Mommies Here!

Writing about my parental leave situation is  tricky because I don’t want to seem ungrateful, especially in light of the fact that I start a  four month parental leave next Wednesday. And I realize that I also run the risk of casting my employer in a negative light, if I say too much, which is the last thing I would like to do. Also, now that I’ve shown my face around here a few times, I feel weird letting it all hang out, but I’ll get used to it. 

I think it’s important that I  share a little bit about my experience  because it’s a huge  issue for all families and, hopefully, you will share too.

 From the moment I told my colleagues at work that Nadia and I  got “the call” about Baby Jay’s birth, everyone at my job has been extremely supportive. Let’s face it, the whole situation, could have led to some very awkward moments because no one at my  job knew that we were trying to adopt a baby; it just seemed to happen out of the blue. Fortunately for me, my job allows for 3 months paid parental leave for pregnant women, their spouses, and adoptive parents, which I know is extremely rare in this country, so it’s kind of perfect.

Even though I was dying to be with Baby Jay, I didn’t take my leave right away because  two weeks before Baby Jay’s birth, I was given some “very important” extra responsibilities for the summer and I knew that leaving abruptly would not be viewed favorably. Additionally, after looking into her leave policy, Nadia learned that she would be able to take some time off to spend with our son, so I knew that he would be in excellent hands–eventually.

 Given the emergency nature of the placement, Baby Jay, spent his first month with us with a beloved baby sitter  during the working hours. She has taken care of several children in our building over the years.  But, no matter who it is, it’s hard to leave your child with someone else, when you want to be on The One taking care of his every need. Obviously, in many respects, the care giving situation was less than ideal during that firts month, but Nadia and I muddled through the unexpectedly delightful first months of mommy hood, as sleep deprived as we are were.  

When I finally broached the subject of my leave with one of  supervisors, imagine my surprise when he told me that he would like me to consider delaying my leave a little further–like six weeks further–when my son would be about 5 months old. 

Huh?

Was this because my son was adopted? or because he has two moms? or was it just work -life politics circa 2010? Who knows? And, ultimately, who cares. I didn’t think about this one long enough to turn it into an adoption teachable moment.

Dear readers, you will be happy to know that with the backing of human resources, my wife, and many of my colleagues, I politely demurred. I will be on parental leave with Baby Jay from September 1 until January. Yes, my three months leave was extened to four months due vacation time  accrued and holiday office closings. 

 So, I am thrilled to have the time off to finally bond with my son after so many years of waiting for this miracle, but if I hadn’t stood my ground, it was have started after Baby Jay’s 5-month birthday. Even though I have ‘great benefits” my experience has made me curious about other people’s family leave experiences.

So leave a comment to let me know how about your family leave experience. I would love to hear how the initial ‘conversation’ went with your supervisor. Was s/he supportive? or did s/he fake a smile? Also, were you made to feel guilty for taking the time you need? If you are a non-bio parent, were you able to take any time? And, if you are an adoptive parent, how did/does your employer handle parental leave?

A friend of mine recently ( and graciously) gave me a box of size 2 dry max diapers–you know the kind. Since then my  son has had three accidents. And by that I mean peed through his diapers and clothes in less than 2.5 hours. WTF?  This was not the case before dry max technology.

What kind of  diapers do you use? And more, specifically, how long do they last?

Shout out to Puffer of Puffer and the Baby Fishies! And all the moms who have to deal with newborn sleep dilemmas.

Today we had our 2 month check up with the pediatrician and everything is going great. Baby Jay is 15.lbs! He is in the 97%, which means he is huge (!) for his age. I look at him and sometimes I want to cry because he is growing so fast. It was just yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital, weighing 8 lbs. I am very thankful that he is healthy and strong (!!!) but time is sure flying by too fast!

 Anyway, the doctor, who I really used to like until this visit, asked us how sleep was going. We told her that he wakes up every two and a half hours or so. And she said, “Well, a baby of his size is definitely ready to sleep through the night.”

Huh?

I know this may sound crazy but I have been enjoying our middle of the night feedings. Since I am still working full time, I really see that as our alone time and I actually look forward to it, though I am sleep deprived. Nadia, on the other hand, poor thing, is really suffering from lack of sleep. She is unable to concentrate and, at times unable to form a coherent sentence. I have been doing most of the sleep duty but that still doesn’t help her. So I am trying not to be too selfish with my desire to keep the night feedings going for a little longer.

Anyhoo, Dr. Preggo (’cause she is so preggo right now!) told us that this was the perfect time to start sleep training. “Just just put him down in his crib– in his own room– before he gets tired and let him discover how soothe himself to sleep.

She said, “babies don’t sleep through the night but they can learn to self soothe.”

Nadia asked, “well, won’t he be hungry?”

“Well, we are all hungry at night,” Dr. Preggo said, “but we learn to sleep through it. Once they learn how to self-soothe, they will be happy. You don’t’ want your 2 year old waking you up in the middle of the night do you?”

“Well, no,” I thought, “but isn’t there any middle ground between 2 months and 2 years?”

“So, while your training,” she said “no matter what you hear, you should be prepared to just leave him alone and let him cry until he learns how to self-soothe,” she said. She said that we will probably have three rough nights and then it will be smooth sailing.

