Ambivalence
Well, I’m not sure where to begin. Nadia and I are considering our adoption options…
Nadia and I had a meeting with a lawyer last Wednesday and she was absolutely fabulous: warm, knowledgeable, funny, encouraging–everything you would want an adoption attorney to be. She was so excited about the fact that we were an African-American and Latino couple; she said that it was a real ‘bonus.’
I’m only mentioning that because its very rare that anyone in a professional setting considers either one of those traits to be a ‘bonus’.
And please don’t take the above statement the wrong way because I am absolutely thrilled to be black and Nadia loves being Latino and neither one of us would have it any other way. But, I’m just saying, it’s rare that someone at an attorney’s office makes a big deal out of it, so that was somewhat affirming.
This morning we spoke with a woman at an adoption agency and she seemed really great: committed, knowledgeable, funny, etc.
So we now have to decide if we will work with an agency or ‘network’, which means that we would have to identify the birth mom through networking –in all of the ways you can possible imagine– and, ultimately, we would get to choose birth mom on our own. If we decide to work with an agency, they would present us to a birth mom who would ultimately chose us but once that match is made via the agency that’s pretty much it.
Nadia and I are very open to open adoption, where we would have some kind of ongoing relationship with the birth mom. Some folks have compared this arrangement to a marriage, but we feel strongly that it would be in the best interest of our child, so we are leaning towards doing our own outreach so that we can have more control over the process, but we shall see.
I feel blessed to have the options that I have and blessed to have the resources to pursue these options. I also feel blessed to have a partner who has been so wonderful during this ‘transition’.
So why do I feel like crap?
Because no matter how “well” things are going and all the reasons why people say you “should” be happy with this great opportunity, it can never replace the fact that you’re still mourning (and rightfully so) the loss of the family that you hoped for, mourning the reality of infertility, mourning the “what ifs” and “maybes.”
Trust me, I completely get it. And am still there for the most part. So please don’t feel the need to paint a happy face for us. We love you and understand all the same!!
1Because adoption is not a cure for infertility.
Because adoption can’t take away the mindfuck that your body couldn’t get pregnant.
Because adoption can’t answer the curiousity of what it feels like to be pregnant
Because no one dreams about filling out paperwork or creating an adoption profile and its hard to plan a baby shower with an adoption
Mikey and I felt all this and we have other reasons (lack of money, no 2nd bedroom, age and health issues didn’t make us attractive to birth mothers) we decided against adoption.
2Yeah, what Nycphoenix said. But she is totally right. No matter how thankful we all are to have adoption as a way to build our families, that does not remove the hurt of not being able to get pregnant as easily as all the women who get pregnant accidentally. It is hard to give up a dream and begin another.
3In an ideal world, you could take time to grieve your own losses, and then pursue adoption when you were really ready. But adoption takes time, and you need to get going, so it sort of cramming yoru grieving in with your moving on, and it’s like being on a roller coaster going in two directions.
4((((hugs))))
Makes sense to me. I think one can feel blessed and still feel like crap.
You have a lot of wonderful things in your life and are pursuing becoming a parent with Nadia. That’s great and indeed, you are blessed.
But you are also grieving and suffering a loss and traveling a new path that is not easy and that was not your first choice.
I am sorry. Hang in there.
5I am new to your blog — found you when you found me — and just wanted to echo the comments above. adoption can be really overwhelming at first, and the uncertainty can make anyone wary, especially after the heartbreak of infertility. grieve your losses.
btw, we used an agency for our home study but did our own outreach which worked really well for us. it made me feel like I could DO something.
6It’s okay to feel like crap. Perfectly normal and you’ll probably have more days like that. It is what it is. Adoption and having your own kid are two completely different things no matter what anybody says. They are two different paths. It takes a lot to fully accept that.
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