Teachable Moment: What Would You Do?
I feel as if it has been ages and ages since I sat down and really did a ‘real’ blog post that was longer and more thoughtful than a drive by. Since Baby Jay came our way, I have been playing catch up. God added water and we became instant parents. Baby Jay is nothing but a pure blessing from heaven but he came to us so quickly that I barely had time to get the right size diapers let alone the accompanying accouterments.
Nadia and I are just getting around to putting his nursery together—2 months after his birth– and we are slowly starting to exhale. I still feel overwhelmed when I go into a baby store but it’s getting better and that’s thanks, in large part, to many of you.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Nadia and I are completely in love with Baby Jay. We are awe struck, really.
But in the midst of my reverie, I feel compelled to share another teachable moment. Just this weekend, Nadia and I were getting ready to go on a picnic with one of my BFFs and her son, M, who is 4. We were in a corner deli often referred to as a ‘Bodega’ here in the city, getting food and drink for the afternoon outing.
As background, just in case you didn’t know, Nadia and I live in upper Manhattan, which is not known for being ‘gay-friendly’. On the other hand, I have never experienced any outright discrimination in my neighborhood and I know a lot (!) of queer people who here so I walk very confidently around ‘hood. I never really think about what people are thinking of me so in some ways, I am a little oblivious, but happy.
Anyhoo, this weekend we were all standing around the Bodega counter, when older black woman said to no one in particular “whose boy is this,” referring to Baby Jay. She looked at Nadia, my BFF and me and I looked back at her a little sheepishly and she said to me, “Oh, this is your son. You can’t deny it. He looks just like you.” And I said, “well…” and Nadia gave me a look which seemed to say “don’t.”
I was about to say, “Well, he’s our son” but Nadia stopped me. Why? What was she thinking? Was she thinking, like I often do, that she didn’t want to deal with any “negative reactions.” Often times, I don’t come out to people I don’t know, not because I’m ashamed of who I am, but simply because I am just tired of dealing with other people’s bull. It can be exhausting to have to defend my life, when I’m really just trying to get a sandwich, you know?
The woman went on to say, “You can’t deny your blood. He looks just like you. And they say that’s good luck when a boy resembles his mother.” After that we paid for our sandwiches and left.
So that whole left me with a lot of mixed feelings.
At first, I was really at a loss for words. Part of me was secretly thrilled that she thought he looked like me. Many people have said Baby Jay and I resemble one another and there is a part of me that experiences that as a badge of honor. I wanted to give birth to my own child for so long and now I have Jay and it just thrills me on some level that he is so gorgeous and wonderful and that looks like he could be my biological son.
However, when we left the store, I heard Nadia say to Baby Jay, “you are my son too, don’t forget that.” And I felt horrible. I said to her “are you okay?”
And she replied, “I don’t really care about what that woman said, but I’m worried about what will happen when Baby Jay get’s older. What will happen when he understands that he is adopted and how will he feel during those kinds of exchanges?”
Neither one of us wants him to feel ashamed of the fact that he has two moms and, of course, we don’t want him to feel shame about his adoption, so we do need to figure out what we are going to say to folks.
It’s tricky because people really don’t have a right to know anything about my personal life; on the other hand, I want Baby Jay to be proud of who he is.
What would you do?
We deal with this all the time (the two mom part anyway). Walking around with twins attracts more attention than I’d like but I usually don’t hesitate to say that “yes, they are twins and they are OURS”. Since one is blonde and one has darker hair sometimes people think we are just sisters, each with our own babies. So then comes the twin question (since we dress them alike), and then the “who’s babies are they?” question. We also live in California where it isn’t so unusual. We’ve never gotten a negative response though.
I think as time passes I am less and less upset over having to explain and it comes naturally and pleasantly. I want the boys to see that its no big deal and we have no problem identifying who we are. Our hope is that they in turn, will feel the same way.
1Oh, the many tricky bits of being out! I haven’t had to personally negotiate being out as an AP yet, but my plan is to handle it like I’ve handled being out as a queer person – think of some ‘pre-made’ answers ahead of time, and then go with my gut as to which one to use (or whether to engage more deeply). It’s a lot easier to handle intrusive comments if I’ve got an answer waiting in my mind, so I’m hoping this’ll work for a lot of situations, though I’m sure not all.
But, as your story showed, it’s not just about your gut, it’s about Nadia’s (and Baby Jay’s, though he’s probably got a little while longer to just be oblivious). Since his adoption is very tied to you and Nadia being his moms, it’s hard to find the paths that keep you proud of his adoption story while not drafting you as the teacher of Queer Adoptive Parenting 101.
2I think this is such a tough thing in a same-sex relationship but even more so since you’re in an interracial relationship. People who see little Jay with you or with Nadia are going to read him differently than if they see him with you and Nadia, you know? And I’m not sure what the best way to respond to that is because I’m pretty sure there is no best way! You’re going to just have to make sure you and Nadia have talked it out and are on the same page, that after interactions with this one you keep checking in to make sure you’re both comfortable with what you said and how (since you have no control over what the other person is saying) and then eventually Jay’s feelings on the matter will have to be taken into consideration too.