“Smooth sailing? Who can live through three nights of Baby Jay’s crying? He is only two months old,” I thought.

While listening to her, I really felt like I was going to cry. This may sound crazy, but the thought of putting him in his own room at two months nearly sent me over the edge. I waited three years to have a baby and now it feels as if he is almost grown. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but  Baby Jay still sleeps in a bassinet in our room, though, to be honest; this is a bit ridiculous because I think that the max weight limit for a bassinet is– you guessed it–15lbs, so we have to do something.

Hence my dilemna: he is too big for a bassinet and, in my opinion, too big for a crib in his own room, far away from me.

Thankfully, this past weekend, my BFF gave us this really cool co-sleeper which will accommodate a boy of his size and beyond. While Dr. Preggo was sharing some of her ‘helpful suggestions’ about sleep training, she mentioned that even she didn’t put her baby in another room when they were doing sleep training; so why should we?

Anyhoo, Nadia noticed that I was really, really, really sulking quiet after that visit and she concurred that putting him in his own room right now was not ideal. But she said that “sleeping through the night is one thing I am really looking forward to.” She promised to look at the instructions for building the co-sleeper and that we ease into the sleep training this Friday.

Whew!

 I still have a few days to get used to the idea.

I feel as if it has been ages and ages since I sat down and really did a ‘real’ blog post that was longer and more thoughtful than a drive by. Since Baby Jay came our way, I have been playing catch up. God added water and we became instant parents. Baby Jay is nothing but a pure blessing from heaven but he came to us so quickly that I barely had time to get the right size diapers let alone the accompanying accouterments.

 Nadia and I are just getting around to putting his nursery together—2 months after his birth– and we are slowly starting to exhale.  I still feel overwhelmed when I go into a baby store but it’s getting better and that’s thanks, in large part, to many of you.

 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 Nadia and I are completely in love with Baby Jay. We are awe struck, really.

 But in the midst of my reverie, I feel compelled to share another teachable moment. Just this weekend, Nadia and I were getting ready to go on a picnic with one of my BFFs and her son, M, who is 4. We were in a corner deli often referred to as a ‘Bodega’ here in the city, getting food and drink for the afternoon outing.

 As background, just in case you didn’t know, Nadia and I live in upper Manhattan, which is not known for being ‘gay-friendly’. On the other hand, I have never experienced any outright discrimination in my neighborhood and I know a lot (!) of queer people who here so I walk very confidently around ‘hood. I never really think about what people are thinking of me so in some ways, I am a little oblivious, but happy.

 Anyhoo, this weekend we were all standing around the Bodega counter, when older black woman said to no one in particular “whose boy is this,” referring to Baby Jay. She looked at Nadia, my BFF and me and I looked back at her  a little sheepishly and she said to me, “Oh, this is your son. You can’t deny it. He looks just like you.” And I said, “well…” and Nadia gave me a look which seemed to say “don’t.”  

 I was about to say, “Well, he’s our son” but Nadia stopped me. Why? What was she thinking? Was she thinking, like I often do, that she didn’t want to deal with any “negative reactions.” Often times, I don’t come out to people I don’t know, not because I’m ashamed of who I am, but simply because I am just tired of dealing with other people’s bull. It can be exhausting to have to defend my life, when I’m really just trying to get a sandwich, you know?

 The woman went on to say, “You can’t deny your blood. He looks just like you. And they say that’s good luck when a boy resembles his mother.” After that we paid for our sandwiches and left.

 So that whole left me with a lot of mixed feelings.

 At first, I was really at a loss for words. Part of me was secretly thrilled that she thought he looked like me. Many people have said Baby Jay and I resemble one another and there is a part of me that experiences that as a badge of honor. I wanted to give birth to my own child for so long and now I have Jay and it just thrills me on some level that he is so gorgeous and wonderful and that looks like he could be my biological son.

 However, when we left the store, I heard Nadia say to Baby Jay, “you are my son too, don’t forget that.” And I felt horrible. I said to her “are you okay?”

 And she replied, “I don’t really care about what that woman said, but I’m worried about what will happen when Baby Jay get’s older. What will happen when he understands that he is adopted and how will he feel during those kinds of exchanges?”  

 Neither one of us wants him to feel ashamed of the fact that he has two moms and, of course, we don’t want him to feel shame about his adoption, so we do need to figure out what we are going to say to folks.

 It’s tricky because people really don’t have a right to know anything about my personal life; on the other hand, I want Baby Jay to be proud of who he is.

 What would you do?

Okay, so it has been about seven and half weeks since Baby Jay has graced our lives and Nadia and I have never been happier. The little one eats every three hours or so and we have been fiendishly trying to keep up with his demand for organic  baby formula. We weighed him over the weekend and he is about 14 lbs. We can’t believe it. He has almost doubled his size since we first met him and he shows no signs of stopping.

It has made me think that they put steroids in his formula. I am not complaining but, I’m just saying, lifting him has turned into  a real work out!

I promise to write a real long post soon but it’s hard to juggle work (yes, I am still working full-time until September) and the glorious demands of newborn. Fortunately, Nadia is home with him during the day now, so he is well fed, changed, and cared for.

More to follow soon. I promise….

xo