me on Weds morning to let me know if I am having the transfer that afternoon. I’m goin call my doc to see if that scenario even makes sense. wtf?”
And her response made me laugh out loud for the first time today…
“Ok. Go nephew or niece! Show them that 1 is the new 4!”
So over the next couple of days, I will wait to see if my little embie makes it and I’m hoping we’ll get a chance to show ‘em that 1 is the new 4!
xo
Well, I finally got the fertilization report and it wasn’t so great. I had 8 mature eggs and none of them fertilized (again!) so they are going to do immature icsi today. They will let me know tomorrow if any of the remaining 6 eggs fertilized; tomorrow they will let me know if I have anything to transfer.
I’m feeling a little bit of deja vu and that’s all I’m feeling right now.
I’ll keep you posted.
xo
So the retrevial today went well. They retrieved 14 eggs- not bad!
I’m relieved but anxious to get the fertilization report tomorrow.
At this point, I feel a very measured sense of contentment.
xo
So I have been on stims for about 14 days now, much longer than my average, but tomorrow is the big day. The cycle has been uneventful and the dosages have been the lowest they’ve ever been. Even when I did medicated IUI cycles, I had more drugs in my system.
Kym just asked, where have you been? I’ve been stimming, girl! Just stimming! LOL
I have about 10 follicles and according to my doc ‘everything looks good.”We’ll find out more tomorrow and I’ll be sure to update.
Happy Halloween, Folks!
Okay, so I jumped out of bed this morning, ready for another episode with the strirrups. And no, it wasn’t an appointment with my RE, but my gyno. A few weeks ago I made an appointment with my gyno for my ‘annual’ aka pap smear. And today was supposed to be the day!
I waited the appropriate 30 minutes and then disrobed as usual. When my doctor finally got in the room, she said, “Well, you know we don’t do annual pap smears anymore. You only need to do it once every three years, but I can check your internal organs for you.” How anti-climatic. Do you know about this new ‘regulation’? Why didn’t I get the memo?
Anyway, after going to the RE’s office a gazillion times in the last year, her exam was nothing but a piece of cake. She was very pleasant, and I had no emotional baggage after it was over.
In other news, I was approved by insurance company without a hitch. When the letter came for me in the mail this week, I realized that I had been approved for two cycles instead of one. How awesome is that? I don’t plan on doing more than one more but I feel like I got a bonus–an extra cycle approved by my insurance company without any questions asked.
Maybe my luck is changing.
Yesterday was a great day.
My insurance approved for another IVF cycle without a lot of fuss! Needless to say I am extremely happy. We will start our third and final IVF next month.
I was also accepted to seminary yesterday. Now, I know that that will come as a surprise to many. After my retreat last month, I just decided it was something that I had to do. The program is part-time, so I am keeping my day job. In two years, I will be an ordained minister who is able to perform same-sex weddings and baby blessings!
Nadia is a bit shocked but keeping her cool. When I called her with the ‘official news’ she said, “wow, you are something else, you know that?” And I said, “yes, I know, but you love me”. Her reply was “yes, rollar coasters are fun by scary.”
Thanks for your support. xo
It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it?
So many lovely things have happened during my unplanned ‘hiatus’. I am so happy and so grateful to the universe that so many of you gave birth and got knocked up during my ‘discernment period’. Congratulations! And thanks to all of you who care about my decision and my journey. It really touches my heart.
I am feeling really good and purposeful these days, though I am not sure why. Nadia and I decided we would give it one more try. So, I will do another IVF in October. I’m feeling nervous but resolute. Whatever happens, happens.
My time away from the blogosphere was productive and peaceful. I feel more centered these days, more grounded and in touch with the big picture, though I can’t describe exactly what it looks like. It keeps shifting but I know it involves laughter and children. If I don’t get pregnant, we will move onto adoption.
Peace!
Last Sunday, Nadia and I went to a picnic for pre- and post- adoptive parents. We have a friend who adopted an incredible little girl 5 years ago whom we both adore. Our friend has been encouraging us to adopt an infant for some time; it’s almost to the point of being annoying! But given my recent failed cycle, we agreed to join her at the picnic.
The whole affair was pretty low stress and, let’s face it, last Sunday was an absolutely perfect day weather wise. Everyone was very friendly and it was an incredibly diverse environment, queers, straights and some instances of children of color with white adoptive parents, needless to say, Nadia and I felt very comfortable.
Nadia kept checking in on me to see how I was feeling. I have to admit that, surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to break down, though contemplating the reality that I may not be able to have my own biological child does make me very sad. I think a lot of my sadness stems from the fact that I lost my mother when i was 23 and I have no nieces or nephews. I was really looking forward to having that biological connection with her. Well, frankly, ladies, it’s looking less and less like that will ever happen. I’m in mourning but exploring my options; and keeping myself in motion helps a lot.
In other news, tomorrow morning is my appointment with my RE and here are the questions I have for him:
1. WTF?
2. Why didn’t any of my 8 mature eggs fertilize? How common is that?
3. Does that mean that my eggs are just “too old”?
4. If we were to do this again, how would you change the protocol?
5. Given my history, what are my chances of success?
6. At what point do you recommend that patients throw in the towel and explore donor egg or adoption?
This is where I need your help….What else do you think I should ask? What would you ask if you were me?
Thanks!
Here’s what has been playing in my head since 3AM this morning…
Is it stupid to want to try again?
Nadia is sick of this. I’m sick of this. I can’t put her through this again. She won’t. I won’t.
10 IUIs. 2 IVFs. 2 Clinics. 1 Surgery. No pregnancy. Nada. Zip.
I am a failure.
I don’t want to leave my house.
There’s no baby bump and it’s embarrassing. Several people know that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years and I have nothing to show for it but bills, bills, bills, swollen ovaries, and 15 extra pounds.
Realistically, there are 8 million people in New York City. Is anyone even looking at me? Does anyone really care?
What about all of the day dreams about my child’s birth? Were those just hallucinations? Am I crazy? Have I completely lost it?
I hereby name myself, The Madwoman in the Waiting Room.
I hate all doctors.
And insurance companies! I can’t fight that war again. Who knows how much they will reimburse me for this last IVF.
Let’s recap that last IVF cycle, shall we? 18 eggs, 8 mature, none fertilized. 10 immature eggs, 5 fertilized, none took.
WTF?
They say, when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade.
What can you make with bad eggs?
How about adoption?
I’ve heard that some people adopt and feel as if they couldn’t love their child more.
My first foray into adoption was also a failure. There were two orientation sessions remaining for the year (July and Sept.) at the top adoption agency in the city. I went to sign up online yesterday and they’re both full; accepting no more registrants. Fcuk. I missed that boat too!
Shit.
Well, what about foster care? Nadia’s a big fan.
But will I be able to foster a baby that has Grandma Eva’s smile?
Grandma had 11 children, Mom had 3. Why can’t I have one?
Where did I go wrong?
Did the Chinese herbs mess me up?
There are 1.3 billion people in China, so the herbs work for some people, just not me.
What happens to a dream transferred? Does it fester like a sore? or does it implode, leaving a bloody mess?
Shut up. Shut up!
No, I have a better idea. Let’s take it from the top…
