Innocent, Teachable Moments
Even though it hasn’t been that long, since I stopped trying to conceive and started down the adoption path, during this short period, I’ve heard a lot of ‘comments about adoption’ from people that could be my BFFs. Many people, including me, have deep seated biases against adoption, and discovering that about myself and others has bothered me.
So, I’ve decided to dedicate Monday’s to “Teachable Moments”, growth opportunities for me and my friends; right now I have about six weeks worth of material soooo… let’s begin.
I was having lunch with a newish friend, not quite a BFF, but she could become one, I suppose. We hit it off really well at a work party, and since our offices are close to one another, we started having lunch together on a regular basis. One day at lunch, I was feeling like I wanted to “talk”.
It had only been about a week since my last IVF cycle was canceled and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was hard for me to sit across the table from her and not share what was at the forefront of my mind—”Holy Crap! We’re going to adopt!”
Since I didn’t know her that well, however, I started off gently, testing the waters.“Nadia and I are thinking of adopting an infant,” I said while sticking a piece of lettuce in my mouth.
“Oh,” she replied, , you don’t want to have any of your own children?”
“Ouch”, I thought. And said, “Well, I don’t think that’s going to happen; we’ve been trying for years.”
There, I said it. And my sense of failure hung in the air, as I kept munching on croutons, but there was something else that was hanging alongside my failure—fear and bias.
I must admit that she was very sweet about my ttc failures. We talked about it and she admitted that she never wanted to have kids but that she admired people that adopted because there are so many kids who need homes in the world.
It was a perfectly fine exchange, but her comment still stung. It pained me to hear her make a distinction between having my own child and adopting; particularly in the midst my own doubts about how I would feel about a little adopted one. And, when I think about that lunch, I feel bad that that I didn’t say more at the time. I feel ashamed that my only response was “well, that’s not going to happen”, validating her assumption that adopted children are different, inauthentic.
At that time, I was harboring thoughts and that my adopted child could somehow be different, not truly my own because their DNA would be different. I had doubts, after all, I had been obsessed with getting pregnant for three years, and I still had/have a lot to work through about ending that pursuit. Don’t get me wrong, hers was an “innocent remark” and I countered with an “innocent response”, it was just a simple lunch exchange, but our “innocence” packed a powerful punch.
Since that lunch I’ve started to fantasize about a little one, Little Wing entering our lives, and because of those fantacies I’ve replayed that exchange several times in my mind. Eva, how wouldy you answer that question today?
I know that next time I’m asked I will respond differently. I have to. I don’t want Little Wing to enter my life with my baggage. I want him or her to feel completely legit from the start, so I’m going start creating that space for him or her in my heart and in my actions, words and deeds right now.
So next time I”m asked, “don’t you want to have your own children?” I might say, “well, an adopted child would be my own child, but Nadia and I have been trying to get pregnant for about three years and have decided to stop trying. This is just different path. And we’re very excited.”
Next time, if I say that, I know that I’ll feel better about myself and the lessons that I’m learning and creating on behalf of Little Wing.
We are on the same page, yet again.
1I’ve been having all sorts of adoption dreams, as has Dave (although his are about me adopting without his knowlegde–a bit of a nod to the fact that I’m further along this line than he is).
I think that even if we are sucessful with DE/DS, when people know, there is going to be that sort of reaction about “your own” etc.
I think that for people who don’t go through what we have, wanting our ‘own’ children, when we ourselves had of necessity, and innocence a narrow definition of that idea, that any child we have will be our own. We can’t help it. More than a person who has a child without travail, we have to learn that our children live in our minds first.
I think that adoption is one of the most amazing and special things a parent can do. I have known a good many people, both as adults and babies, that have had amazing lives through adoption and fostering. I found this poem awhile back that really rang true for me. (I wont be biologically related to the child we are currently trying for.) Just thought I would share. Best of luck to you!!!
Not flesh of my flesh,
2Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.
I love that you are doing Teachable Moment posts. Can’t wait for the next one
3Yippee for Teachable Moment posts. I love this post. It makes me feel happy to think of your Little Wing circling and just waiting to land. I hope it’s soon.
4I told you that you will be a great mama. You already are.
I heart Little Wing.
5I love your “new” response. You make good points. People don’t usually mean to be thoughtless or upsetting but so often people who “don’t get it” can say things that stab us in the heart. Little Wing will be so very lucky when he/she meets their mamas. And they will grow up knowing that although they were not your “first path”, they are so much more than a consolation prize…. he/she will be the child you are meant to love and raise.
6I love that you have your response ready, and that you are making that safe haven for your soon to be little one. We didn’t adopt but when I mentioned that I was going to carry my wife’s egg, a good friend of mine at the time said that I would never love her baby the same as if it were “mine” isnt that crazy. She actually said that to me! She didn’t even think there was anything wrong with what she said. Some people have no clue. I carried anyway, and I love these boys more than anything in the world. Genetics only takes you so far, being a Mama about so much more than blood.
7Smart on you to be prepped for next time–your response is really smart and thoughtful.
Little Wing, wherever he/she is, is one incredibly lucky kid to have you as its mamas.
8I love your Monday teachable moments. I am looking forward to them.
9Hey again,
10Just found out that some friends of mine have decided to adopt, and I want to add some more adopting blogs to my reader. Any good ones you can recommend?
When we first started thinking about adoption, I worried about whether an adopted baby would really feel like mine. But we adopted our darling baby boy eight months ago, and I promise you, when you hold that sweet baby in your arms, biology couldn’t matter less. He is miraculous and 100% the baby of our dreams. After 3 years of TTC, I finally have my answer to why we went through all of that–because if we hadn’t, we wouldn’t have found our way to him, and he was absolutely meant to be our son. Good luck in your adoption journey–may your baby find you soon!
11This is a very sensitive handling of this subject matter. It is sensitive to adopted children. It is sensitive to people who have little knowledge of adoption. And it is sensitive to countless people who have been unable to conceive and wonder if they would be good adoptive parents while they have a corner of their hearts that is broken. You are a gem of a writer.
12I too like your ‘new and improved’ response to the question about having children of your own.
I was actually asked the ‘do you have any kids of your own’ question (yuk) at a baby shower (double yuk) by a woman who overheard me talking about my son and was interested in adoption because she had been having a difficult time conceiving. I answered with ‘I’m not able to become pregnant’, partially because she had just shared her infertility and I wanted to make her feel less alone, and partially because I knew she innocently meant ‘biological’ when she said ‘own’. She was sharing vulnerable information and I didn’t want to make her feel bad by correcting her.
But I, like you, really felt bad about my response. It was incomplete and inaccurate and disrespectful to my son, who I am crazy in love with.
13It’s an innocent comment that comes from ignorance. You’ll get used to hearing it over and over. I say I’m not able to conceive but I’m very capable of having children of my own.
14Once again you say what I’ve been thinking much more eloquently than I could have. I love your new response. I, too, struggle with this question (and my answer). Fortunately some people with whom we have shared our adoption plan haven’t even asked why we are pursuing this route (my father-in-law being one of them, bless him!) while others have said “aren’t you frustrated by all these people getting pregnant while you can’t?”. Well, the end result is the same and hey, I get to drink while I wait!
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