An Awkward, Teachable Moment?
This week’s column is a little different than the others. I”m not sure if this a teacable moment or just an awkward moment but here goes…
I was having lunch with three clients I was meeting over lunch for the first time. They were all friends. During lunch, they spent some time talking about skiing, their husbands, and grandchildren before we got down to business. While they talked about their personal lives, I chimed in from time to time, but I certainly didn’t dominate the conversation, since I didn’t feel as if I had much to contribute.
I work in a very family friendly environment where discussions about family are very common place between colleagues as well as between professional staff and their clients. So I see why they felt justified initiating a conversation about my family
At one point, towards the end of the lunch, after we had finished the business portion of the conversation, one of them turned to me and said, “I’m just amazed at how many single women are having babies, either through adoption or through artificial insemination. Is that something, you would, um, consider?”
And I said, “well, I”m not single, I’ve been partnered for 10 years now.”
“Oh, wow!” they chimed, almost in unison.
“Soooooo, have you every thought of having a family?”
“We’ve been thinking about it,” I responded.
“Well, if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?” one of them asked.
“Um, I’m going to be 40 in two months.”
“Well, um, you don’t have much time,” another said.
“Yes, I know.”
It was awkward, because I didn’t want to reveal my ‘true identity’ as a woman who had been trying to get pregnant for several years. I just sort of smiled, and diverted my eyes.
“Thanks,” I said, dying inside.
“Having a child is one of the best things that can happen to you, you know,” another one offered. Now, like all of the other ‘moments’ I know that they are very well meaning, but I felt that last comment in my gut.
As I write this, I realize that I often just dont’ say what I think in the moment, which I probably one of the reasons why I need to blog. In this instance, because they were clients, I didn’t feel comfortable getting more personal with them, I didn’t want to be vulnerable but, in retrospect, I wish I had said, something like, “it’s been very, very hard for us and we definitely, definitely want to have children.”
When I told Nadia about it, she told me that I should have said, “it’s complicated” and left it at that.
What would you have said?
Oh, I would have played it exactly like you did, but then come away with private, bottled up pain. Wish I were gutsier. xo
1Whenever we get that question my husband tends to say that we are working on it, and thats it.
But, if they push, he tends to say soemthing like “we’re having fun trying” or exactly what Nadia suggested.
Me, I say “yeah someday” sorta like you did and leave it with that.
2Honestly, I tell them the truth b/c 1) it shuts them the hell up and 2) it gives them food for thought. Whenever I’m pressed about why I haven’t concieved, I’ll just say that I’ve been having difficulty trying. They usually realize what away how insensitive their assumptions are.
3I think that you handled it well, under the circumstances. I think it’s tough to be confronted with these questions, especially since these women were married to men and you are in a same sex partnership. There are a lot of power dynamics floating around. Also, you were at a work related lunch so it could have gotten awkward if you had been too blunt or forthcoming, despite their rudeness. It’s unfortunate how many assumptions people make and they don’t even realize it. Well done.
4I cannot say that I would have done anything differently based upon the situation; however, when I can say something I tend to say, “we have been trying for a long time and it hasn’t been going well.” I love to see people’s responses: they tell me a great deal about the kind of person I am dealing with and whether they ever get the whole story. By the way, don’t those “you don’t know how wonderful your life will be” comments stab you in the heart?! I always feel like some sort of infertility sensitivity advocate when I “come out” about my issues. I like to think that I can make people feel uncomfortable enough that they will never make such insensitive comments again. Small victories.
5I end up telling people WAY TOO MUCH, just to shut them up, but this was a work situation, so I would have been out of line. However, I really like Nadia’s suggestion.
6I would have done what you did too. Especially since they are clients there are just somethings that will never be any of their business to know.
7It sounds as if you handled the situation very professionally. Much more so than their asking your age and reminding you of the proverbial ‘ticking clock’, I might add.
8I am uncouth and would have recited my entire blog to them.
9I guess it all depends if you feel they deserved more honesty or not. If you are not that invested in them and they are not invested in you, why should you gift them with very private, painful information. You did well.
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