No Perfect Adoption Agency
When we started the adoption process last year after my last IVF failure, Nadia and I thought that working with a private attorney would be our best option. We would be able to interview birth moms and make an informed and empowering decision, while saving on agency fees. Unfortunately, things haven’t turned out exactly as we thought they would.
We are currently speaking with a birth mom but we’re unsure if that situation will work out. I was feeling anxious about things so I talked Nadia into attending an adoption agency orientation this past weekend.
This is the second one I’ve been to. All of the agencies I’ve “interviewed” present unique challenges. First, and foremost, we need to work with an agency that is more than just tolerant of gay families. Some agencies will accept an application from a gay or lesbian couple but they may not show our profile to a birth mom. So, when I was doing research last year, I identified three agencies that would pro-actively work with us: Agency A, Agency B, and Agency C.
Agency A was recommended by my lawyer, Britney. They have a good reputation with lesbian and gay adoption and they are one of the leaders of the open adoption movement. Open adoption is now an industry standard but Agency A was at the forefront of the movement. Needless to say, I was really excited to call them. When I called, I explained to them that my partner and I were interested in adoption and that I wanted to know about their process. The social worker responded with, “I’m sorry but we’ve reached our quota for gay couples.”
I was a little shocked.
“Your quota?” I responded.
“Yes, she replied,” we’ve found that it’s not good for us or you, for that matter, to have more than a certain number of gay couples on our books for too long. If you are interested in working with us, I can take down your information and get back to you in about six months.”
”No thanks, I replied.”
When I told my lawyer, Britney, about the exchange, she said, “Well, we have spoken to them about that policy in the past, but the fact of the matter is that they have certain business realities that we just need to accept. The fact that you are African American and Nadia is Latina may make a difference, though.”
Nadia and I decided to pass on that agency.
Agency B had an orientation for their African American and Latino program right here in the Big Apple. The room was packed with about 100 people and the energy in the room was really charged. The presenters were nice, but they laid out ‘their philosophy,” which included extensive paperwork and mandatory onsite meetings with our ’cohort’, which I think I could deal with. One of their rules, though, turned out to be deal breaker for both me and Nadia.
Agency B does not allow adoptive families to take the baby directly home from the hospital. After the baby is born she lives with a temporary family for about six weeks. The adoptive family is not allowed to see the baby during that time. They were very adamant about not even sharing any pictures before placement. Once the parental rights are terminated, the adoptive parents meet the baby, knowing that the baby is theirs forever.
Nadia is completely against this. When I explained their policy to her, she said, “No way!” If possible, we would both like to be present when the baby is born and, we would like to take the baby home from the hospital. We know that we may not have any control in the matter because babies come when they come, but we don’t want to work with an agency with a policy that won’t allow us to be there for the baby’s birth under any circumstances.
Since the orientation, Agency B has had adoptive parents call us, encouraging us to apply but Nadia is adamant about not working with them. So we moved on.
Both agency A and B would cost us about the same price. Agency C is a different story…
Nadia and I drove two and half hours this weekend to go to Agency C’s orientation. Last year, we met the agency’s social worker at the Adoption Conference held here in New York City and we really liked her a lot. They also do a lot of outreach to gay and lesbian couples and families, which we really appreciate.
Nadia and I were a little late because we got lost on the way there, but we weren’t too late. When we arrived, we joined about 20 people. The social worker was talking about home studies, going over the basics:
“No we don’t do white glove inspections.
No we don’t look in your kitchen cabinets.
Yes, you can have pets.
Yes, you can have guns in your home but you need to show us your gun license.”
I sort of tuned her out, because we had already completed our home study and, in fact, we’ve have been certified by the state of New York, so I had a little bit of a “I’m at the head of the class attitude” but I quickly got over that. There’s always something to learn.
This agency is based in six states: Connecticut, Virginia, New Jersey, Delaware and good ‘ol New York, so the proximity is awesome. We can drive to meet the birth mom. This agency does allow adoptive parents to bring babies home from the hospital and that makes us very, very happy. So, we can drive to the hospital to pick up the baby and drive the baby home. No trains, planes or road trips with this option!
Every year they have an annual picnic to bring together birth families and adoptive families together, and Nadia and I really like that. We see this as a great opportunity to connect with birth parents and to have a community of adoptive parents and children we can socialize with on a regular basis.
We love the social worker, we love the proximity, we love their outreach to gay and lesbian couples, we love their policy on open adoption, we love the fact that they would let us bring the baby home from the hospital.
So, what’s their problem?
One thing that I have issues with is the African American/Biracial program has a unique fee schedule. It differs from their White/Hispanic program by about $6000. It will cost us $6000 less to adopt an African American or biracial baby than it would cost my white counterpart to adopt a white or Hispanic baby.
This is something that really bothers me because it seems to put a different value on the lives of African American and Biracial children. Nadia and I have been talking about this for months. And we’ve looked at it from different angles. And I’ve decided that of all of the three agencies that seem open to gay adoption, this one fits the best.
