This Week’s Teachable Moment: The Ones Who Love You
Okay, as I’ve said in several recent blog posts, Nadia and I just returned from a trip to the Caribbean (see gratuitous photos to prove it!) where we spent time with my family. I was really, really nervous about introducing my conservative, Christian family to my wife and telling them about the adoption but, I have to admit, I actually learned something last week.
First, let me say, the one of my aunts, in particular, was really great. She spent a lot of time with us and went to a lot of trouble to make us both feel comfortable. And please keep in mind that I had not seen her in over 10 years. She drove us around site seeing and really went out of her way so that we could experience all of the local venues and foods the island had to offer.
Nadia was really funny because she was sitting in the back seat of my aunt’s car for most of the time (by choice) and she would often reach around my seat belt and grab my arm, without my aunt noticing, to give my arm a tug. I later learned that this was her way of encouraging me to ‘dish’ with my aunt. She confessed that it was excrutiating to sit in the back seat and listen to ’small talk’ when there seemed to be so much to talk about.
At any rate, in true form, I waited to the last possible moment to talk to my aunt about the adoption; and I do mean the last possible moment. The night before we were scheduled to leave on an 8AM flight off of the island, we had diner at the beach at a wonderful, intimate restaurant. We had wine, followed by appetizers, and then dinner, during which time, Nadia kept kicking me under the table and then–finally– after the dinner plates were cleared and before dessert came, I began.
“So how does adoption work here,” I asked my aunt, trying to sound nonchalant. And she responded with a very interesting story about how she had always wanted to adopt another child after her husband died. She went into about 20 minutes of detail, but to make a long story short, she told me how she went to an orientation and filled out some preliminary paper work but then she never heard from that agency again. As follow-up, she made several inquires but she was never able to make it to the next level, despite the fact that the adoption workers kept telling her that they had mailed her all the forms necessary to move forward. While she was talking, I kept asking her a lot of detailed questions about her experience, and Nadia would look at me with glaring looks, as if to say, ‘Get to the point. Stop procrastinating!”
I’m not sure if I was dragging the whole thing out at this point because I was enjoying Nadia’s torture, or because I was still anxious about telling my aunt (probably a little bit of both) but I finally took a deep breathe and said, “well I’m asking because Nadia and I are going to adopt a child.” Exhale.
And then it went something like this:
Aunt: Really, what age?
Us: Infant
Aunt: “boy or girl?”
Us: We don’t get to choose.
Aunt: Are you going to adopt a child from Haiti?
Us: Well, we would love to but we can’t because we can’t adopt internationally.
Aunt: Oh, really? They won’t let two women adopt internationally?
Us: No, but domestically it won’t be a problem.
And it was really a very mundane conversation at that point. In the end, once all of her questions were answered, she told us that she “really, really hoped that it would go okay for us. And that she was happy for us.”
It wasn’t a big deal.
Yippee!
And I learned something that night.
First and foremost, I learned that I wasn’t the first person to think about adoption in my very conservative, blood-is-thicker-than-water family. After our conversation, I thought of my December post about The Blanket and how I had worked myself into a frenzy feeling all nervous about how my family would respond about the adoption and I learned that if I take more risks, maybe I will get more rewards. I also learned that, as Toshi Reagan says, “the ones who love you, never have to try.”
Click here for Toshi’s song: The Ones Who Love You. It’s beautiful.
first off- the photos here are stunning! I hope you share more.
as for the talk with your aunt- awesome! And huge! I know it has to be a relief to have had The Talk and have it go well.
1xo
I love happy endings:)
2“. . . if I take more risks, maybe I will get more rewards. I also learned that, as Toshi Reagan says, “the ones who love you, never have to try.”
These are the lessons my life keeps trying to teach me over and over again, too. Isn’t almost anti-climactic when you dont have walk out of the room crying or fight for your right to . . . insert right here?!?!
3Your photos are stunning, I definately agree you have to share more.
~Stopping by for ICLW~
4learning from you how to be more expansive on this journey. thanks.
5Hope you had a fantastic vacation! Its lame you cant adopt internationally! ICLW
6I have faced very similar fears with my waspy father, and each time, he has totally suprised me with his excitement aobut me having a child and not really caring where it came from. I think we internalize and make rules out of things that the ‘adults’ (at the time), know are a lot more flexible. I’m so glad your aunt and your father are on board!
7So pleased that you had a positive response! I love the ‘more risks = more rewards’ philosopy and the photos are gorgeous.
8This is amazing! Thanks so muck for talking about your journey. Our new site, goodkin (www.WeAreGoodkin.com) profiles families just like yours. Come check us out when you have a chance.
9Thanks!
Glad your family is on board with your adoption plans. And I really loved your pictures from your trips. They’re gorgeous. Makes me even more eager for the cruise that we are planning on taking next spring or summer.
ICLW
10The pictures are AMAZING!!! What a great conversation with your aunt. I am glad that you found some kindred thoughts in your family.
11Such a lovely story. Your aunt sounds amazing. Beautiful photos. I hope the rest of your visit home was equally great.
12Wishing you the best in your adoption journey. Awesome photos man. Happy iclw.
13That’s wonderful! So happy to read this.
My family is not so conservative, but I still worried about how how they would react to me deciding to become a single mom by choice. There was certainly some surprise, and some curiosity (and explaining necessary) about donor embryos, but the bottom line is that there is a new family member to love.
14its always great to have the supportof family, sounds like the conversation went well!
15very happy that the conversation went so well!
your pictures are wonderful.
ilcw
16Just stopping by from ICLW. What an awesome read about your conversation with your aunt. I wish you and your Nadia all the best in your quest to adopt a baby
17I too was very nervous when we first broached the subject of adoption with my husbands rather conservative family and was surprised by how supportive they all were.
18All the best for your journey into adoption.
ICLW
Oh I love that you had such a fantastic trip, and that you got to torture Nadia a little (just kidding!). How wonderful that your conversation with your aunt went so beautifully–I love it when relatives surprise us with their support. I’ve had that happen and it’s amazing how much closer you can feel to that person when you were so nervous about it before. The anticipation, and thinking about all the things that could go wrong, is always worse than the experience itself, I’ve found (my shortcut for that is “nausea is worse than vomiting”).
19Glad to hear that your aunt was so supportive and didn’t freak out over your adoptions plans
20Your pictures are so stunning! It’s always nice to get extra support in places you weren’t quite expecting. Good luck you your adoption journey!
iclw
21Don’t you worry about your family – if they love you – I guarantee they will love your child. I’ve discovered that a newborn can melt even the crustiest heart!
22It is so wonderful when we are pleasantly surprised by the people we love. I am so glad to hear they were open and accepting.
~ICLW
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