I know I didn’t really answer the question and our situation is different (since we’d be adopting a child old enough to definitely have an opinion!) but I think that just having a child with you will tend to out you more than being out in the world as a couple would, just because of the attention an adorable baby draws! I find that if I say we’re a couple in a way that makes it sound like the most mundane thing ever and that I don’t expect anyone to be surprised, people generally go along with that attitude and don’t make a fuss about it.
3generally, we just say “thank you” and keep it moving.
part of that, at least for now, is not wanting to constantly explain and then answer questions. that gets old, and it got old about 3 month’s into GP’s existance. so for now, we just say “thank you”. most times, we get the she’s so cute, she look just like you. that was interesting for TL, but again, we just got used to the thank you.
i agree, when GP gets older, we are going to have to come up with some more crafty answer so that it doesn’t seem like we are avoiding the subject. i think what will be a key part in it, perhaps is to tell the truth to GP that way she can correct people when they make “mistakes”. i figure the power of voicing that may be important for her.
what irks us more so than that is questions about her ethnicity. TL has decided that when someone asks an intrusive question about the child’s ethnicity, she will then ask them an intrusive question about their personal lives. hey, whatever works. the questions get annoying.
4oh, and to the “who’s baby is this” we give a simple “ours” and leave it at that. sometimes, we get, is she adopted. we simply say, no. i hope someone chimes in with a creative answer for children who are adopted when they get asked about it.
5“He’s ours”. Don’t explain or defend yourselves. My husband walks around with a black child and sometimes people just look quizzically and when he is with me, they just assume he’s mine. And when we’re together, I get comments like “Oh, your genes are so much stronger than your husband’s…” Sigh.
6I don’t have to deal with the same sex or mixed race question, but people still ask probing questions about our baby — it’s as if babies are public domain for everyone to admire and inquire about. sharing her adoption story is something I’m learning to do selectively. on one h and I’m proud of her story and her heritage, but on the other hand, it’s HER story and no one else’s business, really. we don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification.
a simple thank you or he’s ours should suffice, except the most nosy people. when someone says he looks just like you, you can also say “you think?” or “isn’t he beautiful?”
7It seems to me that Nadia felt invisible on two levels, and that was really painful for her. At the same time, i can understand the complicated feelings you were having–pleasure at being identified as Baby J’s mother, and just not wanting to get into it with a stranger, who perhaps you assumed couldn’t easily tolerate your families reality. I probably would have done the same thing, but I guess for Nadia’s sake, making her visible as J’s mother is pretty important.
8Oy. What a lot to wade through when you just want to go on a picnic!
Hmmm. I think -as deathstar and luna said above- a simple “he is ours” should give the nosy ones a wonderful answer. As you know from my history my (white) parents often get “the stares”… “is that yours? How come she is black?” Did you feed her too much chocolate? blablabla” For them it was hard sometimes. For me, it was comforting, this sentence “She is our daughter.” Period. A sentence which said it all. I felt loved, protected and secure, no matter how much ppl were staring. And still feel like this today….hope this is helpful..
a word to the sleep training…..letting a 2-month-old “soothe himself to sleep while crying…”"sounds very strange to me. And for the bed/crib/bassinet-problem…what about having him in your bed? Could that be an option?
9The thing is that Baby J will first watch you get these questions from strangers, but then, acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and even family. And eventually he will get the questions from his own strangers, coworkers, and friends. Talking to strangers about it is just practice for talking to people that actually matter. If and when I’m in your situation, I’m going to focus on role-modeling the response that will help him build the most social capital, it’s up to him which tact he takes when he is an adult, but I would want to teach him, as a child, to look people in eye, smile, answer questions briefly, but with generosity and then learn how to change the subject back to the questioner — because mostly people just like to talk about themselves anyway ;} My natural tendency is to be tight-lipped and avoidant, but my wife is really open and generous in public and I’ve really been delighted by our public experiences when it comes to dealing with homophobia and gender stuff — at the very least, we always walk away from situations knowing we were the better people. I’m hoping to follow her lead when the kids come.
10I can relate on the interracial part of the situation as I’m black and Chris is white. When Sammy is with me there’s no question he’s my son. When the three of us are together, people just assume he is biracial. When folks say how beautiful, alert, etc he is, we just say thank you. If we’re posed with he looks just like you (to me) from strangers, I usually say thank you, because I don’t feel it’s necessary to explain. When I get the same comment from friends who don’t know we’ve adopted, I always say he looks like his birth mom and tell him that we adopted. As for the two moms situation, I live in Philadelphia where it’s no big deal to see two moms, two dads, and/or all manner of bi-cultural couples
I agree with Deathstar. When you and Nadia are together, say he’s our son and keep it moving.
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