The Egg Drop Post

So on Sunday, Nadia and I went to the adoption conference. There were over 150 people there and 90 workshops. It was like a cornucopia of workshops and speakers on the topic of adoption- domestic and international.

Of course Nadia and I will be going the domestic route. International adoptions are getting harder for everyone these days (except for Brang.elin.a) and for same-sex couples they are just  impossible. Years ago one gay person in a couple would have to adopt as a single person and then the couple would have to do a second parent adoption for the other half of the couple. Now countries are making social workers swear that the single person in their homestudy is, in fact, single.

Nadia and I would never bend our relationship status– and that’s not to take away from those who do–but under the circomstances, it goes without saying that we are going domestic.

Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am not a xenophobe but when it comes to our baby, I will be proud to wave the flag and shout: Born in the USA! or 100% American! Because this is the only viable adotipon option for us right now and I’m sooooo grateful for it.

Additionally, we feel as if there are lots of beautiful black and brown babies here in the U.S who we would love to mother and they tend to be harder to place. One agency even has lower rates for ‘full African American’ or biracial babies, and even though I welcome the cheaper rate, its also pretty sad. When I ask people what the wait time is, they always say, “well the wait time for an African American child is not that long.” I’m happy that I may not have to wait long, but I’m not sure what else I feel about that (fodder for another post, perhaps…)

At the conference, we sat in worshops about “open adoption”, “agency or private placement adoption”, “parenting over 40″, and “how to get a birth mother to pick you out of a gazillion online profiles”. We got there at 9AM and left at 5PM; needless to say, when we left we were a little overwhelmed with all of the info.

The feeling reminded both of us of the dog days of yesteryear when we were first learning about IVF and we had to learn the difference between a menopur vial and a gonal-f pen. And, as Nadia said earlier this morning, ”you learned that too, right?”

Well, in this case, I am a reluctant student but I guess I was also a reluctant student when I got on the IVF train and then I quickly became obcessed with all of the successful cycle indicators, like follicle size, E2 levels, etc. If the past is prologue, I will become obcessed with the adoption process too, but I’m not there yet.

At the conference, there were many times when I looked at the people sitting around me and thought to myself, what am I doing here? If anyone would have told me in March of 2007, when I started this quest, that I wound up at an adoption conference, I would have called them a dirty liar!

I was able to find solace in the fact that many people at the conference were in the exact same boat as me and Nadia. There were many questions that referenced unresolved fertility treatments, and facilitators who talked about the losses in adoption- for the birth mother, the baby and the couple that experiences the loss  ofnever having their own bio-child. Hearing the testimonies, questions, and insights that referenced our situation really made me feel better about my adoption ambivalence.

I was also happy to attend a panel on ‘non-tradtional’ families. This panel was all about lesbian and gay parents who had successfully adopted newborns, which was also very affirming. The little room that the conference organizers stuffed housed us in was packed with ‘expectant’ adoptive parents, like Nadia and me and it  felt good to be in community.

Tomorrow Nadia and I have an appointment with an adoption attorney who will give us specific advice on the particulars of our situation from a legal point of view. I made this appointment about a week ago and it just turned out that our lawyer was at the conference on Sunday and that we were able to meet her for the first time. She seemed really great and knowledgment but I will find out more tomorrow.

As we approach the Thanksgiving Holiday, I just want to be mindful of all that I have so I must add that I’m thankful to be able to move forward and very grateful to have the resources to do so, but I also need to acknowledge that I am in mourning, for the bio-child that won’t ever be.