Help Wanted: Moving Beyond the BFN
Last Sunday, Nadia and I went to a picnic for pre- and post- adoptive parents. We have a friend who adopted an incredible little girl 5 years ago whom we both adore. Our friend has been encouraging us to adopt an infant for some time; it’s almost to the point of being annoying! But given my recent failed cycle, we agreed to join her at the picnic.
The whole affair was pretty low stress and, let’s face it, last Sunday was an absolutely perfect day weather wise. Everyone was very friendly and it was an incredibly diverse environment, queers, straights and some instances of children of color with white adoptive parents, needless to say, Nadia and I felt very comfortable.
Nadia kept checking in on me to see how I was feeling. I have to admit that, surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to break down, though contemplating the reality that I may not be able to have my own biological child does make me very sad. I think a lot of my sadness stems from the fact that I lost my mother when i was 23 and I have no nieces or nephews. I was really looking forward to having that biological connection with her. Well, frankly, ladies, it’s looking less and less like that will ever happen. I’m in mourning but exploring my options; and keeping myself in motion helps a lot.
In other news, tomorrow morning is my appointment with my RE and here are the questions I have for him:
1. WTF?
2. Why didn’t any of my 8 mature eggs fertilize? How common is that?
3. Does that mean that my eggs are just “too old”?
4. If we were to do this again, how would you change the protocol?
5. Given my history, what are my chances of success?
6. At what point do you recommend that patients throw in the towel and explore donor egg or adoption?
This is where I need your help….What else do you think I should ask? What would you ask if you were me?
Thanks!
i think you pretty much covered everything and i hope your RE is a pretty cut to the chase type of person. although it was slightly uncomfortable to experience those cold and dry answers, in the end, we appreciated his honesty.
i hope he gives you the answers you needs so that you can choose your path.
1Eva Dear, I’m going to share my process with you, and maybe this will spark some questions/thoughts for you.
My suggestion doesn’t have much to do with what to ask him, but rather asking yourself what you want to hear. Do you want to hear that it is ‘over’, or that there is ‘hope’? I know from our expereince with the last IVF, using husband’s translocated sperm, it didn’t matter what was real or possible, he needed that chance and no data would deter him (and he’s mr science!). So do you want another chance? Do you need anotehr chance? Can you tolerate another chance? I think that since this isn’t cancer, and in effect we are consumers, there is a chance that a doctor will tell us what we want to hear. in some cases they just don’t know why things don’t work, and all they can offer is another go at it from another angle. Argh. I don’t know. I don’t think it comes down to “Do you want to be a mother, no matter what”. I think that is a reductive question. But I do think, for gals at our stage of IF treatment, the question is, am I willing to do this any longer to become a mother? Is it time to face these losses, mourn these realities? It is time to travel into that dark place that is the ‘end of me’ genticially, and all the ties that implied, and imagine that I can find a motherhood on the other side. I wrestle with this alot. When is enough enough for me?
2Lately my mind has been turning to all the old aristocratic families that would adopt a son, or turn a nephew or second cousin into a son in order to carry things along. Aside from all the rediculous parts of it, there was some trust that by entrusting the family to this person, that the family would continue. I imagine that if we do have a child via de and ds, that it will be more important to me, if we have a girl, to give her my grandmother’s name as her middle name–making the links more explict.
Where the heck am I going with this? I’m not sure…I hope the doctor is clear and compassionate, and taht you can find some footing after you meeting with him.
I think you have most of the questions down but I wanted to give you the links to my questions since unfortunately we have similar IVF experiences:
http://nycphoenix.wordpress.com/2006/11/28/preparing-for-paisan/
http://nycphoenix.wordpress.com/2007/02/15/pondering-with-paisan-ii/
A couple of ppl on IVFC boards have mentioned doing both EPP (which is what Big Clinic offers) and Clomid + Stims (Which is what my old clinic offers) and that they had better recsults at retrieval and fertilization with the Clomid cycle
3Hi Eva, I totally understand how you’re feeling, I’m currently in mourning myself. It’s becoming pretty apparent to me too, after my 1st IVF (also on estrogen priming protocol and after 10 days of very high stimming and only getting one freaking follie) that I likely will not be having my own biological child either. It’s a crushing blow, but as you said, it helps to keep in motion.
The list of questions you have for your RE is a great start and I’m sure other things will come up as you’re chatting. If you ever get to the point of donor eggs, I’ve compiled a pretty good list of questions about donor eggs. Let me know if you’re ever interested in it, I can email it over.
I’m so sorry about having no luck so far, but I really believe that you and Nadia will be parents one day. Just like I know I will be.
4I don’t have a lot to give or offer, I just want to give you a hug and wish that you get your little one soon.
5The only thing I can think to add to your list of questions is asking about further testing, i.e., immune and thrombophilia.
Otherwise, I agree with Sarah’s comments. Figuring out what’s really important to you will guide your questions and your next steps. For me, since my response to stims was SO abysmal, I knew I had to give up the genetic connection quickly, but being pregnant was/is very important to me. Not everyone feels this way. Giving up this would have been a much greater loss than the genetic connection to me. Interestingly, once I let go of the genetic connection, I keep thinking of things I’m glad I’m NOT passing on!
Good luck tomorrow.
6My sister adopted internationally and I have two friends who did open domestic adoptions, if you want me to hook you up with them I can. Though it seems like you already have a community of adoptive parents and your honey.
I think the first question was the best one.
7It is not unusual to have failed IVF cycle. It is unusual to retrieve 18 eggs and have no mature eggs fertilize, particularly using ICSI, so I would want to get as much detail as possible about how that could happen and why. I would not necessarily assume the problem is your eggs. There could be issues with the sperm or with the lab. I know you are at the top clinic, so the lab is good in general, but even in the best can still have their off days and mistakes happen.
8Thinking of you this morning and hope you get some good answers.
9I wish all the best for you on this journey. I really like Sarah’s comment. She is very insightful. Sometimes numbers and statistics are only half the picture. I hope you got some good answers and figure out what you need to do.
10i think you covered it all. hope you get some good answers.
11I think those are great questions and I’m glad you went to that picnic. I hope you are able to get some answers today.
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