The good news is that if we do go with them, we can jump right in. They will accept our home study and our profile, so we can be listed on their books in a relatively short period of time.
We are waiting and closely watching our current birth mom situation and if that falls through, we will probably sign up with agency C.
when we were looking into adoption agencies at one point, i noticed that price difference. and it wasn’t hidden – in fact a lot of these agencies list it on their website!!
i was shocked, floored, and amazed that you could actually value children like that. if i recall correctly, at this particular agency, biracial children were a higher premium than black children, which was also really odd.
i’m not sure why agencies do this, other than to keep black birth mothers coming in, by showing them success in their adoptions. and perhaps to get people who otherwise wouldn’t adopt because of the price, a little break on the price tag, for these kids over here.
honestly, it is offensive. and i would be anxious to hear why adoption agencies think it’s reasonable to do so. at some point, someone must have said that the benefits outweigh the feelings of worthlessness.
but all the plus factors make this the place for you. they will take your studies and you can get listed fairly quickly – all of these things are big! and the ability to pick the baby up from the hospital is huge! on the plane yesterday, i was watching 16 and pregnant, and it was interesting to get the viewpoint of adoption from teenagers.
i hope this new turn opens up many doors and windows for you both!
1C certainly does seem the agency to go with… but, UGGGH, the $ differential is really disgusting… now, i am never one to look down on a bargain, but in this case it seems SO wrong in EVERY way that there is a different value placed… i mean, how else can they explain it but that they see less value there. well, most important, we know they are wrong and we go with that.
2Good luck with the current conversation. I certainly hear you on the angst of choosing an agency. We’re starting with a local for a home study (I’m supposed to be working on our autobiography right now), but they’re not a full service agency and the Arizona population is not large so our options are limited as far as ethical agencies. We’re limited further by not being Christian and not being infertile (a second pregnancy is super high risk for me).
I can understand your concern about the last agency. Is it 6000 less for you as an African American and Latina couple? Is this based on placing children in families that might look more like their families of origin and some statement about average annual income of populations rather than the ‘value of a child’? It all kind of weirds me out, at many levels and am not saying that any of these proposed factors is a reflection of reality or valid, just trying to look at a variety of perspectives.
When I reflect on the money issue I am generally really bothered by the adoption process. I’m finding the whole money conversation going on in the Open Adoption Roundtable really interesting, although not necessarily particularly uplifting.
3Gosh, every time you post, I find myself wishing I could just call you up and have a chat. We’re in such similar places. We love our agency, had a lot of the same issues/criteria/concerns you do in our research process … 1) They are great with the gays. 2) They let adoptive parents decide if they take the baby home from the hospital, knowing that in our state the birthmother has 72 hours to change her mind. We actually don’t think we could do it, take the baby home and then have it removed, so we’ll probably wait out the 72 hours before taking the baby home, but our agency has a nursery staffed with medical professionals and grandparent baby holding volunteers for that time period/gap. 3) We are in the program for African-American adoption and it does cost less for us, but the agency is very clear that it costs the SAME for them, a baby is a baby is a baby, but that they have a foundation that SUBSIDIZES African-American adoptions because historically AA babies were harder to place. So all the paperwork shows the costs as the same for white and black babies, and then the subsidy from this foundation, resulting in a lower bottom line for us, but being clear that it is because of the generosity of this foundation that subsidizes, not because the babies “cost less.”
4I can imagine it would be really hard to pick through agencies, and i totally agree that you should be able to take home the baby right away! It makes no sense for their to be a thrid party involved.
One of the reasons we went the surrogacy route instead of adoption was our low possibility of doing a private adoption (we’re caucasian anti-catholic) so it doesn’t make us very appealing to birth moms.
Hope that you get some good news from this birth mom.
5wow, where to begin. quotas? sheesh. and six weeks is an awfully long time to have the baby in temporary/foster care and not be able to see him/her. I can understand wanting some kind of buffer/waiting period, but that’s just wrong and not ideal for the baby either. agency c seems like the best fit, but the fee schedule is troubling. what is it with people?
6Oooh, I’d bet $20 I know exactly who Agency A is. If it’s the one I’m thinking of, there are other reasons I’d steer clear of them (personally speaking).
One of our criteria when we were selecting agencies was that they not have a race-based fee structure. Our (AA) daughter’s adoption process actually cost quite a bit more than our (white) son’s, which people are sometimes surprised to hear.
It’s not easy picking an agency, is it? I’m glad you found a potential one that seems like a good fit for you.
7Sorry to “crash” this post. I just stumbled upon it. Most agencies have a difference in fees for adopting African American children (some also have a different fee structure for older children and children with special needs). It is very sad that this is a reality. However, it is not about valuing these children any less. It is a very complicated issue. The majority of families who seek to adopt are caucasian, heterosexual couples who want to adopt a child of their race. It is very difficult to attract African American, Interracial, and Latino couples. I don’t know if it is something cultural or what.
