Help Needed with This Week’s Teachable Moment: Donor Egg vs. Adoption
Okay, so this time I need your help because I wasn’t sure how to respond when I tripped over this week’s adoption moment.
I was speaking with an adoptive mom who happens to be a very notable infertility to adoption specialist about a lot of my issues, including my mother’s death, my tensions with Nadia over the years, and my fears about adoption. One of the questions that I had was about donor egg cycles.
Let me explain…
I have to admit that I’ve never considered doing a donor egg cycle. Besides the prohibitive out of pocket expense, I really wanted to get pregnant and have my own biological child to maintain a genetic connection with my deceased mother. After three failed IVF cycles and countless IUIs, I’m willing to move on to adoption, but I must admit that I was curious about the appeal of donor egg. So I asked this specialist, “Tell me more about your experience in treating women and families who have conceived with donor eggs. I’m really just curious because I don’t know that much about it.”
She told me some interesting facts about how children who were born from anonymous donor egg cycles are often very curious about their siblings, as opposed to their biological mothers. She said that donor eggs cycles allow for in vitro bonding between mom and baby. And like donor egg cycles, they allow for individuals to have more control over the genetic makeup of their child.
And then she went on to say, “You know, you have access to a better gene pool.”
“Excuse me?” I said. Because I thought that either I misheard her or maybe she had made a poor choice of words.
“Well,” she continued, “many children who are put up for adoption in this country are born into poverty and into very unstable, economic situations and their part of a cycle of poverty. You know,” she went on “most of kids in special education in New York City are adopted.”
And I really didn’t know what to say to her. I really didn’t know how to respond. I can only say in hindsight I wish I had told her that what she said made me really uncomfortable and that I don’t believe in social pathology narratives. I don’t believe that people who are poor are inherently deserving of their plight, nor do I believe that genes are the sole reason why poverty exists but, unfortunately, at the time, I wasn’t in the emotional position to develop a strong, cogent, response.
I felt as if she framed the discussion as adoption vs. donor egg, which is weird because she’s an adoptive mom, but I’m not sure where her kids are from.
Any advice?
I wish I did have advice, but I would have been just as deer-in-the-headlights if someone said that to me.
I can tell you, anecdotally at least, that as an educator I don’t really see what she’s talking about. I would agree that in many school, special education is full of kids who live in poverty, which I would suggest is true for a variety of complicated reasons. But adopted kids? I don’t see that.
1hmm, when I read it about the better gene pool, my eyes got big! Im not sure how I would have taken it, maybe she could have said you have a little more control over the genetics? not sure but I did find the fact about the children being more interested in sibs than bio mom, because of the bonding from pregnancy, that was something I had never thought about , either way, good luck on your journey to your baby!
2um, seems like she’s making up some correlations that may not exactly be fact based, especially considering her statements about foster children and special education.
i’m not sure if she is in the education system at all, but in my short experience (i’m in no way attempting to be an expert), i have found that most adopted or low SES students are in special education, not because of a lack of mental ability but because of family/emotional issues causing them to be withdrawn from the educational experience. additionally, they tend to place the special education label on a lot of children in the foster system, due a lot to their circumstances. of course children who are missing a lot of school due to family issues or dealing with feelings of depression, ect are not going to be the most engaged in school. that doesn’t take rocket science.
but trying to draw a direct correlation to some access to a better gene pool by egg donation and the relationship of that compared to adoption is a bit far stretched.
i don’t know what i would have said to her on the spot, but i am happy that she revealed her true thoughts to you so that you know what you are dealing with. meanwhile, i’m curious to know what she thinks of her adopted children in regards to these areas…
3Is this your therapist, or just a random expert you were talkign to? I find the ‘better gene pool’ argument pretty icky. If asked I would say “more control over the prenatal environment” is part of my reason for wanting to do a donor egg adoption. I agree, poverty is not genetic. If she is your therapist, then it is ‘easy’ to bring it up, if not, hmmm. I guess you could just tell her you felt really uncomfortable with her generalizations.
4I think my first response would have been to ask if her adoptive children were in “special” classes. How strange for her to say that given her position.
She is right about one thing though, the bonding you have with a donor egg is equal to that you would have if you were pregnant with your own. I carried my wife’s eggs and so the twins are not genetically mine. I bonded with them from day one and to this day, they are both Mamas boys! I never even think about the fact that they aren’t “mine” per se, and in the begining it took my wife a bit to really “feel” like a mom and connect with them…it was weird because I thought being her eggs and all that I would be the one who didn’t feel connected.
