The Blanket
Last week, when I was feeling a little down about my infertility, a dear friend (of 1 is the new 4 fame)sent me the following text message…
”Sendin luv n stil keepin my son’s 1st baby blanket 4 my future adoptiv niecenephew. Luv u”.
Her words brought tears to my eyes. She has definitely been one of my biggest TTC supporters and I was worried how she would feel about me making the transition from trying to conceive to adoption. She and I went to high school together, and when I started the TTC, we dreamed about what it would be like for both of us to be pregnant at the same time. Now, that my TTC dreams have been shattered and, as Nadia and I struggle to create new adoption dreams, I was nervous about how people, like her, would react to my new normal, aka “adopting after infertility”.
In a simple text, she put a lot of my fears to rest. Her message was beautiful, not only because it’s wonderful to think that she’s been saving her son’s first blanket for me, but also because I now know that she won’t make a distinction between my bio-child and my adoptive child, which is one of biggest fears. I guess it all can be traced back to my family.
You see, my lesbianism makes me a ’sister outsider’ within my very Christian extended family and I guess that deep, deep down I was hoping that having a baby with my mom’s genes would soften them a bit. While I was actively TTCing, I wasn’t consciously aware of this, but I guess I was longing for their love and acceptance. Now that my TTC journey has come to an end, I find myself mourning those fantasies of reconciliation with my mother’s numerous brothers and sisters and the majority of my cousins.
My extended family is very, very into genes, lineage and family pride and, I guess, the fact that my adoptive child won’t have our genes means that I have to accept the fact that there may never be the rapprochement I was longing for. In fact, they might see my decision to adopt as just another crazy, offbeat pursuit that I’ve embarked on, along with a string of other offbeat failures, most notably my same-sex marriage.
Obviously, these are dreams and fantasies that I need to work through. Rationally, I know that any baby, even my own bio-child, may have never inspired the kind of love fest I secretly crave. So, I’ve identified yet another item I for the ’shrink catalogue’ to discuss in therapy.
Until then, I’m going to meditate on a new vision of me, Nadia, and our adopted baby, wrapped in a blanket of love.
I hear you.
I come from a devoutly Catholic family. My parents are dead, but my extended family has always viewed me as the weirdly liberal member of the family. When I came out, I just became weirder. Then I had a wedding and married a Jewish woman. Weirder still. I shuddered to think of what they might think about me choosing to have a child.
I definitely felt like the biology of our first child… the fact that I gave birth to him and he would be a bio relative of my father and therefore his family… would soften them. They might have a thing or two to say to me about my choice, but they would love my son. Blood is thicker than water in my family.
I do think they’ll welcome my next child, who is not going to be a bio relative of theirs. But I can understand your hesitation.
I hope your family will surprise you and will embrace any child you present to them as yours. I don’t know if that will happen, but I hope it will. My family is incredibly racist — and unapologetic about it — but one holiday my aunt was passing around photos of her niece who was clearly biracial and everyone oohed and ahhed. Ya never know…
Hugs. It sounds like this adjustment of your own wishes and desires is compounded by lots of things. I certainly consider any adopted child as much a child of his/her parents as a bio child. And you and Nadia will be amazing moms.
1What an amazing and sweet thing for your friend to say to you. It tears me up a bit. This whole TTC experience has made me realize that most people are not that sensitive and that the people who are truly sensitive are to be cherished for life. I am glad you have a few of those people in your day to day world.
As for the biobaby thing, yep! My family has aways seen me as odd even before I came out. Even though my fam and I arer still close, I thought that ME having a baby would make my parents love him/her more. I don’t know what their response will be to a baby birthed by Joey or a baby I might adopt (especially mixed race– which I would be fine with but they might stroke over). I think we all want to be utterly pulled into the fold and we never want our child to have that outside feel.
Also yesterday’s post touched me deeply. I was pondering and could not even respond after I read it. That was beautiful and you will be a wonderful minister because you have the ability to get to the heart of things so well.
2What a beautiful message your friend sent you. How wonderful to have such a close friend for so long.
My father is very much into lineage, genes, and our Swiss/Italian heritage. He’s not terribly supportive of our decision to pursue adoption. It kills me that he is not excited about our choice, but I have to move on from that.
I hope that your family comes around and sees your child as the embodiment of the love that you have with your partner.
Happy Tuesday.
3That text message made me a little misty. What a wonderful way to tell you that she supports your future motherhood, regardless of how you achieve it. I can’t wait to see a picture of your baby (or their toes or whatever you choose to post) in that blanket of love.
4Mmm, everybody just wants accepted and loved, it’s a pretty basic need. The hardest part of wrapping your mind around adoption is that it is NOT the same thing as having your own biological child – not in the fact that it doesn’t FEEL the same, just in the fact that there will be a different genetic link as to why his or her eyes or face or chin or nose looks the way it does. So if people are looking to see that as a way to open their hearts, they will be disappointed. But if they open their hearts as to tiny human being who just wants love and acceptance and family, they will be rewarded. Family isn’t just what you look like, but what you embrace.
5Aww, a very sweet text! I wish you the best of luck to you as you pursue adoption. I hope your family will surprise you and welcome your little one with open arms, just as your friend will.
6Yes, deathstar44, when I started on this journey, like most people, I definitely wanted a “mini-me” but that didn’t happen. So now, I look towards the field with expanded horizons, the field where I can lovingly embrace the little spirit that enters my world through open adoption. I’ll meet you there.
7One of my best friends went through 2 decades (and four husbands) of TTC before starting the adoption process. She just sent me a Christmas card last week with pics of her three little ones (ages 2, 3 & 4) along with the words, “It’s finally official — they’re ours!” Wishing you the best in this journey! — Linda (via ICLW)
8I think we’ve talked about this off line a bit, but I had some of the same needs from a bio/genetic child–I needed to give birth to my brother who died before I was born. I used to always assume I’d give my child his name as a middle name. After all this mishigas really got under way, and I realized that i wasn’t going to be able to be sure of having a genetic child I talked to my mom about it, and she was so suprised that I’d made that link for myself, and she absolved me of that job. that is different that your situation, but why your story sparked it was that I wanted a baby to do something, something it may have never been able to do anyway. I wish your family could accept and love you as you are, because you are marvel.
9I don’t know your family. But I am typing here in the den of my partner’s mother’s house. In South Carloina. About 250 feet away from their Pentacostal church. Again, I don’t know your family. But my partner’s brothers, who once called homosexuality an abomination to her face, even though they pretty much knew she is gay, they are all here. And they love my baby up, even though not one ounce of his blood is biological to them. And they love me, even though I am the white lesbian partner of their sister. They call me their “sister in-love.” I don’t know your family, but I hope they will do the same thing.
XOXOXO
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