The Egg Drop Post

As planned, Nadia and I went to the doctor last Friday. I’m still trying to process it and figure out what it all means.

But anyhoo, he said that the fact that I made 18 eggs this time means that I’m not a ‘poor responder’ and that I should definitely try it again. As soon as he said that, I heard a cash register in my head. He said that at my age and with that kind of response, my chances of getting pregnant were about 50%.

According to Dr. Yoda, there are many reasons why this cycle may have failed:

1. Bad eggs

2. Bad sperm

3. Just plain ol’ bad luck

He said that we could start again as early as next month with the estrogen and co-culture stuff. He would do the same protocol but maybe start with a lower dosage. The fact that I had 18 eggs, but 10 immature suggests, according to him, that I should have been on meds for a couple more days.

 I don’t know. I’m happy that he said my chances are 50-50 but psychologically I feel very depleted.

I’m am very torn and grateful that Nadia decided to wait one month from my BFN to make any decisions.

Last Sunday, Nadia and I went to a picnic for pre- and post- adoptive parents. We have a friend who adopted an incredible little girl 5 years ago whom we both adore. Our friend has been encouraging us to adopt an infant for some time; it’s almost to the point of being annoying! But given my recent failed cycle, we agreed to join her at the picnic.
 
The whole affair was pretty low stress and, let’s face it, last Sunday was an absolutely perfect day weather wise. Everyone was very friendly and it was an incredibly diverse environment, queers, straights and some instances of children of color with white adoptive parents, needless to say, Nadia and I felt very comfortable.
 
Nadia kept checking in on me to see how I was feeling. I have to admit that, surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to break down, though contemplating the reality that I may  not be able to have my own biological child does make me very sad. I think a lot of my sadness stems from the fact that I lost my mother when i was 23 and I have no nieces or nephews. I was really looking forward to having that biological connection with her. Well, frankly, ladies, it’s looking less and less like that will ever happen. I’m in mourning but exploring my options; and keeping myself in motion helps a lot.
 
In other news, tomorrow morning is my appointment with my RE and here are the questions I have for him:

1. WTF?

2. Why didn’t any of my 8 mature eggs fertilize? How common is that? 

3. Does that mean that my eggs are just “too old”?

4. If we were to do this again, how would you change the protocol?

5. Given my history, what are my chances of success?

6. At what point do you recommend that patients throw in the towel and explore donor egg or adoption?

This is where I need your help….What else do you think I should ask? What would you ask if you were me?
 
Thanks!

I came by this story today and it made me smile.

According to the AP, two male penguins are cautiously guarding the entrence to their cave in Northern Germany where they are fostering a six weeks old penguin chick. After a penguin egg had been abandoned by its biological parents. The two male penguins adopted it, carefully nurturing it so it could hatch.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something?

I have been trying to explore my options and be open to whatever comes next.

Nadia and I have an appointment with my RE next Friday to see if he can tell me why this last IVF cycle did not work. Unless, he can tell me why my 8 mature eggs did not fertlize, I can’t see why I would do IVF again.

So maybe, we’ll become a couple of penguins?

Here’s what has been playing in my head since 3AM this morning…

Is it stupid to want to try again?

Nadia is sick of this. I’m sick of this. I can’t put her through this again. She won’t. I won’t.

10 IUIs. 2 IVFs. 2 Clinics. 1 Surgery. No pregnancy. Nada. Zip.

 I am a failure.

I don’t want to leave my house.

There’s no baby bump and it’s embarrassing. Several people know that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years and I have nothing to show for it but bills, bills, bills, swollen ovaries, and 15 extra pounds.

 Realistically, there are 8 million people in New York City. Is anyone even looking at me? Does anyone really care?

What about all of the day dreams about my child’s birth? Were those just hallucinations? Am I crazy? Have I completely lost it?

I hereby name myself, The Madwoman in the Waiting Room.

I hate all doctors.

And insurance companies! I can’t fight that war again. Who knows how much they will reimburse me for this last IVF.

Let’s recap that last IVF cycle, shall we? 18 eggs, 8 mature, none fertilized. 10 immature eggs, 5 fertilized, none took.

WTF?

They say, when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade.

What can you make with bad eggs?

How about adoption?

I’ve heard that some people adopt and feel as if they couldn’t love their child more.

My first foray into adoption was also a failure. There were two orientation sessions remaining for the year (July and Sept.) at the top adoption agency in the city. I went to sign up online yesterday and they’re both full; accepting no more registrants. Fcuk. I missed that boat too!

Shit.

Well, what about foster care? Nadia’s a big fan.

But will I be able to foster a baby that has Grandma Eva’s smile?

Grandma had 11 children, Mom had 3.  Why can’t I have one?

Where did I go wrong?

Did the Chinese herbs mess me up?

There are 1.3 billion people in China, so the herbs work for some people, just not me.

What happens to a dream transferred? Does it fester like a sore? or does it implode, leaving a bloody mess?

Shut up. Shut up!

No, I have a better idea. Let’s take it from the top…

And it turns out that I am not pregnant. I’m still in shock.

And totally exhausted by two and a half years of trying.

Thanks for your support. More to come…

Here’s a quick update…

Today we transferred three embies: a 10-cell, an 8-cell and a 4-cell. Dr. Yoda said they were all fertilized by immature ICSI; ever heard of it?

He also said that the embies all looked really good. According to Dr. Yoda, my chances of getting pregnant are about 30%.

