Cacophony
Here’s what has been playing in my head since 3AM this morning…
Is it stupid to want to try again?
Nadia is sick of this. I’m sick of this. I can’t put her through this again. She won’t. I won’t.
10 IUIs. 2 IVFs. 2 Clinics. 1 Surgery. No pregnancy. Nada. Zip.
I am a failure.
I don’t want to leave my house.
There’s no baby bump and it’s embarrassing. Several people know that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years and I have nothing to show for it but bills, bills, bills, swollen ovaries, and 15 extra pounds.
Realistically, there are 8 million people in New York City. Is anyone even looking at me? Does anyone really care?
What about all of the day dreams about my child’s birth? Were those just hallucinations? Am I crazy? Have I completely lost it?
I hereby name myself, The Madwoman in the Waiting Room.
I hate all doctors.
And insurance companies! I can’t fight that war again. Who knows how much they will reimburse me for this last IVF.
Let’s recap that last IVF cycle, shall we? 18 eggs, 8 mature, none fertilized. 10 immature eggs, 5 fertilized, none took.
WTF?
They say, when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade.
What can you make with bad eggs?
How about adoption?
I’ve heard that some people adopt and feel as if they couldn’t love their child more.
My first foray into adoption was also a failure. There were two orientation sessions remaining for the year (July and Sept.) at the top adoption agency in the city. I went to sign up online yesterday and they’re both full; accepting no more registrants. Fcuk. I missed that boat too!
Shit.
Well, what about foster care? Nadia’s a big fan.
But will I be able to foster a baby that has Grandma Eva’s smile?
Grandma had 11 children, Mom had 3. Why can’t I have one?
Where did I go wrong?
Did the Chinese herbs mess me up?
There are 1.3 billion people in China, so the herbs work for some people, just not me.
What happens to a dream transferred? Does it fester like a sore? or does it implode, leaving a bloody mess?
Shut up. Shut up!
No, I have a better idea. Let’s take it from the top…
Oh, Eva. I am so sorry. I wish I could turn off that voice in your head, and make you pregnant. Sending love and wishing there was more.
1I’m so sorry about your cycle and that you have to deal with these questions. I hope you find your answer.
2I”m so sorry…. so very sorry… hugs and positive energy to you…
3You see failure and embarresment? I think you better look in another mirror because all I see is a woman who has been very determined, put herself what I would call hell and during the whole time has had an amazing partner by her side. If you both decided to try again I am sure this support team would rally around you but maybe instead of beating yourself up about what you did not get, take a moment and really see what you have right now cause from where I sit it looks pretty fabulous. Love you Sis.
4I know these thoughts because I’ve had them every day for two years with a resurgence as we look at IVF the Third.
I don’t have any answers for us or for anyone but I will be here for anything.
5i don’t know much about infertility, but i know one thing – you are not a failure. you are NOT a failure. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! i demand you get that thought out of your head right this minute.
i hope that you find clarity in the path you want to take and pray that all the pathways you need to get there will open themselves. we will all be here waiting with support!
peace and blessings.
6your cacophony must have been on sale at walmart b/c i swear so many of your thoughts are familiar.
7I find the shame and embarrassment to be the most baffling and awful things to bear about IF. Why are we embarrassed? Why are we ashamed?
8Such big questions, and so hard to answer.
I agree, you aren’t a failure, but I really really get that having these failed dreams in your life, and all the grief that clings to them is like walking around with 10 shopping carts full of junk when all you really can carry is a hand basket with a chocolate bar in it.
I hear you on ‘grandma Eva’s smile’. I so want a child to help me keep their memories alive. In my strongest, most future oriented moments I can remember that I can sing them the songs my grandmother sang to me as she rocked me to sleep. I can love them as wholeheartedly as she would have, and I can tell them stories about her to carry inot the next generation. But that is only in the best moments. In teh worst, I am on the floor, scraping at the carpet saying “why, why, why”
You and in my heart dear one.
Ugh, the brain can be so annoying at three in the morning. Even though you know you’re making yourself crazy and that many of your thoughts of self-blame don’t hold up during the day, you can’t make yourself stop running that loop at night. Again. And again. I’m so sorry about your last cycle. Sending hopeful thoughts your way.
9My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! Please try and remember that. I know it’s hard. But like someone told me (just the other day) “You are not a failure. Your body failed you.” You are in my thoughts!
10Your post and the truly beautiful coments that people have left for you brought tears to my eyes. This journey can be so unbelievably hard. Doing fertility treatments is a heroic journey and not for the faint of heart. No matter what you decide and what happens you have a whole team here for you.
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