I work with birth moms, and when I ask them about what type of family they would like for their child or show them profiles, most of the time they express a preference for someone of their own race. Often times the agency I work for does not have families of the same race to show to our African American or Latina clients. Sometimes we don’t even have Caucasian families that are open to adopting another race.
The reduced fee structure is, like someone else said, often just a subsidy from an outside source to help attract families from minsority populations. In our case, the state provides the subsidy. Like previous poster said, it costs the same to us, we do the same amount of work with all the parties, we provide the same quality of service, we just get this subsidy from the state and we pass that on to the adoptive parents as a reduction in their fees.
It is certainly not about attracting more African American birth moms. Our expectant clients do not know (though I’d tell them if they asked) how much our adoptive parents pay in fees. And I provide the same service and quality of service to all my clients, regardless of race.
Anyway, I hope that explanation helps. Unfortunately, money is, and probably always will be, a huge issue in adoption. It is important to find an agency that you feel handles the money issue as ethically as possible, but sometimes it is a fine line.
8With the exception of the fee schedule, agency C sounds like a great one to work with. Sadly, from what I’ve heard, the less expensive fees seem to be standard throughout the industry.
I really hope you ladies have a successful adoption soon.
~ICLW
9It’s really amazing how much $$ and cents impact the world of adoption–I can understand why it is so controversial because in the end we all just want to be parents and first families just want families for their little ones. Money just seems to muck it all up.
I would go with agency C, and because your family is unique (as in, not white, heterosexual seeking only healthy white babies) I pray and believe that you will have a little one very soon. I hope this isn’t offensive to you–not my intention at all. Good luck with the decision and your journey!
Happy ICLW!
10It is pretty common to have the child go to temporary care until the birthparents relinquish their paternal rights. This I don’t have a problem with because the birthparents can change their minds about the adoption during that time. What I do NOT agree with is that you wouldn’t be able to visit the child. That is very strange. I am a birthmother, and visited my baby while she was in temporary care both alone and WITH the adoptive parents!
The adoptive parents of my child were not at the hospital because they lived out of state. Looking back, I am glad they weren’t there. The hospital was the only time I got to be that child’s mother, and I’m not sure if I would have resented them for being there during that time.
Also, leaving the hospital without my baby was the most ultimately horribly painful experience of my life. I wanted to die. I am glad the adoptive parents weren’t there, again, because I’m afraid I would now associate them with that oh so terrible moment.
I hope you find an adoption agency that works best for you! I know open adoption is so different for each birthparent and adoptive parent. I’m wishing you the best on your journey!
11Gosh – what a choice! Agency C does seem like the best bet; but the $ thing is awful. When I read things like that I am glad I am in the UK, although adoption of babies doesn’t happen, the only cost we MAY occur is court costs for the final adoption and that doesn’t often happen.
As always – good luck!
12Re: comment #8 – Call me cynical, but I don’t really buy the argument that the reduced fees for adopting non-white children are subsidies to attract adoptive parents of color. If that were true, then only parents of color would pay the reduced rate. But instead, at most agencies with race-based fee structures, the reduced fee applies to any adoption of a non-white child, regardless of the adoptive parents’ race.
Not to mention the piece that often gets left out of this discussion: are some agencies charging more than they need to for adoptions of white children, simply because they know the market will bear it?
It’s difficult for me to think of any reasonable justification for a fee structure based on the child’s race.
13wow. I had no idea there could be so many differences between agencies. I am blown away about the difference in cost. just. wow
14I’m finding it so difficult to pick an agency as well. Two of the agencies that we have looked at have special programs for African-American babies – although both have said that it is related to the children having grants or foundation monies to help facilitate their finding families. It’s a tough thing to think about, really.
I’m wishing you guys luck!
15Yes, I do think it’s because there are fewer African American families than Caucasian families to adopt children. Have you checked out the price differences in foreign countries? When we first looked over the info from our adoption agency (and we had VERY little choice, there is only one private one in our city), we noticed that we could adopt from the Phillipines for only $8K!
16Choosing an agency is tough for sure. We were fortunate to adopt in a province that has some fairly standardized practices among the agencies so some of these factors that you describe being a part of your decision didn’t factor into ours.
I do understand on one hand, the desire to know your child from the very beginning. It truly was a benefit for us and I completely understand that being a big part of the decision for you. I guess the policy of respite foster care for the first several weeks is quite understandable as well, from a practical standpoint. It does seem like a long time, but would be another barrier to any type of coercive behavior by agency or others while the new mother is finally and fully considering her decision to place her child in another family.
And the fee schedule… I hardly know how to comment on that as it seems like a practice that is impossible to defend on any front. As does the “quota” policy.
I hope you find the right agency to work with for building your family, and that your hopes in adding a child to your family will come true soon.
Tammy
17Here from ICLW