I”m relieved.  In a few weeks I guess we’ll find out what happens to a dream transferred.

Nite!

Well, we just got a call from the nurse about a half an hour ago (and I was very happy not to hear the doctor’s voice again this morning) and she said that they were able to fertilize 5 embies, so my transfer will be on Monday.

We had her on speaker phone, and when we heard the news, Nadia pumped her first in the air. I was in shock.  I’m still in shock.  I really don’t understand how they were able to mature the eggs a day after the retrieval and fertilize them but I will step out on faith that they actually know what they are doing at this clinic.But it’s hard to know what to think or feel from one moment to the next.

There are so many twists and turns to this plot!

I tried to grill the nurse for more information but she was so matter of fact. I told her that I wanted to make sure that if I took off another day from work on Monday that I would actually have something to transfer. She gave me a rote response, stating, “we’ll call you if anything changes.” 

“Okay, thanks,” I said nervously.

But, most importantly, thanks for support. Most of your comments make me cry.  The blogospherse is a great place.

I got a call from my doctor this morning who began the convesation by saying, “I wish I had good news to share.”

Well, you know that that’s never a good way to start a fertilization report.  In fact, as a soon as I heard my doctor’s voice, I said to myself, “Oh, shit” because I was really expecting a pro forma update from one of the nursing staff.

I responded with “Oh?”

Turns out that of the 18 eggs they retrieved yesterday, 8 were mature. The tried to fertilize them all with ICSI and none of them took. So as of right now, I have zero embies to transfer.

He said that I still had 10 immature eggs and that they would be mature by this afternoon (who knew?). The plan is that they will try to fertilize those 10 eggs and see what happens. I expect to hear the verdict tomorrow morning.

When I asked him what went wrong, he said my situation was baffling. According to him, it is rare that someone would produce so many eggs and that none of them would be viable. His parting words were “I’ve seen this type of scenario lead a successful pregnancy,” but from the sound of his voice, things don’t look  good.

I feel very disappointed and stupid. Disappointed for obvious reasons; another one bites the dust? Stuipd because I allowed myself to be really, really hopeful yesterday. I was on such a high yesterday and now I’m feeling so low.

Of course, I’ll let you know what happens, and thanks again for all your support.

Well the retrieval went well. It was no sweat, really, once it finally started.

We got there at 7 AM and had to wait for two and a half hours. The nurses’ attendant was really nice and apologetic. She said, “I’m sorry they make your girls get here so early. I’ve complained to them about it for years.”

It was fine, really, once we finally got there and settled into our comfortable seats–the only cushy ones in the waiting room. I guess there was one advantage to getting there early; securing the only two comfie seats in the room before anyone else could.

Once things got moving, things moved really fast. Before I knew it, my IV was in, and they were pumping me up with, what the nurse called a “nice cocktail”. It was one part sleep medication, one part anti-nausea medication, and one part ‘make me forget’ medication. It was highly effective; although I do still remember the obnoxious bright lights in that operating room.

But, really, the moment the anesiologist pushed the plunger, I was bascially out and I didn’t wake up until it was all over. As soon as I opened my eyes, I  immediately said to the nurse, “how many eggs did you get?” And she said, “eighteen.” I said, “eighteen?” I thought I was still dreaming, so I kept asking her, the doctor, the other nurses, and anyone else I could find.

Afterall, my last retrieval yielded 4 eggs and my old RE told me at our last meeting ”I know that I will never get 10 eggs out of you.” So, I just couldn’t believe what the nurse was saying.

It’s true that the doctor at yesterday’s ultrasound told me that I may have  as much as twelve follies but he also said it’s impossible to tell which follies actually have eggs. I dared not write that number on this blog because he was technically a resident, and because I still had my old RE’s voice in my head and, well, frankly, I thought it sounded ludicrous.

Anyway, once I was settled in the recovery area, Nadia joined me. And, of course, I asked the nurse, again- with Nadia as my witness -how many eggs they retrieved.

“Did you say, eighteen? 1-9?”

No, the nurse said, starting to laugh, “we retreived eighteen, 1-8.  Tomorrow we will call you with the fertilization information. Until then, try to relax.”

Nadia, laughed too, saying “I guess my baby’s still delirious.” She said “eighteen, not nineteen.”

And then, I laughed too. And I’m still laughing.

When I was a kid one of my favorite dolls was Ragg.edy Ann. I had the large version and the miniature pocket size version- for easy travel. I loved the way her arms flopped to the sides. I loved her fire engine red hair. I loved the way I could put her body into any position while she still maintained her rosy cheeks and plastered smile. She was a good friend to me during my times of need.

(If I could post her picture to this site I would but…)

Now, I’m feeling a little like my old friend. I’ve had my feet in stirrups more times than I can remember.This IVF cycle has been running me ragged.  I have been going for ultrasounds almost every other day and Sunday was the start of daily monitoring. I’m very tired but in spite of my fatigue, I feel grateful because things are going well–or as well as they can be at this stage in the game.

Last night I got my  trigger shot right in the keyster at 10:45PM. I slept for a few hours and then I had to be back in the clinic at 6:30 AM to sign consent forms, and have my final blood work and ultrasound before tomorrow’s 7AM retrieval. I have at least eight follicles and the doctors have been positive.

It is highly likely that I will have my transfer on Sunday.

Ladies, I am cautiously optimistic.