5Wow, I think your surprise and discomfort at her “gene pool” comment are totally founded. Yikes!
I agree, a more apt framing of her thought could have been that with donor egg you have more control over the gestation of the pregnancy. What frustrates me about this [probably invalid] statistic of hers is that she seems to be ignoring how many children there are in mainstreamed class settings who are both adopted, educationally successful and require limited accomodation. Could the prevalence of adopted children in SpEd classes have anything to do with a general increase in adoptions in general? It’s just too fuzzy for her to make such an assertion.
Happy ICLW!
6Wow, that is quite a controversial statement. I don’t know enough to debate the validity of it, but on face value I can see why it would be tough to respond to. In giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she’s just one of those really blunt people who are just a little too honest. Its tough all around.
Happy ICLW
7Um, i so do not have any advice, sorry girl. If she was telling that to me I think i would have walked away, rude yes, but I would not know what to say.at.all. Anyway best wishes in your search for your baby, how exciting! Happy ICLW..
8This post has been sitting with me ever since you put it up. There are so many emotionally-charged issues that I think most people don’t even know how to talk about them. To be honest, I also feel uncomfortable but in the interest of an academic discussion I will list the issues other people have not:
1) race- most egg donors (at least in my area) are white and as you know choosing a “white only” child from adoption slows down the process considerably.
2) prenatal issues- a) most people living in poverty do not eat as well as people in higher economic statuses. Fresh fruits and veggies cost more money thus many people living in poverty often subsist upon processed foods with low nutritional content. Donor eggs allow people to better control prenatal health. b) people with less education are more likely to smoke during pregnany and get poorer prenatal care c) poverty and substance abuse are a viscious cycle. Adopted children are more likely to have prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, increasing the liklihood of learning and emotional difficulties. My guess is that adopted children are more likely to end up in SpEd but not as a result of poverty— as a result of some of the co-effects of poverty.
3) for me, donor eggs were the option of 1st choice because I desperately wanted the experience of being pregnant and giving birth. Of course this seems to no longer be an option but hopefully I will get to know my 1st child/children as Joey carries them for us.
These are the issues I think people can legitimately consider when deciding between donor eggs and adoption. Hopefully I will have a child from each source in a few years and can compare.
9Thank you all for your honesty; it really, really means a lot to me. In fact, I really can’t put into words how much your comments have really touched me. Thanks again!
10Hi, I found your blog via a post you made at Adoptive families. I really like what I have read of your writings so far. Anyway, on to this particular post….
I have no idea how I would have responded, but I am appalled at the comments made. The woman in question somehow managed to generalize and malign mothers who place children for adoption domestically, children who are placed for adoption domestically, and children in both the foster care and special education system all at once. No small feat. I am the adoptive mother of a brown baby boy. I am also an educator and the daughter of a mother who has devoted her life to special education. I do understand these personal attributes may make me a bit sensitive to the comments made, but really, they were awful comments.
11Great Post…..
I found your site on stumbleupon and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!
Thanks for sharing….
12A better gene pool? Do you mean a whiter gene pool?
This comment coming from an adoptive mom makes me cringe the way I cringe when people on Guat-adoption message boards make negative comments about Guatemalan culture – and this is your children’s heritage you’re talking about.
I think the flies coming into my dropped open mouth might have been a commentary on what I thought of her statement. I’m not sure I’d have come back with a clever comeback.
13I don’t know how I would have replied, but after investigating donor egg, I know it’s a path I do not want to take. While sperm donors tend to come from all levels of society, women who want to donate eggs are generally those who are financially desperate. (Check out the profiles on donor egg websites sometimes–these are women who generally have low paying jobs and/or obviously need money). I don’t blame them for wanting compensation for their eggs;what I’m saying is that buying an egg feels more exploitative than buying sperm. I felt like I would be taking advantage of someone and making them go through hell. Donating sperm is just not that traumatic. A lot of egg donors are also actresses and models and they have pictures of themselves from their modeling portfolios on the donor egg sites. In some, they are dressed in lingerie or revealing clothes. I felt like a man picking out an escort when I looked at the pictures. It made the whole transaction aspect of the process stand out. Good luck with adoption. We may pursue that.
14Wow. As someone who does not want to pursue the adoption route, I find her statements very disturbing! Ick!
ICLW
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